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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wanting to give my dog up

180 replies

1sunflower · 21/09/2018 23:54

Ok, so I just want to say that I love animals so all animal lovers that read this please don't write stupid stuff like( how can you choose your child over a dog) ummm yes I can.
Long story but short my OH came up with an idea 2 months ago to get a puppy so I just said ok let's do it. We have a 11months old daughter. Now when we decided to get that puppy we were both supposed to look after it. But now it's all on me. I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my daughter or that the dog doesn't get enough walk. I have to bath her, feed her, walk her, brush her and the list goes on. OH comes home and does f* all. I am also concerned about her behaviour As I don't get enough time to train her. I have decided to tell my partner we need to rehome the dog. It will be better for her and us, however OH does not want to hear it and keeps telling me I'm cruel and that I hate animals! He had a day off today and stayed home with the baby so I took the dog for a walk to the park. When I am on the footpath I keep the dog close on the leash so that she doesn't jump on people. But somehow she managed to jump up rather than forward and she kind of jumped on the chest of an older man that wad going by.... he lost his balance and fell on to the road... hit his head... we called the ambulance and everything was ok but it was all terrible I thought I will just sit there and cry... I just can't control her anymore and I want to give her to someone that will
Be able to spend time with her and give her attention she needs. But now my OH and his mum are in my face telling me I'm such a terrible person for wanting to give her up... are they right? Am I being cruel?

OP posts:
CrazyDogLady87 · 22/09/2018 13:31

if it was a joint decision to have a dog then it should be joint duties regarding her day to day training and care, it seems to me you and your partner never thought it through fully getting a dog, many people dont, and many would just chuck the dog out into the yard in these situations, i am often dubious of peoples reasons for giving up dogs but in your case i dont think you would be wrong to rehome the dog to someone who can give them the care and attention they need,
try not to take to heart the negative comments towards you, you clearly dont hate animals and are trying your best, IMO you are doing what you can but its not enough your dog would benefit from being with owners that have the time

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2018 13:31

How could you know?
Well either you’re an idiot to have a child with someone who won’t parent or you thought he was a partner who would be involved at home.
And he wasn’t.
When someone shows you who they are you listen.
He put no thought into getting this puppy. No planning or proper consideration.

catx1606 · 22/09/2018 13:32

How come you're having ago at the OP? she is the one doing everything for the dog and simply can't do it anymore. It's her DP that is doing bothing. They took the dog on with the understanding that both the OP and her DP would take full responsibility for it and so far her DP has let her and the dog down.

Original poster
1sunflower · 22/09/2018 13:34

Wolfiefan no darling I'm not an idiot for having a child maybe I was silly to get a dog but that's because I was assured it will be looked after. Stop being a smart ass as either you or me or anyone can see what will happen in the future Wink

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/09/2018 13:35

They took on the dog. She could said no.
She’s making no effort to train it.
DP is clearly a twat but she could’ve prevented this. I have little sympathy.

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2018 13:36

I can see the future when it comes to my partner. We wanted a pet. We discussed it and planned and searched together. He takes an equal part in caring for the pets.
As he’s not a twat.
If he did bugger all at home or with the kids then I would say no to adding a pet.

FinnegansWhiskers · 22/09/2018 13:41

OP what definitely will happen in the future is the dog will get bigger and stronger. It will become more and more uncontrollable as you do not have the time to train it or meet it's exercise needs.

If he is pushing men over at 6 months old can you imagine what damage he will do by the time he is 18 months old? The dog will pay the ultimate price 😪

Please tell us you will rehome to a rescue centre - today if possible.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is, or not, for getting the dog. It was a very foolish decision but its apparent that you nor your partner have time for it. It needs to be rehomed, immediately! No question.

Noodge · 22/09/2018 13:56

I know walking an untrained dog is a problem.
I have a massive dog.
I thought 'ugh walking her would be a problem if she was untrained'

So I trained her.

I think you have a DP problem, rather than a dog problem.

lexi727 · 22/09/2018 13:57

You need to find an appropriate owner who you know will take good care of your poor puppy. Please don't sell it. Nothing irks me more than when people sell on dogs that they just can't be arsed with anymore!

Side note: why on earth did you get one in the first place? That poor dog is going to be devastated it's being given away :( how irresponsible. Makes me so angry that people feel like they can just get rid of dogs without a second thought.

Noodge · 22/09/2018 13:58

Also I agree about bullbreeds.
One of the hardest dogs to rehome
One of the breeds most likely to end up as a fight or bait dog.

Please find a breed-specific rescue as others have said.

AllesAusLiebe · 22/09/2018 14:05

Are you planning on selling the dog, OP?

Losingthewill1 · 22/09/2018 14:11

I may be a twat but at least I’m not married to an ass and thought it would be a good idea to bring a poor animal into the mix.

Training doesn’t take much brain cells but guessing it’s easier to blame other people for your mistakes OP.

Don’t sell it on gumtree , actually make the effort to re home it.

smallchanceofrain · 22/09/2018 14:29

I agree with those saying you need to try and find a breed specific rescue and if you can't find one you need to try the Dogs Trust. Unfortunately OP your dog is one of the hardest breeds to rehome and one of the most likely to end up as a fighting dog or bait dog. They are fabulous dogs but, as you have found, totally the wrong dog for someone like your DP who wants a cool looking dog as an accessory but can't be arsed to look after it. It's not a breed that a responsible breeder or rescue centre would home with someone who has a very young child because of the level of commitment needed to train them.

NutElla5x · 22/09/2018 14:35

Always makes me laugh when people try and look hard done by listing ALL the things they have to do to take care of their dogs.Feeding and brushing(a short haired dog) takes 5 minutes.Bathing maybe half hour per month.Make your useless OH walk the dog for half an hour to an hour in the morning before work.Early evening the two of you walk it,so that you can more easily incorporate training together.Then once it's trained you will be able to confidently walk it, alone with your baby, and you will probably find you enjoy it.All it takes is a little time,perseverance and compromise,which is the least you both owe this poor animal that you BOTH chose to have.

TacoLover · 22/09/2018 14:46

I do everything at home! Clean, cook , iron, look after our daughter, look after the dog and as I said there's only little I can do.

It's pretty obvious that he wasn't going to look after the dog if he refuses to do anything elseConfused

SilverySurfer · 22/09/2018 15:07

1sunflower
I'm not getting aggressive, but it upsets me that someone here says that because of people like me she has to rehome the dog in dogs trust or a shelter. Well that's what you are there for first of all

The job of shelters would be made a great deal easier if idiots didn't buy dogs when they are not capable of providing the appropriate care. Did you give the slightest bit of thought in advance of buying the poor dog?

FFS find a place in a shelter for it and don't buy another animal.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 22/09/2018 15:19

Personally I think ur doing the right thing. I had to re home my springer. He went from nervous to nervous aggressive. We had help from the vets and a dog behaviourist. But. It was clear he needed expert help and no matter how much I read or trained him I just wasn’t knowledgable enough. He went to a springer rescue Home and was out with a behaviourist to be helped. The vet said I had done the correct thing. As all she could see was this was his last chance before he really hurt someone.

He went for my son and at that point I knew he needed more help than Me. I got apot if flack for this. Regardless of me saying he was dangerous and the vet recommended I have him out down. But I wanted to give him one last chance. And giving him up was the way to do that. I cried and cried and cried.

I feel now is the best time to do it when he is younger and the training he needs will be done daily young.

You are doing what is best for the dog and yourself.

Kisskiss · 22/09/2018 17:01

@Nutella5x you are spot on!

Motherbear26 · 22/09/2018 17:13

I had exactly the same situation with my dh. He begged for a dog. I knew the dog would be my responsibility so refused for years. Then he got the kids involved. I still refused, even though I was made out to be the bad guy.

Finally, after many, many years of promises that he would muck in and do his fair share we finally got one dog, and then another. They very quickly became my dogs. I walk them, feed them, groom them, organise vets and dog walker when I’m at work etc. So I completely understand about all the promises beforehand and how easily they are forgotten. Although in my case I’d re-home dh before I’d give up my beloved dogs!

If you really can’t cope you do need to re-home the dog. You are trying to do the right thing by the animal, and it is unfair on all of you to continue as you are. But please heed the advice you have been given re the manner in which you do this. Good luck.

Strongmummy · 22/09/2018 18:03

@1sunflower - on the basis it sounds like you’ve married a man child who just decides to get a dog with no prior thought and then does fuck all to look after it, I think it’s pretty fair that people might think you are daft for having a kid with him.

ffsnarkytwats · 22/09/2018 18:32

Ffs leave the poor woman alone narky twats some of you. Love to see you gob off to OPs face, bloody keyboard warriors. Get a grip, it's a dog, OP is struggling! She knows she's made a mistake and she's trying to do what's best for the dog. She really doesn't need a bunch of nomarks to keep ramming it down her throat

PineapplePower · 22/09/2018 18:57

I find this Mumsnet thing of “once you have a dog you have to keep it for life or you are an evil person” ridiculous, unfair, unkind and unrealistic

If people would take pet ownership more seriously, perhaps the occasional need to rehome animals would be more positively received. Shelters and rescuers look so overwhelmed, I totally understood why thoughtless owners are demonised.

OP rehome the dog or try to convince MIL to take it, as she seems to be involved with this whole mess. Sadly, shelters are full of these types of dogs so it’s going to be hard to rehome her, in all honesty. Don’t be tempted to do it yourself though, or she could end up as a bait dog or passed from one bad situation to another.

Losingthewill1 · 22/09/2018 18:57

If she didn’t want people’s opinions on her actions then why did she post this to mumsnet??

Exactly ^^

EwItsAHooman · 22/09/2018 19:33

She posted for advice and reassurance that she was doing the right thing, she did not post asking for a good kicking.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2018 19:36

@ffsnarkytwats if you feel so strongly why don't you use your regular name?