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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wanting to give my dog up

180 replies

1sunflower · 21/09/2018 23:54

Ok, so I just want to say that I love animals so all animal lovers that read this please don't write stupid stuff like( how can you choose your child over a dog) ummm yes I can.
Long story but short my OH came up with an idea 2 months ago to get a puppy so I just said ok let's do it. We have a 11months old daughter. Now when we decided to get that puppy we were both supposed to look after it. But now it's all on me. I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my daughter or that the dog doesn't get enough walk. I have to bath her, feed her, walk her, brush her and the list goes on. OH comes home and does f* all. I am also concerned about her behaviour As I don't get enough time to train her. I have decided to tell my partner we need to rehome the dog. It will be better for her and us, however OH does not want to hear it and keeps telling me I'm cruel and that I hate animals! He had a day off today and stayed home with the baby so I took the dog for a walk to the park. When I am on the footpath I keep the dog close on the leash so that she doesn't jump on people. But somehow she managed to jump up rather than forward and she kind of jumped on the chest of an older man that wad going by.... he lost his balance and fell on to the road... hit his head... we called the ambulance and everything was ok but it was all terrible I thought I will just sit there and cry... I just can't control her anymore and I want to give her to someone that will
Be able to spend time with her and give her attention she needs. But now my OH and his mum are in my face telling me I'm such a terrible person for wanting to give her up... are they right? Am I being cruel?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 22/09/2018 02:04

I have had a puppy and they are hard work you could manage if both of you were on board and willing to get up 30 minutes earlier to take pup out and do some training first thing in the morning and a couple of times per night.
Have you been to puppy training?

Also you could put puppy in puppy play group a few days per week.

If dpup could walk whilst you had the buggy then a quick walk out a few times per day would be good

But if dh wants to keep the pup but won't put the work in then it is a non starter.

I

AllesAusLiebe · 22/09/2018 02:31

@Akanamali

Come on then, enlighten me. Tell me what I’ve misunderstood from the op.

Fool gets a dog, doesn’t have time to train it, blames partner because of course it’s all his fault. In the meantime, dog lives a miserable life with people who can’t be bothered and may be permanently scarred by being put in a rescue centre (best case scenario).

MiniMum97 · 22/09/2018 02:36

Oh dear lord. The OP is not being heartless, she is being very sensible. She has realised she can’t commit the time needs for a dog and wants it to be rehomed somewhere more suitable. It’s a bloody dog, it will settle into a new home and probably be happier. She’s not giving away one if her children ffs!

Akanamali · 22/09/2018 02:39

@AllesAusLiebe There's only one fool here and it's not the OP. You probably think you're being extremely edgy and 'telling it like it is' but I can assure you you're just coming across as a bit of a twat.

esk1mo · 22/09/2018 02:47

if she has the capacity to be sensible now, and come to the realisation she can’t look after a dog, then she should have been sensible enough to research what it actually takes to look after a dog, long term.

OP probably bought the dog from gumtree, or a random online seller, spur of the moment because her OH said lets get a dog.

everyone i know who has a dog spent a long time considering it, planning how to care for it, researching specific dog breed behaviour and ensuring their home was the right environment. they all still each have their dogs.

im willing to bet OP and her OH wanted a cute fun puppy so got one without a second thought.

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/09/2018 02:49

It may be better for the dog to be rehomed with a family who are willing to invest the time in her that she deserves.

I would also rehome your OH while you're at it. He wanted the dog and then didn't take the responsibility seriously leaving you feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't be arsed being with someone like that.

Akanamali · 22/09/2018 02:57

if she has the capacity to be sensible now, and come to the realisation she can’t look after a dog, then she should have been sensible enough to research what it actually takes to look after a dog, long term

Will this research have somehow made her partner step up? Does the research include a visit to a fortune teller? How do you know she didn't do this research?

OP had no way of knowing her partner, after suggesting getting a dog, would refuse to step up and help look after it. She presumably wouldn't have agreed to get a dog if she'd known. There's nothing in her posts that suggests she doesn't know what a dog requires. She just simply doesn't have the time to do that and look after a baby, as her partner is refusing to do his part. She realises it would be best for the dog to go somewhere where it will be taken care of properly.

If you're too dim to understand that then there's not much that can be done for you and you can continue sticking the boot in to fill the void in your life.

Akanamali · 22/09/2018 03:01

I would also rehome your OH while you're at it. He wanted the dog and then didn't take the responsibility seriously leaving you feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't be arsed being with someone like that.

Completely agree. The fact that he's pressurising you into keeping the dog without volunteering to take over any of the caring duties for it is ridiculous and I'd seriously consider leaving him.

AllesAusLiebe · 22/09/2018 04:00

Akanamali Unless, like me, English is also your second language, you could really do with working on increasing your vocabulary.

I am absolutely not trying to be ‘edgy’, I’m angry as a long term contributor to Dogs Trust and to my local animal shelter that people can be so fucking stupid to think that getting a puppy won’t involve some work and commitment.

It’s ok though, there’ll always be someone (namely hard working volunteers) to pick up the pieces when thinking is too much like hard work.

Esk1mo you’re absolutely correct, I agree with everything you’ve said.

esk1mo · 22/09/2018 04:28

OP had no way of knowing her partner, after suggesting getting a dog, would refuse to step up and help look after it.

Sorry but I doubt this. We know our OHs, we know how much they contribute in daily life. If he does his share of childcare, housework, financial and emotional contribution then he most likely would look after the dog.

However he is probably lacking in one or more of those areas, which would suggest to most people that he wouldn’t put in effort to look after a puppy.

I’m not saying OP is 100% to blame, but she is partly responsible. It irks me because I love animals, I put in effort to look after mine and I didn’t get mine without careful consideration.

Oh the irony of you accusing me of “sticking the boot in to vill a void” yet calling me dim, how delightful Smile

esk1mo · 22/09/2018 04:31

Long story but short my OH came up with an idea 2 months ago to get a puppy so I just said ok let's do it.

Sounds like a well thought-out, discussed and researched plan to me Hmm

QuickNC123 · 22/09/2018 04:52

Sorry OP but I think you’re being unreasonable.

Dog knocked a man over. It wasn’t on a tight leash was it?

It may often be the case that people rehome dogs and then get another one possibly another until they find one that behaves.

Keep your puppy and train it. Tell your husband to help more too if he wants to keep it.

Get a dog walker. Take it to a trainer etc.

Don’t give up on it just yet!

cantfindname · 22/09/2018 05:14

You made a serious mistake getting this dog at this time in your life, and a bigger one by believing OH might be more help than a chocolate teapot.

But I do think this is redeemable without the need to rehome. I wish you had told us the breed as some are infinitely easier to train than others.. but.. every moment is a training opportunity. You don't need to spend ages in formal sessions. Keep a stock of treats handy initially and whenever dog is with you ask him/her to do things, ie sit, down, stay (the most important basics) and reward instantly. Similarly when out, teach heelwork and be consistent with this so dog is never allowed to pull or to be in the wrong place. Praise, praise and more praise when the dog does as you ask and never punish the mistakes; just keep asking for the right thing and you will get it.

I speak from experience, I had four children and three dogs, all bought as puppies whilst the children were small. Two of those dogs went on to win obedience competitions and the other could have had she not been so nervous with people around her. Yes they were border collies which are probably the easiest breed in terms of training, but it can be done with any dog if your reactions are calm, consistent and reliable.

If OH won't step up and work with the dog then leave him home to babysit and take it out on your own to socialise and learn.

Original poster
1sunflower · 22/09/2018 07:38

To everyone that are being TWATS here. The dog can knock a 75year old man over. It's 6 months old now and that's an American bulldog. Yes I understand puppy comes with responsibilities but if your OH says we do it together and then bails out that's a bit shit isn't it? I do everything at home! Clean, cook , iron, look after our daughter, look after the dog and as I said there's only little I can do. And please don't stress yourself(volunteer from dog shelter) as i would not put my dog into dogs trust but I would actually spend time to find her a home myself(for free).

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 22/09/2018 07:45

Rehome the dog. At least you have realised early so it has a better chance of getting a decent home.

You and your partner were both irresponsible but at least you have made the choice to do the right thing.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/09/2018 07:47

Oh but PLEASE do not let your dog go free to a good home, let a rescue rehome it or do proper homechecking. Many unwanted dogs end up as fighting or bate dogs and your breed would be a prime target for people looking for them.

Subtlecheese · 22/09/2018 07:49

Entirely better to regime the dog. And probably the lacklustre dh who wants the child and the dog and the wife without bothering to lift a finger.

TwoOddSocks · 22/09/2018 07:49

You're mistake was to get the dog in the first place but if you act now not too much harm will be done. I would re-home it now while it's still young and can be properly trained and will probably find a loving home. If you keep it for a few years it's behaviour will be worse and it'll be harder for an older dog to find an appropriate home.

TwoOddSocks · 22/09/2018 07:49

*your not you're

Subtlecheese · 22/09/2018 07:50

*REHOME

Shallishanti123 · 22/09/2018 07:50

You have an husband problem. Why are you doing everything?

Re the pup: rehoming is the right thing to do.

Angrybird345 · 22/09/2018 07:51

Regime the dog. So stupid getting that type when your both not committed

Angrybird345 · 22/09/2018 07:51

Rehome

Twotailed · 22/09/2018 07:55

YANBU. Dogs take so much time and investment and work, and your DH has failed to provide that. what’s cruel is keeping her in a home where she isn’t getting the training, time and attention she needs. You are being responsible and making the best decision for her - that isn’t cruel.

If you do rehome her, make sure you thoroughly investigate her new home (do a home visit, ask for details of who their vet will be etc). A good owner won’t mind you doing so, and if anyone is arsey about it or if the visit shows they aren’t suitable you’ll be able to find someone else.

NoFucksImAQueen · 22/09/2018 07:56

Iv seen a few rehoming dog posts on here and the ops usually get slaughtered. in comparison I think people overall have been ok towards you so I really don't see why you're getting aggressive.

I'm not like most of mumsnet in that I think rehoming can be just fine as long as it's best for the dog. obviously ideally everyone would keep their dog and put in the effort but sometimes stuff changes and life makes things unworkable. I'd rather a dog be happy in the right home than miserable in its current one because the owners feel too ashamed to rehome