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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only pay for vegan food at my wedding?

999 replies

ClaraBanana7 · 21/09/2018 14:52

Haven't set a date yet, but it'll be in around 2 years so it's not right around the corner or anything, but DP and I are both vegans. Neither of us have a problem with other people eating animal products, I don't think I've ever even brought up veganism unless I'm at a restaurant and need to order because I really hate confrontation and I've seen/heard so many cruel and horrible things being said to vegans. That said, we don't want to pay for the guests to be served animal products at our wedding.
Some of my friends think it's unfair and that restaurants etc are pandering to the vegan 'fad' (even though I've been vegan all my life) so I should cater to everyone's dietary requirements. I told them I was considering putting a meat option on the catering form, but that whoever picked it would have to pay for it themselves as I really don't want to give my own money towards that industry. But, my friends also think it's unfair that some people have to pay and others don't.
DP doesn't want to have an animal product option at all, and tbh I would also prefer this, but I want a way of not isolating people who can't go a meal without eating animal products.

OP posts:
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RockinHippy · 22/09/2018 15:07

No it isn't Salem, I first learnt of it via the B12 & PA societies after hitting ignorance over how to deal with a B12 & D deficiency. I've since had it confirmed by several doctors, both friends & otherwise. It's a shame, as deficiencies are responsible for a lot of health problems.

You wouldn't believe the fight we've just had with doctors over my brother deficiencies, leaving him untreated for years & disabling him.

I really wish you were right, but you are not.

Bluelady · 22/09/2018 15:08

Mrs G, it really isn't the same thing. OP is vegan because she takes an ethical stance. There's nothing ethical about eating meat.

BrownPaperTeddy · 22/09/2018 15:08

I also think it depends on whether you want certain people to attend or not.

Yes it's your wedding so it's your day.

But as other people say - it's an invite not a summons.

If people don't feel like they will be made welcome they might not come.

Obviously it's your wedding and you know your guests but you did ask a bunch of strangers on line for our opinions. So this is what we think. Doesn't mean your guests will think like us.

MaryDollNesbitt · 22/09/2018 15:08

OP, would the easiest way around this not be to do a 'set' menu and have a roast dinner for the main course? You can offer a slap up vegan friendly roast for free, and let's face it, most elements of a roast dinner are vegan friendly to begin with, but add in a small supplement charge (say £2-3 per head?) if people would like to add some beef or chicken to their dinner, for example? I wouldn't bat an eyelid at that at all, especially if I knew you were both vegan.

I've seen small supplement charges added to loads of wedding menus in the past, especially if something like steak has been an option. The bride and groom wanted to make the menu as varied as possible to their guests, but obviously couldn't afford steaks all round, so they offered the bulk of the meal for nothing, but added a small supplement charge for more costly options IF people wanted them. There is nothing worse than being at a wedding all day and being served shit food, so this was a crafty way of ensuring people got exactly what they wanted at a minimal cost all round.

I think the problem with a vegan friendly buffet is possible dairy substitutes (taste like shit and I can't pretend to like them), introducing veg-based meals a lot of people wouldn't thank you for (sorry, BreakfastAtSquiffanys, but those menu options would give me the boak), and possibly making your guests go very hungry. It's all very well other posters saying 'Oh, it's only one day - your guests won't starve!' but I would be flat on the floor having fainted due to very low blood sugar had I not been able to eat much during the day. Filling up at breakfast would only take me so far!

SalemBlackCat · 22/09/2018 15:09

MrsG010814
Op how would you feel if you were invited to a wedding and only meat meals were served?

This is what I have been trying to say but people on here conveniently ignore the point. Selfishness appears to be the hallmark of vegans. Maybe non-vegans should use their tactics and say some food is vegan but slip animal products into it and not tell the guests? After all, vegans on here are saying that non-vegans shouldn't be told. But they would be the first to squeal if they found out they ate something with animal product in it. Do as I say, not as I do - hypocrisy.

Purpleartichoke · 22/09/2018 15:11

Happy meat eater here

Serve a vegan meal. If you want to be especially considerate to your guests, provide 2 vegan choices.

Bluelady · 22/09/2018 15:12

Salem, I can't work out whether you're being stupid or disingenuous. I suspect the latter. Or else you genuinely don't know what ethics are.

giveyourselfashiny3 · 22/09/2018 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 22/09/2018 15:13

Iv never been to a wedding where I new the menu before hand. Any invitation Iv ever had just asks to state any dietry requirements. To be honest Iv never paid much attention to what kind of dinner it falls under. I don’t eat a lot of meat at home because it’s not something I really like but Iv enjoyed vegan or vegetarian food too.

Just ask dietry requirements & go vegan. Won’t hurt anyone. No need to announce it’s an animal product free wedding

multivac · 22/09/2018 15:14

But that's not logical, Salem. In the Venn diagram of Things Meat Eaters Can Eat, vegan dishes are a circle completely within the main circle. In the Venn diagram of Things Vegans Can Eat, animal products are a completely different circle. I don't get why people find this so hard to understand, nor why they are terrified/outraged/offended at the prospect of being offered one single meal without animal products in it.

SalemBlackCat · 22/09/2018 15:14

Bluelady OP is vegan because she takes an ethical stance. There's nothing ethical about eating meat. Shock Shock Exhibit A of arrogance and self-righteous ignorance. Eating meat is an ethical and health stance. See, this is what I am talking about. Militant vegans who believe only they have an ethical stance on food. Non-vegans have an ethical stance on food as well. You won't win supporters by insulting them and insinuating only your side holds virtue and ethics. And you wonder why vegans have such a bad reputation. You just can't help yourself can you? Hmm

Bluelady · 22/09/2018 15:16

I'm a meat eater.

LeftRightCentre · 22/09/2018 15:16

CheeseTheDay and it is almost impossible to get the same calcium from those, as from dairy. Darn right that the ignorance on here is astounding! However it is from those who genuinely think they are informed. rme

I can't eat dairy. At all. Never have been able to, I'm completely intolerant to it (makes sense, it's not human milk for humans). Have had bone scans due to my age. I don't have osteoperosis. Many factors contribute to this, but no one needs dairy to avoid it. That's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard.

MrsG010814 · 22/09/2018 15:18

@bluelady and that's fair enough and her right, however, if the tables were turned would she expect to be catered for at a meat eaters wedding. Would she refuse to eat at restaurants/cafes that serve non vegan food and expect everyone to do the same if they were to socialise together. Some meat eaters probably disagree with veganism just as the op disagrees with eating meat. It's about respecting the fact that everyone is different and has different beliefs/lifestyle choices.

giveyourselfashiny3 · 22/09/2018 15:18

I'm not a vegan and I insulted you.

I insulted you because you're ignorant.

I would love to know one of your strongest held beliefs (aside from eating meat) and make an example for you so you might.just.get.it.

My partner eats approx 1kg of meat a day (sorry vegans) because his sport requires that level of protein- he chooses to get this from meat. I guarantee that he would not complain about being given a vegan meal or food for a whole day.

SalemBlackCat · 22/09/2018 15:19

"I also think it depends on whether you want certain people to attend or not." As BrownPaperTeddy says, I think this is a large part of it. I think those who refuse to tell people the menu will be vegan, are holding back the info in fear that some or many may not attend. Honesty is important though.

BrownPaperTeddy · 22/09/2018 15:21

In the Venn diagram of Things Vegans Can Eat, animal products are a completely different circle.

I have an issue with food only because of a ridiculous diet that I'm on so ignoring my needs whenever we've hosted before, so our wedding, meals for anniversaries, big birthdays etc we've had requests from every man and his dog - vegetarian, vegan, special children's meals because they won't like the food," you're having chicken but great Uncle Fred doesn't eat chicken so can he have beef" - I kid you not. All accommodated. So it gets my goat a little when I go somewhere and you have two choices - take it or leave it.

I'm sensing that here. I dare say whenever the vegetarians or vegans go to an event they request a special meal to accommodate their choice.

Bluelady · 22/09/2018 15:22

MrsG, how would you disagree with a vegan on ethical grounds? How would that argument go?

SalemBlackCat · 22/09/2018 15:22

Again, proof of the ignorance of some on here. Vegans don't eat meat because of ethics. But Meat eaters eat meat and don't have ethics. I really can't tell if people are truly this stupid and ignorant, or they are goading. I pray it is the latter, because if not, to think people are this stupid is just.... well, just makes one lose faith in humanity. Sad

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 22/09/2018 15:22

I am very much a meat eater.
However, if my friend was getting married and chose a vegan menu then I wouldn't even dream of wanting an alternative.
My friend getting married and celebrating their day would be far more important to me than the meal they chose to serve.
So if people choose not to come based on your menu or question your menu, you should really be asking the question - how much do they value your friendship and your wedding day. Based on that, I would probably not invite them.

CloudPop · 22/09/2018 15:22

Vegan menu the only way forward here

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 15:22

salem but unless you eat only meat you will also eat veg, rice, ect.. so your eating it any way Confused

Would you go to a wedding and say ‘I only want meat on my plate’?

Bluelady · 22/09/2018 15:23

Salem, what's your ethical reason for eating meat? I'm intrigued.

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 15:25

. I don't get why people find this so hard to understand, nor why they areterrified/outraged/offended at the prospect of being offered one single meal without animal products in it*

I know. Madness

giveyourselfashiny3 · 22/09/2018 15:25

Salem....just because I'm intrigued about your diet-

What did you have for dinner last night?

I'll start, I had chicken thighs, polenta, broccoli and a salad.

I won't keel over if I took the chicken thighs out.

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