So fucking angry with DH

[Bobbybear10]

This might not seem like a massive issue to some but I can feel my blood boiling and could do with either some calming words or an idea of how to confront this situation!

We have moles in our garden. They are a pain but there aren’t too many at the moment and if it gets too bad we discussed a couple of humane traps.

I told DH I was really against mole catchers/traps (that you place in one of their tunnels and they literally slice the mole in half as it runs through) that I found them barbaric and I really don’t want them used in my garden.

I have just watched ‘d’H dig up and reset a mole catcher in the garden.

I’m so angry that 1, he just blatantly ignored my wishes 2, lied to me like I’m a fucking gullible twat 3, thinks it’s ok to use such a device.

AIBU and what is my next move?

Just saw this slightly old thread and thought I’d respond too. I had something very similar happen a few years ago. I think DH didn’t respect my views either although I can’t prove it.

We had a mole problem. DH wanted to kill them.I said no. The DC and I tried catching them when we saw the mole hill moving. Really impossible! Then tried the approach of vibrating bamboo canes in their tunnels with bottles rattling on the top. This did move the moles to a different part of the garden. I had then just started trying putting garlic and dog poo down the tunnels! Disgusting I know, but I think this was working as the tunnelling stopped for a few days.
But... I was always suspicious about what happened next. We went on holiday at that point. I know DH had been chatting to a neighbour about it , and I had a feeling that they may have colluded. I had a feeling (but can’t prove) that DH asked the neighbour to put poison down whilst we were away. I did find poison in the shed that I'd never seen before.The moles were completely gone when we got back.I asked the neighbour and DH outright - the neighbour said no but seemed evasive and uncomfortable.

I couldn’t prove it but it was just a feeling about the way both of them responded.

I agree with you too OP. It is about much more than the moles. It’s about arrogant, patriarchal, overruling of your principles and opinion.An attitude that belongs in another century. Marriages should show mutual respect and entail compromise.

That selfish arrogance of any unilateral insistence in doing what the DH wants regardless is a theme I’m familiar with and it’s very corrosive.

I guess you have to undertake a balancing exercise and see if he respects you in other areas although it sounds like he may not.

Possibly joint counselling to address building respect ?? although I think that changing such a deep rooted attitude is really difficult. Do you have DC- I’d be worrying about the role model of disrespect for them too I’m afraid.

It’s so difficult as if you so still respect your DH, it makes you resent the fact that you respect him and he doesn’t reciprocate.

I also thought, stupidly, that my husband would research other ways to get rid of moles

This is a guy, he probably wanted to go a night mission, lay in the garden with a rifle like a wannabe Marine and pop then off one by one.

Now Now OP, please just run along and sort the issue out yourself or stop complaining. No need to expect a DH to actually take on a household task all by himself. Let's give him a gold star for lifting a finger, regardless of the cruelty involved and the fact he's completely ignored his wife's values on this..

There's something profoundly wrong at the heart of your relationship.

Of course our partner should respect us and not lie and do things secretly behind our back. So, yes, your DH has acted badly. BUT:

When asked why he didn’t discuss it with me he said because you would react like this and go mad.

Do you recognise this picture of yourself? Are you very reactive - quick to anger? Your original post speaks of your blood boiling. Are you able to engage in a reasonable relationship negotiation? Perhaps your DH goes behind your back because he feels that's the only way to avoid hassle and energy-sapping emotional fireworks? Are you perhaps a bit of a drama llama?

You also seem to have very different beliefs and values. Have you ever discussed these - calmly! - and reached a position of mutual understanding and respect? If there's no respect, how you can you possibly be together? I think you both need to take a long hard look at yourselves and the relationship...

There are no moles in Ireland?

OP, ignore those people trying to armchair analyse. I see where you’re coming from, and it would make me SO angry if my DH did this. Yes, because needless killing of moles is a big deal to me, it also because he failed to have a proper chat with you first.

YANBU, please just ignore the tits on here that like a good poke at people.

Nope, BMW6, they never made it over