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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So fucking angry with DH

182 replies

Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 13:05

This might not seem like a massive issue to some but I can feel my blood boiling and could do with either some calming words or an idea of how to confront this situation!

We have moles in our garden. They are a pain but there aren’t too many at the moment and if it gets too bad we discussed a couple of humane traps.

I told DH I was really against mole catchers/traps (that you place in one of their tunnels and they literally slice the mole in half as it runs through) that I found them barbaric and I really don’t want them used in my garden.

I have just watched ‘d’H dig up and reset a mole catcher in the garden.

I’m so angry that 1, he just blatantly ignored my wishes 2, lied to me like I’m a fucking gullible twat 3, thinks it’s ok to use such a device.

AIBU and what is my next move?

OP posts:
81Byerley · 21/09/2018 14:29

Can you dig them up and leave them somewhere where he will find them? Like in his bed - you know the one in the spare room? Next to a copy of the Wind in the Willows? I'd be upset because it's not just like he was ignoring you over a trivial issue like disagreeing that the gate needed painting - the cruel deaths of living creatures is an emotive and ethical issue. Ignore oblivious and cunty posters btw Yes.

AlevelConfusion · 21/09/2018 14:31

Because greys are vermin and should be treated as such
The biggest vermin on this planet are human beings, what would you suggest we do with them?

EK36 · 21/09/2018 14:39

My grandma had massive problems with moles. She ended up using those mole noise emitters that you stake in the ground. They are battery powered and send out a frequency (that cannot be heard by humans) to repel moles. Although she needed 2 due to the size of her garden, they actually do work.

MissConductUS · 21/09/2018 14:39

As long as you have grubs living in and under your garden you will have moles. The only way to get rid of the moles is to get rid of the grubs.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/09/2018 14:41

That's awful. I couldn't live with someone who was cruel to animals like that.

Original poster
Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 14:45

I think it’s gone beyond the moles tbh.

Apparently it is absolutely fine to ignore how I feel as long as I don’t know about it.

When asked why he didn’t discuss it with me he said because you would react like this and go mad.

When I asked how he would feel if I did something that would make him go mad or react with sadness he just loudly proclaimed I only said about a mole ‘slicer’ I didn’t specify other mole killers and if I didn’t like it then I can mow the grass and deal with the lawn as it’s either his way or he’s not doing it.

He is lying as I said I didn’t want the moles killed at all.

I can’t make him change his opinion that what he wants is more important than my feelings.

OP posts:
mostdays · 21/09/2018 14:50

Personally moles don't bother me at all and I leave them to run their course but it is absurd to suggest that killing a pest is 'animal cruelty'

Hmm
MaxTeyon · 21/09/2018 14:51

I am serious curious about this, catch and release on someone else land is a nasty thing to do

And also illegal, if you catch a mole you’re legally required to kill it.

Amibeingnaive · 21/09/2018 14:54

This would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry OP.

KM99 · 21/09/2018 14:58

Moles are not a big issue. Lying to you, going against your wishes on something that is a joint decision about your joint living space is. I would be absolutely livid too.

He's basically decided his way is the right way and you don't deserve a compromise.

I'd tell him he's got 24 hours to dig out the traps or 24 hours to pack a bag and find himself a nice house on his own where he can be lord and master.

Original poster
Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 15:02

Well I’m quite happy to not do anything with the moles at all but if absolutely necessary then the audio repellents would be a good place to start.

I don’t want them killed at all.

As I said I haven’t even looked into it so literally suggested the humane catchers as a flippant comment to a fairly flippant conversation.

I don’t believe it’s normal for ones husband to just do as he wants without any ‘chat’ or discussion. It doesn’t always warrant a deep and meaningful but, for example, if I was going to paint the garden furniture I would drop it into the conversation as a curtesy and see how he felt about it and if he had any colour ideas was he happy with the idea as I presumed he would me.

He spoke about the moles, he said they were annoying and I said I don’t want you to use those horrible traps or kill them and the conversation ended.
He obviously didn’t want to talk about it again or say anything further to give me the heads up he was just going to do as he wanted anyway just without telling me.

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 21/09/2018 15:02

When we have moles, I sweep the molehills into the dustpan and put the loose soil on the borders.

Why kill them?

LuluJakey1 · 21/09/2018 15:17

It would be enough to make me seriously think about the future of our relationship.

Dig the traps up. I would. Bastard.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/09/2018 15:17

It wouldn't be not talking to me about it that would bother me, it would be that he was OK with killing a creature that is just leaving piles of soil on the garden.
I've been with my husband for 20 years, his kindness to animals makes my heart melt.
Go out and dig the traps up OP, do it now, stop messing about on MN.
Mow the lawn yourself in future and tell him to stay the fuck away from the moles, twat that he is Angry

starcrossedseahorse · 21/09/2018 15:19

I agree with BlankTimes and you OP. Live and let live. Moles are utterly beautiful and enchanting little creatures. We are often visited by them and a bit of soil turned over on the grass is no big deal.

I am really sorry that your husband is a cruel dickhead. I could not be with a man who thought that this was an ok way to treat our precious wild mammals. Remove the traps asap.

starcrossedseahorse · 21/09/2018 15:19

x post Lulu and Used.

MaxTeyon · 21/09/2018 15:24

Dealing with vermin does not make someone a “cruel dickhead”. I sincerely hope none of you have ever killed so much as a spider.

starcrossedseahorse · 21/09/2018 15:31

I don't kill spiders as it happens - why would I?

Moles are not 'vermin', they are moles and a beautiful wild mammal.

Hanyu · 21/09/2018 15:33

This is why I'm so glad I'm single.

I don't really care that much about my lawn being perfect I'd rather have the wildlife.

starcrossedseahorse · 21/09/2018 15:35

Agree completely Hanyu. It must be horrible for the OP to realise what sort of a person her husband really is.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/09/2018 15:36

He's a cruel dickhead because the moles aren't digging holes that his herd of cows or his arabian stud stallion will fall into, they're making little piles of soil on his lawn and his wife has told him she doesn't want them killed.

furandchandeliers · 21/09/2018 15:38

My nan hits them in the head with a hammer.

I'd say being sliced in half is more humane ShockBlush

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/09/2018 15:39

Then your Nan is fucking cruel and she's also breaking the law.

Omeletteandbeans · 21/09/2018 15:45

YANBU at all OP. If it was so desperately important to him that there not be molehills in the lawn (lawn bores are the worst type of gardener) then he should have discussed it with you further until you could find a mutually acceptable solution. Not gone behind your back.

"Dealing with vermin" is not a morally neutral household task like fixing a washer on a tap. But then what would I know, I've never killed a spider either.

labazs · 21/09/2018 15:50

poor moles everyone is so down on them few humps in the lawn can be flattened down poor things