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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So fucking angry with DH

182 replies

Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 13:05

This might not seem like a massive issue to some but I can feel my blood boiling and could do with either some calming words or an idea of how to confront this situation!

We have moles in our garden. They are a pain but there aren’t too many at the moment and if it gets too bad we discussed a couple of humane traps.

I told DH I was really against mole catchers/traps (that you place in one of their tunnels and they literally slice the mole in half as it runs through) that I found them barbaric and I really don’t want them used in my garden.

I have just watched ‘d’H dig up and reset a mole catcher in the garden.

I’m so angry that 1, he just blatantly ignored my wishes 2, lied to me like I’m a fucking gullible twat 3, thinks it’s ok to use such a device.

AIBU and what is my next move?

OP posts:
UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/09/2018 17:00

It's a hill (no pun intended) I would die on.
Get a spade.
Go into the garden.
Dig up and destroy the traps.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/09/2018 17:02

And some of us do campaign about animal cruelty and factory farming.
HTH

AssassinatedBeauty · 21/09/2018 17:03

Come on, only yer actual proper vegan who grows all their own food can actually have an opinion on killing animals! Thought that was well established.

AlphaBravo · 21/09/2018 17:04

You dont want traps but I'm pretty certain you would moan your head off when your lawn starts to collapse.

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2018 17:05

There's clearly a bigger back story here. Your reaction is extreme and his reaction is you always react extremely so he doesn't discuss things with you . So you're not communicating well.

He clearly disagrees with you on the moles. He feels strongly one way, you feel strongly the other, rhe difference is you weren't doing anything about it and were happy for the garden to become mole city.

So either you have a major back story and rhe moles are irrelevant, or you really do love moles and wished to hand over your garden to them.

My moneys on the back story. However bear in mind you both have a back story and your feelings on him are just as relevant as his feelings on you.

AlevelConfusion · 21/09/2018 17:09

won't it be worse to be stuck terrified in a 'humane trap' before being transported and released, than being sliced in half and knowing nothing about it?j

You really, honestly, truly believe this? Hmm

stayathomer · 21/09/2018 17:10

Years ago we had a problem with mice and got mouse traps-nice plastic ones so you couldn't see the mouse you'd trapped. Woke to hear a high pitched squealing sound downstairs-one had its paw caught in the trap part. Brought it outside far far away and let it out. This happened two more times-by the last time my nerves were gone and we binned the traps. One morning we realised we'd left one behind the oven and a mouse ran across the floor. Me and DH looked at each other and then DH scared it away, picked up the trap and binned it. Someone who shows that level of empathy for an animal-pretty cool!!! OP I say you take it up and argue it. I agree with the save the mole sentiment

PeePeeHula · 21/09/2018 17:11

I didn’t specify other mole killers and if I didn’t like it then I can mow the grass and deal with the lawn as it’s either his way or he’s not doing it.

Is there a reason you can't mow the lawn and take care of the grass? Because that sounds like the solution right there.

Original poster
Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 17:19

Because I won’t mow the lawn as often as he does.
He doesn’t really want me to do it as I wouldn’t do it as well as him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/09/2018 17:22

The thing is it's very rare someone who has a mole problem decides to keep them, moles can cause significant damage unchecked, they can dig a tunnel of 20 feet an hour, and will significant devalue your property and if it starts to impact your neighbours it will cause even deeper issues.

Capturing moles is complex, becayse you need to release it quickly before it dies of stress, and you need to drive a couple of miles from where you caught it. It's illegal to release it anywhere without the land owners permission. For obvious reasons. As such you're going to be at it a couple of times a day at least.

Sleephead1 · 21/09/2018 17:25

I would be so angry I can't believe he would kill a mole so disgusting. I'd go out now and dig them straight up and wouldn't care what he thought

Original poster
Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 17:27

We don’t actually have a mole problem....yet, although I do understand that left unchecked it could escalate.

We literally have a couple of mole hills on a large space of land.

The thing is we didn’t even try the noise deterrents or any other more ‘humane’ ways first.

I also didn’t know we were actually doing anything about the moles or I would’ve done some research to find some ideas I was comfortable with that he could then decide on.

OP posts:
Maybugger · 21/09/2018 17:32

We lob old fashioned mothballs down our molehills, job done.
You say he doesn't respect your views but he's got equally valid opinions that you fall to respect too Hmm. I think you have bigger problems than a couple of molehills OP.

Turquoise123 · 21/09/2018 17:36

That would totally shake me - killing animals in vile ways.....no way.

Babdoc · 21/09/2018 17:37

When I googled moles, I found several articles saying they are GOOD for lawns! They eat grubs and pests that would otherwise eat your grass roots, they aerate the soil, stop it compacting, and they fertilise the lawn with their droppings.
Plus they’re beautiful velvety little souls. Why would anyone want to kill or remove them?

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2018 17:38

If he's already caught a couple you've got a mole problem.

And I agree, you don't respect his opinion either. Why is your opinion the one that matters here?

On this subject I agree with him I'm sorry, As said, left unchecked moles can cause significant damage and it can escalate quickly. And give you a war with your neighbours.

Capture and release is complex and time consuming, and no i wouldn't and didn't. We got a proffesional in. Because I knew full well I'd be looking forever for a land owner to give me permission to release them on their land, and I didn't have the time to be ferrying them back and forward two or three times a day. And no none of the old wives tales worked. Vinegar, coffee granules or some other shit.

So yeah, a deeper issue here neither of you listen to the other. But on this one I wouldn't have listened to you either.

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2018 17:39

When I googled moles

I suggest you google again.

Iggi999 · 21/09/2018 17:40

I remember a story about a B&Q in NI which had mole repellent for sale - despite there not being a single mole in Ireland.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/09/2018 17:40

As such you're going to be at it a couple of times a day at least.

According to RHS, outside of the breeding season (Feb-June) moles are largely solitary creatures.

Akanamali · 21/09/2018 17:41

Unless you're a vegan I would find your whinging annoying if I was your husband. The animals you consume will have been through much worse than dying in a trap. Perhaps your husband didn't realise how strong your feelings were if you're okay to support the animal cruelty that occurs in the meat industry?

This is of course assuming you consume animal products. If you don't I apologise and I can understand why you'd be annoyed at your husband ignoring your wishes.

Original poster
Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 17:49

You know if he had actually discussed his opinion on the matter I’m sure we could’ve reached a compromise.

As it is he just went ahead and did as he pleased.

Why does his opinion automatically trump mine? Who wins here? He wants what he wants I didn’t want what he did so who gets what they want in this scenario?

Surely a compromise that both is happy with is better than him getting what he wants at the detriment to me just because you agree that moles are vermin.

OP posts:
notdaddycool · 21/09/2018 17:53

If he does the lawn etc I can understand them pissing him off and him thinking they are more of a pain than you do. If you really want a different solution do it yourself. Also watch the molehills when you get a chance, my dad saw one growing in size and just dug up the mole and took it to a local wood.

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2018 18:31

He wants what he wants I didn’t want what he did so who gets what they want in this scenario

I'd say as he does the lawn, and you did sod all other than issue instructions, and your decision could cause significant and expensive problems, then on this I'd say he wins.

Original poster
Bobbybear10 · 21/09/2018 19:24

I think you have this round the wrong way tbh.

I certainly don’t do sod all.

He would be quick enough to tell me my strimming wasn’t in the right place or that I could do it better by insert his instructions here

I really don’t want to live in a relationship where if Either of us don’t like something we either have to do it ourselves or shut up.
I’d rather a joint compromise where we are both respectful of the others opinion and meet at a common ground rather than figuratively throwing the tools on the ground and saying ‘if you don’t want it the exact way I’m doing it then do it yourself’ that sounds overly confrontational and pretty childish tbh.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/09/2018 19:38

What was your compromise then op and what did you do to make that happen? Because all you've told us is what instructions you issued him. So my apologies if you got your finger out and acted on your comprimise, Maybe you can explain better?

With regards to the moles obviously.. Clearly my comment on doing sod all was in relation to your subject matter only. Not your life in general, because, well, I don't know