To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

Fuck. What a prick.

At the end of the day, all us parents want our children to be happy.

Probably by not being made to pretend to be "normal". Prick.

I think that when people say stuff like that they think in their heads that it's ok because it's intended in a complimentary way because if they had a child with an additional need they assume they'd want them to be like everyone else.

The difficulty is that it's still not an actual compliment.

I have a son with ASD and have found over the years that less is always more when it comes to compliments. "You were fabulous, mate" "I'm so proud of how smartly you stood with your class" work just as well as anything more long-winded. For my own but also for others.

I keep having people tell me my ASD son is “such a lovely boy despite the Autism”

Aww awful - I hope the teacher was meaning that he enjoyed it and he was fully involved...not really about how he physically looked.

I have much respect for parents of children with additional needs - often I think, what a lucky child to have such a lovely parent and what a lucky parent to have such a lovely child.

People say stupid things but it’s just that...stupid.

My brother has cerebral palsy and the amount of times people had looked at a picture of him and said "you wouldn't know there was anything wrong to look at him" the worst that was said to my mum, from what she has told me was just after he was born, he is in his 40, the midwife on the ward turned to my DM in front of the whole ward and said "I wouldn't hold out much hope for yours love" my DM was only 21, he was her first baby and it was the hospitals fault for not giving her an emergency c-section.

My neighbour once said that there had to be people with disabilities so that everyone else would remember to be thankful that they didn’t...
(Incidentally, I’m not an ‘SEN parent’ as per your thread title; I’m a parent of someone who has SEN. A small point...)

My brother told me that my DD was a freak of nature, a monster, and if I were any sort of parent I'd give her a good hiding (because that would apparently cure her autism). Needless to say, he's fucking arsehole and I no longer have any contact with him.

From MIL (also autistic...) about DD (autistic, but doing great in mainstream secondary school) "she's come on so much in the last year. When you see her walking along you'd almost think she was normal"

Not a SEN parent but have a disabled sister and I get very angry about the way people speak to parents of disabled children. I've witnessed people saying incredibly rude things to my mum over the years. A few examples...

My mum worked so hard to get my sister to be independent, she was simply amazing. She had her own purse and once at church she was fumbling to get her money out during the collection as my mum bad taught her to do. It wasn't a big deal, the guy collecting just had to wait a bit longer but it was all fine. After the service a woman said to my mum "awww, I was sat behind [your daughter] and I saw her struggling to get money out of her purse. I just thought bless her, why do you bother trying to teach her that? She will never really get it will she?"

Also a woman sarcastically screaming out "oh yeah because you're really disabled" when she saw us getting out of the car after parking in a disabled space (my sister's disability isn't immediately obvious). I was only about 8 and I remember hugging my mum in the shop when she cried a tiny bit.

And a much more recent one, my mum told her "friend" that my sister had just moved into supported living accommodation and her "friend" said "oooh but you hear such awful things about those places on the news don't you? Aren't you worried she will get abused?"

People are idiots. Sorry about your son's teacher OP, that was an insensitive and ridiculous thing for them to say

"He doesn't look like he's got ASD, he looks normal". To which I replied "you don't look stupid either, you look normal".

She shuffled off pretty quickly after that!

When I was pregnant with DS2 (DS1 has SEN) people asked me what I would do if DS2 has disabilities too. Love him exactly the same as I love DS1 obviously! People are idiots 🙄

My ASD child tried out for the school football team, which he had zero chance of getting on dye to lack of talent. Speaking to another mum I expressed my concerns about other children laughing at him etc. She replied with "Well my DS had been talking all week about your DS going for the trails. I said Don't worry they won't choose him just because they feel sorry for him". And I just stood there like a lemon, fuming inside and saying nothing!

Yes. If it wasn't my best friend telling me the things adults have said to her/her SN 5yo then I wouldn't believe it.

How can people be so fucking awful?!

Grown adults calling a 4yo a retard for wearing ear defenders. Mocking the noises he makes and laughing etc etc. Calling her a terrible parent to her face while her child is kicking/hitting her and banging his own head against a wall.

Anyone in that situation can surely see the lady needs support or at the very least to be left alone.

But no. Shout some abuse or laugh. Urgh. Fuckers.

As a teacher I think it is absolutely disgusting the way some SEND children are treated. I've observed lessons where the teacher totally ignores them and treats them the same as the rest of the children when they are clearly struggling. I've seen one teacher put German subtitles on for a hearing impaired child and did absolutely nothing about said subtitles, leaving the poor girl clueless for the entire lesson. I've seen teachers let other students bully SEND children. HOWEVER, I believe there is starting to be a real shift in this behaviour.

I think there is a real lack of awareness particularly in older teachers that we're trained a long time ago. However we are getting much, much better at this. Every time a new trainee comes to the school I am astounded and impressed at how much SEND knowledge they are taught from day 1. There is some real pioneering work being done with trainees, it's incredible.

Also, just a positive spin, I have come across some absolute inspirational teachers that genuinely care for their SEND students. I really wish that other people could see what I see on a day-to-day basis because the work that both teachers and students do is incredible and I am often on the verge of tears because there are people that care so, so much about your children.

If your child is repeatedly not being given the treatment they deserve then move schools. There are some lovely, caring, passionate teachers that love what they do and are more than happy to make reasonable adjustments and go above and beyond for your child. Please never hesitate to speak to the SENCO about what is being done for your child or any unreasonable comments made. Your child deserves every opportunity as every other child, and there are some amazing people out there that will make sure this happens

I have 2 boys with asd and constantly get the would wouldn't know lookong at them. I have even had I you sure they have asd.
In am currently not happy with a teacher telling me how great ds2 is as he just goes with the flow and follows the others makes him sound like a sheep!

Also when people try to empathise by saying how their NT kid also has meltdowns/sensory issues/never bloody sleeps etc thus negating what being autistic means.

Ive had well why would other children want to talk to my child if they cant be understood by a teacher, so my child with speech delay should be excluded at 4 by other children due to sen then, wonder if they would say same if child deaf or blind, apparently it was a perfectly valid reason for children to pick on my child. One that really irritates is "oh arnt you a pickle, are you being naughty, you must exhaust mummy", while my child who is being assesed for autism runs next to me occasionally bending down to pick up a stick while making a happy but quiet noise. Actually mummy doesnt find him exhausting, he is very laid back and well behaved and no trouble at all. I had nursery act suprised as my child not violent as apperently autism must mean your violent.

About autistic DS "there's nothing wrong with him he's just fussy"

I get the “....but she’s such a pretty girl”

Yeah, that’s helpful 🙄

My pet hate is 'we're all on the autistic spectrum, some of us are shy" Errr No.

I've seen teachers let other students bully SEND children this happened all the time when I was at school in the 80's, it was a way for the teachers to impress the bullies and try to get them on side. I'm really glad it's not happening as much now.

Ive had well why would other children want to talk to my child if they cant be understood by a teacher,

That reminds me of another one. When DD was 9 and being bullied her headteacher said that she'd watched the situation and it was clear that all the other children were horrible to her because she kept trying to play with them so if she learns to leave them all alone then there won't be a problem.

My DS1 has ADHD, dyspraxia and anxiety. He holds it together amazingly at school and is a friendly, polite, empathic wee boy. I also have a hugely supportive bunch of friends, but even they don't get that he is very very different when he's in a safe space, and they have no idea how hard it is to parent a child with no impulse control.
Just because they think he's great doesn't mean that he isn't isolated and derided by his peers.
I read a recent thread where a poster described her happiness at her DS getting a birthday invitation. That's me. DS1 is in his final year of primary.

Said to a friend whose son has autism: "Are you sure he isn't just a little shit". Jesus wept...

I have a son with neurological problems and physical disabilities. He's nearly 4 and can't walk. I'm struggling emotionally inside. I'm really struggling seeing him being different. To make it worse I'm a nursery nurse in a private school to chikdren his exact age. I'm struggling. He can't come with me as the setting isn't appropriate for his needs. He's had seizures and been in a coma after these seizures. I don't know how I'm getting up in the morning. Maybe the fact that he's so beautiful and fills me with joy when he laughs. Maybe that I have another son who needs his mum.