To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

From a hospital consultant a few months ago when I explained (now a young adult) dd could not do something as she's autistic. "Don't be ridiculous, of course she can do that."

From the Head of Year at secondary school, "Will you ask her not to say she can't do things because she has dyspraxia, she's only using it as an excuse"

Cashier in the bank when they saw something about her disability on their screen "You don't look disabled"

From teacher SIL when dd was about 13, "Has she grown out of her Dyspraxia yet?"

Primary school SENCO who said dd was 'fine' in school so didn't need any dx and told our GP school 'saw nothing' Over a couple of years, when I was trying to get school to see there were problems, "She needs to toughen up, pay attention, stop fidgeting, stop being so immature, make more effort in the playground so other children will like her, try harder, concentrate on her writing, practise throwing a ball,
be more sociable. You need to stop mollycoddling her. You need to make her more independent, you need to let her do x and loads more I can't remember as it was a long time ago.

That SENCO is now Head of that primary school, I feel sorry for any kids with SN who are there now.

Oh and anyone who says autism /SN is a label.
It's a medical diagnosis, done by highly qualified medical professionals. Calling autism and other SN a label is denigrating and offensive, it's not some form of temporary sticker you would put on a suitcase and change it when you were on a different journey. I find it particularly offensive when it's used to denote a condition that someone has from birth and will have all their lives. Children and adults are not labelled autistic, they are diagnosed as autistic/having autism by medical professionals.

And breathe.

"There's nothing wrong with him, he's just naughty."

"There's nothing wrong with him, he's just awkward."

"There's nothing wrong with him, he's just lazy."

Said by an experienced teacher when we raised concerns about our son, before he was diagnosed with autism.

Said by a 'friend' who knows my dd has hfa 'I want my son to look for other friends at high school when he goes there as his current best friend has hfa'

Airaforce

A parent at an autism conference told us when people made disparaging remarks about their autistic son , his wife would say, "My son has autism. What's your problem?"

Bloody hell. These are shocking. What is wrong with people?

The worst thing is, it doesn't matter how long ago these awful things were said, they stay with you for ever.

From his dad just before I started the rounds of referral for eventual diagnosis of ASD:"nothing a good smack wouldn't fix" (we are now divorced)
From my sister when I said we'd been given DLA "he's not really that autistic though, he never stops talking"

“His presentation at school means you must have issues at home.”

No. No, we actually really don’t. We manage him properly (not actually difficult) ergo, he isn’t angry/upset at home.

Funnily enough, with a new teacher, he’s happier at school and therefore not difficult there either all of a sudden...

"An education is a bit wasted on her , but she just turns up to eat lunch" from DDs old class teacher.

we had an old lady stood behind us in a queue while my ASD non verbal 3 yr old was screaming because I had to take off the new shoes for the assistant to scan the label so I could pay for them, she leaned right into his face and said 'what an awful noise' when that freaked him out even more she said 'what an awful child' we were going thru diagnosis process at that point, ( I said he is not an awful chil he is a disabled child who does not understand what is happening and burst into tears I have to say the rest of the queue were not impressed with her
MiL when mentioning DH and I were expecting (to her GP ) was told he was being selfish to have kids as he has a genetic condition that would have been inherited by our dc is he had been a dd not a ds

sorry IF he had been a dd not ds

pouraglasshalfull, I spent 20 years of my teaching career in SEND and disagree that experienced teachers don’t have empathy and some understanding of SEND. As with most things, there are some who are endlessly creative in adapting the curriculum, making adjustments, changing whatever can be changed and are truly inclusive. There are some who are the opposite. It isn’t about age, it’s about attitude, willingness to learn and try to understand and to make school a positive experience as much as possible.

Child with SEN - not SEN child
Parent of a child with SEN - not SEN parent
Child with autism - not Autistic child

Make your language inclusive and person-centric.

Somebody told me it was a pity they couldn't see autism on the anomaly scan so that I could have done something about it.So fundamentally telling me it would have been better if I'd aborted my children

Said by a pediatrician yesterday....so many parents/schools want to label a child when they cannot deal with their behaviour. I have 1 diagnosed child, took until he was 11 to be diagnosed and since starting secondary school he has been so let down he now self harms and contemplates suicide. My daughter is 7 and has never behaved badly at school or home but is not struggling because she makes eye contact. This said with a lot of other patronising rubbish.

'Kids grow up and leave home, at least your DS will be with you forever' is the best of a bad bunch.

”careful! Watch you don't crash into that retarded little boy". (Another parent to her daughter coming out of nursery)

"So is [My child] still 'backwards’ then?" ( My mother, who probably wonders why I don't phone her more often...)

"Someone needs a good smacking that'll shut it up" (random stranger sat a car boot sale). No, he has autism, you bloody ignorant birch! And who asked her to share opinions anyway??!

HR manager when she saw DS, who she knew very well had a congenital birth defect which meant blue lights every few weeks: She peered into the pram, shrugged, said "he looks fine to me."

"The trouble with your son is, he just doesn't take risks"

Said about my son who has DCD with emotional issues and distance/height confusion.

I was told by a mental health social worker your daughter is so beautiful I am sure she will always find someone to look after her (at that stage I contemplated why so many mental health nurses got assaulted by families & how lucky for her she wasn't one!) this creep & the psychologist were assessing me rather than my dc when I had requested an asd assessment - they were the route through to full asd assessment. In those days trying to get diagnosis (especially for girls) was rare. But I did insist & thanks to advice from NAS I knew which assessment centre to ask for & dc got diagnosis. Another time dc was at guides & one of the assistants who was teaching assistant at her high school asked me if I thought it was unfair she was at mainstream school because she distracting to other children (she was a very quiet submissive child who needed help but had a statement) -several choice thoughts about whether the cow was in the right job.

Yes I particularly hate:
"well we're on the autistic spectrum aren't we" - no we are not otherwise the world would be set up differently and the NTs would be in the minority.
Also, when I am saying about dd1 (ASC, Adhd and chronic tic disorder) something like "she finds being in school really hard, managing all the interactions and the constant sensory input, it makes her really anxious" and the person I am talking to keeps saying 'well so do all kids" - no, it is not the same. Sure school can be stressful for everyone but autistic kids are running a marathon every bloody day.

And of course not forgetting that old classic "She doesn't look autistic".

Oh and the backhander "you'd never know - she looks really normal".

"There's no such thing as dyslexia, just lazy children" - from a bloke I used to work with who was a retired headmaster...

eelbecomingforyou actually some within the asd community would disagree with person first - it should be based on what individual feels is right BUT I agree never use an adjective as a noun in disability to describe the individual.