To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

Yanbu. I'm not sure which was worse, there have been a few awful ones. Ds4 had an operation in his face and had that surgical glue stuff over the stitches to keep them clean. An Ofsted inspector came up to me when I was picking my dc up from school and told me i should wipe his face, she must have thought it was snot . I was quite impressed with the teacher though, she told the Ofsted inspector off.

I've also had people shout at ds2 in his wheelchair, calling him a cripple, following us around while asking nosy questions. I really hate that as ds2 understands and gets upset. Nobody says anything when dh is around, just when it's me.

Apparently dd is a wheelchair user to punish me for something I did in another life! Nothing to do with being a very premature twin. Twats!

"People are always going to bully people like [daughter]. She needs to get used to it."

• Head of Pupil Care & Support at her secondary school

"You really should be working on his resiliency, this kind of behaviour is not appropriate" - said about my DS who (predictably) had a PTSD episode after the teacher hit all three of his biggest triggers in 1 class. I firmly suggested that she might want to read his file!

I've had some interesting comments come my way due to the permanent presence of ear defenders on my person (around my neck or over my ears), if they get too annoying I put them on...makes my point fairly clearly

My parents call their other grandchildren normal (as opposed to mine, who are by default abnormal).

An LSA to one of my kids (with ASD) who kept complaining to me that he should look people in the eyes and should talk to people more. Erm.... shouldn't you do some research into ASD before you take this job love?

Aww what a shame and hrs such a beautiful child , well yea he is jes absolutley stunning imo but its not a shame he is who he is and tje usual i dont how. you do it i couldn't do it , its not something i chose but hes my child and you do what you have to do .Ds is severly autistic and has learning disabilities.

Oh and I forgot about the classic head tilt, followed by "well he hasn't got proper autism" about my son who has aspergers syndrome. Also the comments of "at least he hasn't got cancer" and " my sister's hairdresser's auntie has a child with autism. He is much worse than your child but his mum never complains and has an immaculate house".

CrochetBelle

Did you tell a more senior member of staff about this comment? This is unacceptable

I really hate how people end sentences regarding my DS with a ‘bless him’. It really pisses me off.

I’ve had many stupid/rude/hurtful comments over the years, but that annoys me each and every time.

I agree there are some examples of stupid behaviour around SEN in schools. I knew a behaviour manager who regularly updated the list of conditions for all the children who needed extra. Funny....they all had the same things. First ADHD, then ASD, then ODD....

It was horrid for the teacher and the child as every new fiddle toy invention was thrown at the child - 1 child had 16 different strategies to remember and use! Unnecessary!

Btw not against supporting SEND. Against 'trendy diagnosis' and constantly changing management strategies rather than individualised changes.

My son has high functioning autism and has had years of challenging behaviour (still does really). He has an old Welsh name - his father is half Welsh half Scottish) so unusual.

Ringing the Drs to get an appointment (before his diagnosis) and the receptionist asked what it was for so I said that 'I am struggling to manage his behaviour and violence towards his younger sibling'. She thinks she has put me on hold but hasn't and I hear her say to her colleague 'Well with a name like *** you wouldn't expect any different would you?'. She then talks to me again and says my appointment time and I thank her. And then I say 'btw I heard everything you just said and I would like to speak to your practice manager right now please'. She apologised but it was totally judgemental and unnecessary and just made a difficult situation worse.

The pity gets me. “Aww, what a wee shame, poor thing”. I have the happiest wee girl in the world, why people think pity is necessary is beyond me.

Then there was the time she was in her wheelchair and threw a proper strop about something and was really rude. We gave her in to trouble. Nothing makes you feel shittier than the outraged comments from people seeing you give a child in a wheelchair in to trouble in public. And yet, without the wheelchair, if she had behaved like that and we let her get away with it, we’d have been thought of as terrible parents.

I have much respect for parents of children with additional needs - often I think, what a lucky child to have such a lovely parent and what a lucky parent to have such a lovely child.

This is one of the things that gets my goat. Comes from a good place I’m sure, but is actually quite patronising. I’m just a parent, like any other, trying to swim through treacle and live with the hand I’ve been dealt. I deserve no more respect than any other parent who faces a whole different set of issues from me. Whether it is the single parent holding down a bunch of jobs, or the parent of multiples, or the young mum judged far more harshly than I just because I’ve 25 years on her. We’re all just spinning different plates.

I am an SEN parent as I have aspergers.
A speech therapist said 'he's able to make eye contact and answer questions.' About my ds1 who has aspergers too. Um yes, it's called masking.🤦🏻‍♀️
My so called friend 'he's not very autistic is he?' So, you're saying your ds is more autistic than mine? It's like SEN competitive parenting!

I don't know any kids with SEN. But if I wasn't sure what to say u would just STFU. I'm socially awkward and these stories are making me feel normal. Sorry you all have to go through this. It's especially bad from people that should know better (teachers etc)

My youngest brother has severe cerebral palsy. We get ‘but he’s so gorgeous’ a lot. We’ve also had a group of men in their forties call him a cabbage, lots of people asking nosy questions, lots of rude stares and a two people offering to ‘heal’ him in Central London

Our occupational therapist told me “oh no he’s not autistic he’s far too lovely”

It was as though he couldn’t be both

Sure, she’ll catch up or the suggestion I have another baby so her brother has a ‘normal’ sibling

Oh the pity thing gets me too. Please please don't pity me, although some days are enough to make me run away there are moments where my heart bursts with pride for things other parents take for granted, like managing to put on socks and shoes. And Autism doesn't mean my child doesn't love me, I know she does I see it everyday when her eyes light up when she sees me or she opts to sit beside me.

My daughter is 26 now and she has autism. When she was 5 I went to a parents evening and I was talking enthusiastically about the things she loved to do and enjoyed the teacher looked at me with no expression and said 'you know she doesn't smile like other children'. I burst into tears and I can say I didn't stop for the next week, it was like I faced the fact that my daughter would never have the kind of life I had wished for her. After the week I changed I puffed my self up and became mamma bear no teacher would never not see the beautiful and loving little girl that was part of me. She has done everything that any other child has done and to what here autism allows she does. Anyone the disrespects my girl disrespects me life is for living.

My mum who us 82, came out with some crackers about dd 11 who has classic Autism and learning difficulties:

1. Oooh she will turn normal when she's 18 (I shit you not!)
2. Aroflogirl make dd stop flapping it doesent look normal, what will people outside think!
3. Dd stop flapping, you look like a chicken😂😂😂😂
4. Oh dd behaviour is much calmer since I came, it must be my healing way😂😂😂😂😂

At ds 6 spirits day, there is a girl who has SN. She bust into tears in the sack race. Her mum told me she overheard a wanker dad exclaim tgat "they shoukd not let them out like that"😯😯😯

I have lots but thankfully have largely forgotten most of them.

In a written report from one of my then 11 year old ASD DS who was three weeks into secondary school: "this child is mad". Handed to me by the head as evidence why my child was being asked to leave.

Er no, my child has ASD and all the behaviours of which you complain are to be expected in someone with ASD in a new setting. Wouldn't care but I had spent ages briefing the school and his old TA (who never had any problem with him) had even come and visited the school before my DC started.

I was so shattered I just slunk away. I think I even thanked them for their feedback. Sadly I have lost the report because 10 years down the line I'd be sticking it on Twitter at the first opportunity.

Oh and another one from a (different) headteacher "Don't ever leave him alone with his siblings, will you?" Presumably because he would either eat them or infect them with his ASD? Why on earth do people feel entitled to come out with such bollocks?

My husband took our daughter in for a speech and language drop in session (before we knew she was autistic) due to delayed speech. I got my phone during my lunch break to see how it went. I knew there would be a speech delay, but was really surprised to find out she also had issues with understanding. I worked at my daughter's first nursery, and saw the message in the manager's office. I mentioned my shock to my manager, who said, "It doesn't surprise me. Her attention flitters around like a baby's." She was about a week away from her third birthday, and this was the first I had been told about something that should have been an obvious concern for any professional. Later found out that her policy was not to bring up concerns so that parents didn't get weird and pull their child out of the nursery. That was the point when I really started looking for a new job.

DS2 has an Asperger's diagnosis. When he was in Year 1 his teacher struggled to hide her dislike of him. She thought he was "just a naughty child" and on one occasion she told me that I was unlucky to have a child who chose to be so difficult.

The worst thing she did was put a sign on the back of the classroom door. It was called "[Ds's name]'s rules for behaviour". 1. Play nicely. 2. No hitting. 3. Sit down nicely.... etc, etc, etc. Right there on the door, for all the parents to see as I dropped DS off. I was so angry I couldn't speak. I had to go home and calm down before I could phone the Head Teacher and speak about it rationally.

It was a crass, humiliating and meaningless thing for her to do, because I can't remember a time when DS had hit another child (although the sign was telling other children and their parents that he might!) and he wouldn't have had a clue what "Play nicely" meant. He's now 13 and I still despise the woman! By total contrast his Year 2 teacher was a dream. She totally "got" him and he thrived in her class.

My SIL is autistic with severe learning delays and is in care. FIL kept going on and on about how DD couldn't be autistic because she'd get upset when DH and I went away for a few hours for events or dates. Because autistic people can't be attached to parents? Or upset at changes in routines? He acted like he was an expert because he's been in some parent groups. Got to the point where it was actually a relief to get the diagnosis to knock him down a peg or two.

I keep being told that she can't have any issues as she's so well behaved.

I don't have the confidence to them that it's because her bad behaviour is only shown to me. She holds it together all day when she's at Nursery and then lets it all out at home.

Or another one is "She's quite cute despite the eye problem"