To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

Ive also had the shared posts about basically how autism is due crap parenting and lack of cuddles (I co slept and used a carrier for a long time and my children are always told how much they are loved and hugged, we are always doing stuff for the children, they are my life) another annoyong one is children will speek if you talk to them and its lazy parenting which causes speech delay.

You have to love when people are some how expects when they dont have a clue dont you. I feel so protective of my children because of the awful stuff said

Not as U as the others on this thread but I hate it when people just look at the autism and not the child, iyswim?
A prime example would be people coming up to DD and saying in an over exaggerated way 'hiiiiiii, smallpotato, how arrrreee yooooou?' like she was 2. I know they wouldn't do it if they didn't know - and it's not immediately obvious.
Some of my mum's cronies are potentially like this which is why my DM hasn't told most of them...

I hate it when you get I have a relative with autism so I know said to me by school senco and the we have x amount of years experience with autism. But autism being such a broad spectrum means nobody is ever a expert or proepely exerpinced in autism and you certainly don't know because you have a relative with autism.

Child with autism - not Autistic child
Excuse me but no, I'm an autistic adult, my choice. Don't choose for me or for anyone else. Pick your own, pick your child's, but don't tell anyone else what they can and can't use.
And I particularly love 'well we're all somewhere on the spectrum' and 'you don't look autistic' and 'you'd never guess you have autism' - well no you wouldn't because I've had 40 years of pretending to be the same as everyone else and every time I step outside the front door I'm masking. If you saw me flapping at home, twitching, stimming, sitting on the kitchen floor having a meltdown for no real reason, rocking and so on, or if you could appreciate the high levels of anxiety I experience over the smallest things then maybe you'd get it. But you only get to see short moments of me trying to be like you & saying very little so it's less obvious I'm guessing my way through life.

A mother told me that my son shouldn't be allowed in school with all the normal children. He should be in a. Special school for kids like him!
What upset me most was her daughter was born at 27 weeks and could so easily have had Cerebral Palsy or such
Like due to her being born so early. Luckily she was absent fine.

I've had a major step recently with my mum - rather than ignoring my autism (diagnosed as adult) she managed to vaguely acknowledge it. Unfortunately she could only manage that I struggle with something because of my 'personality' - no mum, it's because I have autism. I know it's embarrassing for you having a child with a label but let's all be grown-ups here (instead of just me) and acknowledge that I have an actual named condition. I'm not just shy.

another annoyong one is children will speek if you talk to them and its lazy parenting which causes speech delay

@bookwormnerd

My DD has a speech disorder...I hate this too. I felt so judged throughout her diagnosis. Do I talk to her? Do I play with her? FFS Etc etc

About my son, who is diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.
'it's just excuses for your shit parenting and him not knowing how to do as he's fucking told'
'nothing a good slap wouldn't sort'
'if your son hits mine again in school, I'll give you a good hiding'

Read my mind. Almost started a similar thread yesterday. My youngest has autism and I get comments like "oh I'm so sorry what a shame for him" erm no hes fine thanks. Or " I'm sure he will grow out of it"

Does he have a special talent said to me by a paediatric nurse ,"Rainman" has a lot to answer for by the same nurse does he get any kind of education , well he gpes to a special school but of course he gets his statuory right to his education, you couldnt make it up

I sympathise fully and I accept that it’s still awful, but I take some hope from the changes I have seen over the 36 years of my life as a doctor.
I was the clinical lead in anaesthesia for special needs patients in my hospital, and had to alter a lot of staff and management mind sets in the early days, to make our patients at ease.
To give you a time line of the improvement, may I quote from one patient’s notes (anonymously, name changed):
1970’s: “ I saw this Mongol at the clinic today”
1980’s: This Down’s Syndrome presented today”
1980’s: “This patient with Down’s Syndrome..”
1990’s: “This girl, with learning difficulties...”
2000’s: “I saw Mary at the clinic today”
Interesting how the recognition of “Mary” as a human being slowly improves, and the description of her slowly becomes less derogatory, isn’t it?
As I said, I take hope that attitudes are (slowly) changing. The Something Special tv show would never have been shown 30 years ago, and special needs children were often shut away in institutions. We have a long way to go, but we’re at least on the road.

Someone's actually referred to my eldest who is on the spectrum as '
"Rainman"

I hear this from hfa parents to me (not knowing i have a child with severe asd): oh i dont want my kids picking up their habits. Theres no loyalty from parents of children with sen either

babdoc your post is brilliant.

Some of the things said ON HERE and allowed to stand by moderators have been horrific as well.

Let's see - my daughter's been described as repulsive and that she should quite rightly be bullied because she chews things for sensory processing related reasons - that was on MN and allowed to stand.

Her particular issue is "one of those made up syndromes from parents wanting excuses why their kids aren't doing well in school" - again - another MN classic.

She shouldn't be allowed in school because she has continence problems as a result of a set of medical needs associated with her condition - that one's a regular MN one - again allowed to stand quite merrily.

Just throwing out there while we're discussing how crap the world can be that MN can be an absolute cesspool for these attitudes at times and MNHQ allow the comments to stand with monotonous regularity (seem to have forgotten the "this is my child" campaign).

Other corkers:
From my brother (who is a social worker who spent at least a chunk of time working with the children with disabilities team - to make it doubly appalling) the nice belief that dyspraxia isn't real and she'll grow out of it (I pity the families who have to deal with him - he's a bloody arsehole)

"That kid can't talk right" - from queen bee on the playground. Yep, she has speech problems - you've got a fucking attitude problem - hers is more likely to improve than yours is.

The one I did pull school up on last year (I generally can't praise school highly enough - we struck gold getting in there) was a midday supervisor who made a huge thing of plonking DD2 at the back of the line and telling her "you always have to line up there so there's nothing for you to knock over because you're ALWAYS knocking things over aren't you?" To be fair to the woman concerned when it was pointed out to her she was absolutely mortified that she might have upset such a lovely little girl and I think it was a case of her mindset still being set in like the 1980s or something and just needing it bringing to her attention. Class teacher, bless her, made a point of knocking over things herself for a few days and just picking them up without comment to normalise it and make it clear that everyone knocks things over.

Oh and every fucking consultation with SALT professionals where I've had to sit through the "get off your phone, turn the TV off and talk to your child" speech, and they've then asked what I do for a living - and the absolutely disgusting way they change from talking to me like an idiot to talking to me like I'm a normal, good parent who just happens to have a child who has speech and language problems... because they've learnt I'm a teacher. I've now taken to bringing my other daughter - who is incredibly clearly spoken with an amazing vocabulary (my child with problems also has an amazing vocabulary - it's just getting it out that's the issue) to appointments with me - so when they start the assumptions I mustn't have interacted with my kid and "caused" her problems (I didn't - she has verbal dyspraxia and also just generally disorganised dyspraxic speech in general) I just let DD1 start talking and they sharpish change that tune... when she pauses to let them get a word in edgeways!

zzzz let's add into that list - academies who openly tell parents of children who have SN and enquire about admissions that "we don't want any more children with SN here - go elsewhere please" (local one does that and gets away with it - not just the rumour mill telling me that, I know of staff who've quit because they morally couldn't stand by and condone it happening by still working at the school).

Oh grim - I hear you with regard to the dyspraxia! No, he's not just clumsy and no it doesn't just manifest in his inability to cross a room without hurting himself!

agreed.

in my lifetime [i'm 42] we've as a society come such a long way, though still a long way to go, in terms of racism & homophobia.

ableism - not so much.

I've pm'ed you grim

I often wonder if my experience of professionals (which is actually fairly good) is that way because I am “posh” and educated.

I think that counts for a hell of a lot zzzzz - like I say - the change in tone when they find out my profession is really eyebrow raising at times. I've found it hard going and judgemental and very draining at times going through it - how on earth must it feel if you're coming at it as a parent who is younger, less well educated, less confident talking to people in a professional capacity and just less articulate in general?! Must be incredibly alienating and I can understand why sometimes people end up just getting very hostile to "the system" or give up.