To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

That my child was 'slow'
That I was making it up.
That I had MBP.
That it was my parenting
That they just needed a 'good whack'

So many hurtful, ignorant and downright nasty comments over the years and it's appalling. I'm sorr th that you've all experienced it too. It's just not good enough.

When heavily pregnant with ds I was asked if I was worried my son would be Autistic like my brother, who has autism and LD. Only think that stopped me strangling her was the fact that we were in a church at the time. My son was a rainbow baby after mainly miscarriages and I wouldn’t care if he came out as a giraffe with eight eyes.
(My son is Sen with other dx and suspected ASD and he’s fabulous btw.)
Also being asked over and over by ppl if he ever stops moving or shuts up is wearing after a while.

Lord I remember hearing so many of y=these things or similar over the years - my respect & hugs to all of you & plenty of empathy/sympathy 7 anger & understanding of your frustration - wax models & pins anyone?

I remember once being about fifteen and someone called my baby brother a retard too... they ran FAST. I’m fat now but I think if anyone ever said it about ds I’d find my inner gazelle again.

My DM loves my DS, but she has also told me more than once that I shouldn't want to have any more children, in case they are "Just like him".

Oh and I should add, DS has very high functioning ASD. He's the quirky but bright kid.

I'm under investigation for ADHD. DM accepts I have many of the traits, but insists it comes from my DFs side of the family, as he has a cousin with ADHD.

It also took many years (until I was around 30) for DM to accept I'm disabled. I have Ehlers-Danlos and had been diagnosed since I was a teen.

My issues are less with other people / parents as a lot of the time I think people are trying to figure out what to say, but screw it up (altho obviously some people are just rude!) My bigger problem is with so called specialists.

Despite being diagnosed with sensory processing difficulties and struggling with processing over stimulating activities , I had to deal with the ABA therapist being a lazy cow and trying to give DS lessons on an iPad, complete with flashing lights, sounds etc, when I'd specifically laid out it was one of his triggers. Cue "well you don't want him to behind the other kids in learning about technology, do you?" HE'S 3 AND ITS YOUR FUCKING JOB TO UNDERSTAND WHY THIS DOESNT WORK

Also, speech therapist, berating him for not listening and taking games / toys away in sessions as he couldn't focus. When she had his file in front of her which clearly states sometimes has issues with language processing speeds and concentration is a problem.

Not to mention if one more fecking person tells me that an activity schedule and a timer is the panacea to all our ills, I'm going to shove it up their arse so far, the laminated card will be in their mouth

A stranger in tescos once helpfully recommended a plastic surgeon for my toddler
I'm presuming you hid the body well in the freezer? What the actual fuck is wring with people.

I will never moan the next time someone says "ah, what's wrong with him?", "of isn't it a pity for them, poor things" etc again after reading some of these. At least I can assume the patronising comments are meant to be well intended

We've had one teacher believe that they could cure his autism, she said that he wouldn't be doing that nonsense when he was in her class (flapping). Also I stopped taking the children to grotto's after 'Father Christmas' was really nasty with DS (who has ASD and learning difficulties) because DS was telling him what he was hopefully getting for Christmas (he doesn't like surprises so we have to tell him what he is most likely to be getting, if he behaves) he just reels things off too its like he's reading information from a sheet or something so he just repeated his list basically 'Father Christmas' didn't like it and sat glaring at DS then looked directly at me glaring and shook his head. Tosser, thankfully DS is oblivious to people's twattish behaviours.

When DS was about 4, he hated the sound of cutlery. I had gone to a cafe with my mum, DS, DD (who was 3) and DS2 who was a newborn. DS1 had mostly been ok with cutlery for a bit so we took a chance at going to a cafe. Anyway someone dropped a plate with some cutlery on it, so that was it DS just completely freaked cried, and as I had the baby in a sling, one of those that are like a wrap, and he was having a feed my mum said she'd take DS1 out (we found that if we took him for a quick walk to get him out of a situation like that, once he'd calmed down we could mostly get him to come back in) anyway... some people who were sat on the next table said that I was a bad mother and it should be me sorting out my child not my mother.

Thing is though..I don't know if anyone else is like that, but In most situations, I'm quite quick with come-backs but when it is regarding DS.. I can't, I just freeze and get really upset and don't know what to say.

DS as he's got older, has got more obviously autistic and displays learning difficulties, so it is immediately obvious to people, he just gets stared at now.

My grandad, he's in his mid 90's (he's lovely) asked if people would take exception to DS flapping and 'acting strangely' my uncle told him to be quiet (grandad wasn't being mean though and I didn't mind) he actually then went and researched autism so he understands DS now :)

ASD (high functioning) - where do I start?
Eye rolls are the worst...

Wow, you couldn’t tell.
He has very clear speech and advanced vocab - are you sure?
Aren’t they meant to be really clever?
He might grow out of it.
He just need better discipline.
(On the bus) eye rolls because he is sitting - (has dyspraxia too and is very prone to falling over)

Etc, etc.

When dd was still at mainstream school but in the specialist clas. Her teacher told me the only reason dds new school wants to accept her is because she looks so sweet and innocent. If they knew what she’s really like they wouldn’t accept her. I nearly broke down.
Well dd was accepted and that same teacher was made deputy head at that school.
She didn’t stop kissing my ass for a good few years. She would over act when she saw me. Hugging and asking how things were. I went along with it for the sake of dd otherwise I would have told her to shove off. Luckily dd and I didn’t have too much contact with her.
I have so many more like this. Unfortunately

Dds new school was an amazing special needs school btw.

I have had other parents treat my child like their genetic condition is contagious.

I had to see a surgeon recently and he enquired about my home life and responsibilities (trying to establish how I would cope at home post surgery). When I mentioned that I had a preschooler with autism, he actually said 'im so sorry'. I was not impressed and most offended.

My favourite is “have you tried glasses?” Ds has bee limited vision. Do people actually think we haven’t been to specsavers?! And his teacher last year who used all the autism support mechanisms for him despite the fact he doesn’t have autism. The reason he won’t follow the class in the gym hall is because he can’t see the class. The reason he freaks when someone appears beside him is because they literally appear from nowhere. And he gets stuck reading for example because the teacher refused to give audio clues because they were learning to tell time on the class clock.

Oh this one gets my goat.
My son is 3. Non verbal ASD but when he's happy he squeals and flaps. He did this in Tesco recently and an old lady kept tutting and looked disgusted every time he did it.
I very loudly told her my son can't help his behaviour but her ignorance was her own choice.
He's also recently been diagnosed with a rare and degenerative disease so as you can imagine I've not been dealing with this so great. Anyway a friend of mine, a medical professional no less, recently told me I can't let my mental health ruin my time left with my son......
Fuckwits are everywhere. It's like an epidemic!

I've been told how lucky I am that DH stayed with me after DD turned out to have SN

Said to me about my friend's DS who has a physical disability and needs a colostomy bag and gets very tired and very sore. Old friend of ours who had moved away but was back visiting asked how she was doing and I said it's not easy as her DS is 12 now and missing a lot of school and she still has to get up every night to change his bag. Old friend said all breezily "oh well she doesn't know any better as it's what parenthood has always been like for her". Just glad she didn't say it to friends face!

I honestly think some people genuinely don’t know what to say, and it comes out wrong. It’s such a sensitive situation.

The things people have had said to them.....just horrific.

I've remembered a few more:

• are you sure you want him to be in the Christmas show? It's not fair when he ruins it for everyone.
• we'll our other autistic children don't behave like that so why should he?
• have you thought about just keeping at home?
• he has to decide to behave better, no one can help him
• do they know what's wrong with him?

All by teachers....

Some people really are a waste of oxygen... I am speechless and livid at some of these comments particularly those re. Teachers/schools! ...There used to be times when I wondered if I did the right thing deciding never to send my DC with severe learning difficulties to school, but life is hard enough without people who should know better behaving like that Ffs!!!

“Of course we all know autism and adhd is all down to parenting” said to me by a man training to work with children with SN, he knew my DS2 had autism. I’ve never spoke to him since, and that was 7ish years ago.

There are children with more problems then yours (when we were asking for additional support for ds2). Undoubtedly this is true but as at the time ds2 was spending most of us time at school trying to jump out of a first floor window it did not go down very well.

I don't think it's meant to hurt, I think some people will go back home and kick themselves. Others just don't have that filter. My son is stared at all the time, especially by children. He's a man now and, funnily enough, his whole life I, purposely, didn't look at peoples faces as I went by, now I just stare back - but I don't think it's malicious, I think it's almost programmed in people to work out what's different.

Luckily (though really it's unluckily) my son has the mind of an 18 month, he doesn't even know what staring is.

Having something said to you though, is the most painful of all. I do bat it off as lack of awareness. I've smiled and nodded, just like you did, many a time. I've corrected at times and once, I had a stand up, shouting row on a woman - but she was vile.

As I say, my son doesn't understand. Now if you have a child that does, and it hurts their feelings, that's a whole different ball game.