To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

@mumasastudent and @zzzzz - fair enough. But i’d use person-first language as default, and change if the person wanted to be referred to differently.

zzzzz cross posting! I think this is something many of us experience- grind your teeth & pity her ignorance - she is a bitch & I don't use that kind of language (hug to you)

My dd had sn...no one had said anything upsetting to me. Her school and teachers are brilliant with her...the other children are friends with her. The other mums however exclude her from everything...playdates, parties etc....I won't tell you what I think of them...I'm sure you can all guess.

*Child with SEN - not SEN child
Parent of a child with SEN - not SEN parent
Child with autism - not Autistic child

Make your language inclusive and person-centric*

People-first language vs Identity-first language
www.bustle.com/p/what-is-identity-first-language-should-you-use-it-74901

A stranger in tescos once helpfully recommended a plastic surgeon for my toddler.

The paediatric consultant that told me my non-verbal almost 4 year old ds might have mild autism!!! Ffs! She also said he'd talk when he started school and then discharged us. She knew less than nothing and I believe still works in paediatrics. Awful woman!

He's 23 now and still non-verbal. His psychiatrist when he was 12 said he presented as one of the most challenging and complex children she had ever met. She didn't mean this in a 'bad' way, more as an acknowledgement of how hard things were for him.

If only people getting bent out of shape over the most currently acceptable way to describe our children was the worst we have to deal with. I’m just happy things have moved on from retard and spaz. (For the most part)

I hate it when family members tell me how much 'better' my daughter is getting. There was never anything wrong with her - we just didn't understand how to meet her needs. As she gets older, she doesn't get 'better', we all just learn ways of helping to keep her environment as low stress as possible. She's the same, perfect person she ever was. I hate the implication that there was something wrong with her that needed fixing.

"Someone needs a good smacking that'll shut it up"

wornoutboots you should have said, "Yes you do, don't you, you ignorant twat."

I’m just happy things have moved on from retard and spaz. (For the most part)

Oh yes and I remember the time when schools referred to children as ESN rather than SEN.- Educationally Sub-Normal.

When my son was in mainstream reception his teacher told me at parents evening a list of things she couldn't do with the class because my son ( asd and sld) was in it.

MozzieMagnet - interesting blog, thanks.

Some interfering old cow in the supermarket on seeing my little boy stimming

‘It’s such a shame because he’s so handsome too’

To which I replied why is it a shame my child is handsome?
And got ‘because people will think he’s normal when he’s not’

Going be honest couldn’t think of anything dignified or educational to say as I was so gobsmacked so just said ‘fuck off’ to which I was told ‘now I know where he gets it from’

I also hate parents evening and sitting for 20 minutes hearing about all the boxes my child doesn’t tick rather than all the things he’s managed to achieve over the year.

"Its such a shame he's slow" said by another mum. I took great delight in pointing out he was in top maths set.

His year five teacher accepted he had dyspraxia and was on the waiting list for an asd assessment (was subsequently diagnosed) but refused to believe it affected him in any way. Called me a bad parent for telling him what diagnosis he had as apparently kids need to think that they are the same as everyone else and if they are struggling it means they will try harder. She also thought it was hilarious that he'd had a massive meltdown because he has misunderstood something. Her colleague decided DS issues were all my fault and sent my kids home with a laminated routine for after school. Because that's well known to cure autism. That year was the most stressful year of my life.

Oh I was also given a long list of the things he couldn't do which unsurprisingly I knew about because he had already had a statement for a year and all that was in it.

«He’s just a bit clumsy. All kids are afen’t They»

About my dyspraxic son

A close relative of mine said about my son who has hfa ‘at least he’s not retarded’ to which I must have given a look so they modified it to ‘I mean he’s bright, he’s not backward’

The other mums however exclude her from everything...playdates, parties etc

Sometimes this can be fear based, not a fear of the diagnosis/illness/condition, but a fear of screwing up and causing a whole load of distress. I still have the occasional cold sweat remembering the first visit one of DS's friends made to our house, he is autistic (his description) and having put in about 50 hours with DS/school/friend's mum to integrate this boy into DS's friendship group I really didn't want to mess up (I shudder to think how many hours his mum put in). It worked out for everyone and was worth every minute, but it wasn't easy.

OTOH, sometimes it's ignorance and discrimination!

@eelbecomingfor you

you said this:

Child with SEN - not SEN child
Parent of a child with SEN - not SEN parent
Child with autism - not Autistic child

Make your language inclusive and person-centric.

__

I don't think everyone wants to speak like that.

I don't really see any problem saying eg "a SEN parent", it certainly is a lot more succinct than "parent of a child with SEN" or what is probably even more PC:

"parent of a child living with SEN"

I don't understand why we're not supposed to say "She's got xyz" anymore, but " She is living with xyz" instead. To me that sounds as if it's their partner rather than illness, condition or whatever

"Person living with [insert condition, disbaility etc] ..." is just the 'in thing' at the moment. Again, I doubt everyone would really like to say it like that, but just be straightforward and say that they've "got" something, or "have", or are [...]ic e.g. asthmatic, diabetic etc

Basically, it should be up to the individual really. I would feel ridiculous saying "I am living with [condition]" and prefer "I've got [condition]".

I admit I do only have medical conditions, not a disability.

My Gran had dementia, and it would feel horrible to say "she was living with dementia" which I have been told is the correct thing to say. It would sound like she chose it, which nobody ever, ever would with that particular disease.

Really don;t mean to offend or upset anyone, please accept my sincere apologies if I have done.

On being challenged as to why the class staff had left my doubly incontinent child to sit in a soiled nappy all day - “is it even medical?”

No, I fucking love changing shitty nappies all day, so didn’t bother toilet training this one.

I teach children with SEND and a colleague of mine was moaning in the staffroom about having to teach the “thick children” herself because her TA wasn’t in to desl with them during inclusion in a mainstream lesson. I pointed out my kids were among the most able in the class with proper resources and communication methods and it was her job to meet the needs of ALL students in her class. She didn’t care. I had a word with her line manager. She is no longer teaching at the school (not directly because of this but it was a big factor).

Teachers not being ambitious and resourceful for children that need things presenting differently to enable them to make progress is a massive bugbear of mine.