to ask you what it was like when you first held your baby?

[Tamiah]

Sorry, this is my second post tonight! I just joined MN (though have had the app for a long time!) and have had two questions floating around my head that I wanted to ask, so here goes number two...

I was having a discussion today with a colleague, who was trying to describe to me what it was like when she first held her baby. I have struggled to bond with my son/daughter as we have had a few bumps along the way and I've felt a bit detached at certain points in my pregnancy. Hearing her today telling me about the wave of emotions she felt, including the live she never knew she had in her, for a tiny baby that she created really helped me to feel more positive about giving birth.

WIBU to ask you to describe (or try to!) what you felt when you saw your baby for the first time?

I can imagine it's such a hard thing to describe - sorry if I've asked for the impossible!

I felt nothing. I've had more joy receiving a pizza delivery.

Relieved he was alive and how gorgeous he was.
Mostly glad we were both alive though. It was a bit touch and go. No rush of love, I think all my adrenaline was long used up by that point.

With DD I was so exhausted I felt very little except the overwhelming urge to sleep. Labour really took it out of me.

DS was a pitifully short labour and I felt an instant rush of love, it was a bit of a sneeze birth!

Despite me adoring them both to this day I feel guilty that I didn't feel that love for my little girl

When dh said we had a girl my first response .... ok we can do it again and have a boy...

I was in surgery and completely numb from the chest down....

When they put her on me though I just cried she looked like the most beautiful wrinkly alien and I loved her more than anything I can describe.

Ive had 3.
The best feeling in the world when all the pain has stopped and they plonk your warm, slimy baby on you.
The weight of them always surprised me.
I just wanted to hold them forever, right from the get go. I get a huge urge to just smell them and touch their little fingers and stroke their faces.
All my labours were horrible too. First I had PPH and extremely painful inductions with the others.

I can't remember that exact moment for any of mine. My brain doesn't put much to memory at times of great stress or emotion, and of course the exhaustion would have affected my brain function. I also can't remember the moment my grandmother died even though I was sitting with her, and I have only small snippet memories of getting married.

First: my baby!!!! Lots of tears m
Second: felt very mammal just checking him for abnormalities and didn’t cry.

With my first it was an immediate ‘oh THATS what you look like, of course!’

Also that his warmth was exactly the same as mine. Like he was part of me. Like I’d given birth to my own limb or something.

Then I was scared I would drop him so he went to his dad

‘Oh shit I’m supposed to feel love and amazement and how beautiful they are.. but omg this baby is so ugly’ The love def came a few days later.

I didn't get that instant rush of love with either of my two, more of a "wow you're here!" and I gradually fell head over heels in love over the coming weeks

Pregnant with dc3 now and would very much like to experience that "rush" that people have

My first baby I felt as if I had suddenly discovered what the meaning of life and everything was. I felt like a million dollars and had an urge to write poetry. My second was nothing really, I was feeling angry with dp and the midwife and couldn't take it all in. My third nearly died and it was just a relief to hold her and never let go after a traumatic time. 25+ years later I still got emotional thinking about those times.

With my first it was ‘oh my god you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!’ And this overwhelming feeling of love and protection for this little creature.

With my second I was expecting the same feeling but if I’m honest it was a shock that he was so ugly and squashed and angry looking. I didn’t feel the overwhelming love until a few days later.

DS1 was a few hours old when his pram was pushed to me in HDU. He was whisked off pronto to NICU, I was just about with it enough to hear some reference to him being a him as he was carried past me. It had been a very long, exhausting weekend. I was worrying for someone I'd never met and barely glimpsed. I sent DH off down to him because I didn't want baby to be alone, and ended up exhausted and on my own in revovery. It was a relief to meet him and hold him. Still more worry because he was struggling to feed (my exhausted body was barely producing colostrum) and his blood sugars were low so he needed regular heel prick tests.

DS2 was a euphoric relief to hold my fresh, messy baby while still in theatre. I felt healed of so much of the pain around DS1's birth. I'd been wheeled in for another EMCS, but ended up with forceps as he'd passed the point of no return and having evicted a baby from my nether regions, I felt like I'd finally finished the job I'd come so close to doing after so much effort the first time. To give him his first hearty feed in recovery was amazing. The euphoria lasted through the first day. Exhaustion kicked in 36 hours later when we got home.

For both, there was immeditiate protective instinct.
When they first smile at you, that feels like the start of a requited love.

I got the rush of love, complete elation. I'd not expected it at all.

On seeing DS2, he looked just like DS1's passport photo. DS1 never looked like that photo

With DS (PFB) I didn't even mind that the first thing he did was start crying before shitting all over my naked body. It wasn't exactly a rush of love, more just me feeling like 'you're here now, and I've always loved you.' There was no great wave, just a kind of... acceptance? If that makes sense. It just felt right. I will admit that when the midwives plonked him straight onto my chest immediately I did let out a little involuntary yelp of 'my BAYBEEE, my BAYYYYBEEEE' however.

I felt the most overwhelmed with emotion with my fourth , thought I was losing him halfway through the pregnancy so the relief that he was here was immense. OH was the most emotional he had been before too , we knew it was the last time we would ever have this moment as well due to my age. It was the most wonderful heartfelt moment we had ever had and we still well up about now. Also I was looking forward to a lovely large alcoholic drink

I don't remember feeling anything much. Relief I suppose. I had laboured through the nighy and towards the end was falling asleep between contractions so was very tired. Ds was briefly placed on my chest so the cord could be cut and then was taken to be resuscitated so for that moment I think I was in shock and didn't feel anything. Then I was asking where he was and if he was OK. Then when he came back I held him again but I still don't remember feeling a massive rush of love or anything. I think I was just happy he was back and was OK. And just a kind of love that was already there, I loved him before he was born. I don't know. I don't remember feeling anything much until the following morning. Ds was 24hrs old and had been taken to the NICU during the night. At about 7am we were up there and I saw him in his incubator for the first time and I cried and cried.

With both of mine, I have just had an odd sense of being completely comforted by them being placed onto me. I think it’s the relief that they’ve made it out safely.

I felt nothing to be honest. Although she was planned I remember thinking. "Shit "Okay this tiny little thing is mine. I can hardly look after myself let alone a baby."
However never mind the sun. The moon stars and galaxies shine out of her arse now.
Motherhood does still sometimes feel surreal. though

When the midwife handed her to me, I actually thought "what are you doing giving the baby to me, I know nothing about babies, I'm sure I can't be trusted not to drop it!!" .... but I didn't drop her and just learnt day by day.

I have to say though, the relief I felt when I heard her crying (after fruitlessly asking "is she okay? is she okay?" over and over for what felt like forever) was the most primal, overwhelming emotion I've ever experienced and I HOWLED like a baby. So I suppose that was a rush of something. The only other time that came close was the 14 week scan when I was convinced I'd had another missed miscarriage and the sonographer said "there's the heartbeat". Ahh, I can't wait to be pregnant again!

Gosh I was young and was actually a little disgusted, the pain I was in, the long Labour it took, the episiotomy and then this wriggly, slippery, blood covered baby was plonked on my stomach! I didn't feel anything. Dp was besotted, I was more like "what the hell has just happened". My love for Ds grew with time. It was very hard in the beginning so what more can I say. He's almost 7 now, I love him loads

ds was born by emcs under ga after a very long induced labour. he went straight into an incubator and I only got to hold him very briefly the day after he was born before he was put back into the incubator and I was taken back to my room (i couldn't walk/stand due to multiple attempts at epidurals that failed). The second day he was brought to my room and it just felt surreal. I couldn't get out my head this could have been any baby as I didn't feel anything.

I was drugged up to the eyeballs and went through the motions but felt nothing which terrified me more than the physical trauma of the birth especially as I had felt the "rush of love" when my niece was born and I held her for the first time, so I knew I was capable of it. It took a good 2-3 months after getting home to start to feel human again and start to feel a bond growing.