to ask you what it was like when you first held your baby?

[Tamiah]

Sorry, this is my second post tonight! I just joined MN (though have had the app for a long time!) and have had two questions floating around my head that I wanted to ask, so here goes number two...

I was having a discussion today with a colleague, who was trying to describe to me what it was like when she first held her baby. I have struggled to bond with my son/daughter as we have had a few bumps along the way and I've felt a bit detached at certain points in my pregnancy. Hearing her today telling me about the wave of emotions she felt, including the live she never knew she had in her, for a tiny baby that she created really helped me to feel more positive about giving birth.

WIBU to ask you to describe (or try to!) what you felt when you saw your baby for the first time?

I can imagine it's such a hard thing to describe - sorry if I've asked for the impossible!

I feel a bit guilty saying this as it was only 13 days ago but I can't really remember

I'd had a 56 hour labour followed by an EMCS and tbh, the combination of exhaustion, shock, blood loss and drugs meant I was a bit out of it!

Once I'd been stitched up and taken into recovery I got to hold him properly I was (& still am) more amazed that he was mine than anything else

I love him more than anything or anyone in the world but it wasn't an immediate rush, it's developed in the time since he was born

@LisaSimpsonsbff thank you! My mum is Queen of all things spiritual and earthly (yes I know, yawn!) and will likely end up taking all booby photos. This is good advice!

@polkadotpixie congratulations

I did have an overwhelming rush of emotion and outpouring of love and felt amazed that something so perfect came from me.

I made a conscious effort during pregnancy to bond to the best of my ability, talking to her and rubbing my belly a lot, especially if she was moving around. I have a history of MH problems so was worried if I didn't make that effort that we might not bond properly after I have birth.

Midwife plopped baby immediately onto my chest after water birth. Still in pool. I started shaking uncontrollably and kept saying "It's a person, we made a person!" to DH. Baby was totally calm, didn't cry, gazed up at me in a totally chilled "I'm here, ready when you are" sort of way. He seemed to know what to do more than I did!

I liked him a lot but went on autopilot for the first few weeks. Love came a good few weeks in.

My first thought was 'oh my god he feels so soft!' But I was more concerned about them stitching me back up than anything else to be honest!

I felt nothing and then felt terrible because I had been told about a rush of love and joy. I was pleased and proud Id done it but I didn’t feel any connection really to dd. I then went on the have a hideous time breastfeeding so while I loved dd fiercely I didn’t start to like her until 6 months plus and didn’t start to enjoy her until 12 months plus.

@Lisasimpsonsbff I do cherish the pictures of me taken immediately after DC1's birth. I do look tired, but I am flaming with the inner light of the religious fanatic and look just as euphoric as I felt. It was a pretty amazing feeling.

I came down to earth with a rather sharp bump when I discovered how little he slept and how shitty postnatal ward was.

It felt like 'ah yes that's who you are. I've known you forever'.

I'd be lying if I said I felt pure love straight away, any of the three times I've been lucky enough to give birth.

It was more strong and overwhelming feelings of protection, being fiercely proud and in awe of how beautiful they were. Then the love grew as the days and weeks passed and we got to know each other properly.

Didn’t feel a thing for number one. Like are you mine. Omg how did that happen. Love happened about 6/7 months. Midwife told me normal. Second baby love straight away. Then very sick in neonatal and I totally detached myself to cope. She nearly died. She was two before I could allow myself to love her as I was scared she would be taken away from me. So there is no norm. I love both my kids enormously and they are 12&8. Neither is aware it took a time to grow.

Chuffed to bits. On a total high. I’ve never seen anything so perfectly perfect, or done anything so thrilling. It’s 12 years later and that feelings never got old.

@Tamiah, I'm a single mum and my mum was my birth partner. I think the anaesthetist's assistant took the photos (on Mum's phone) and I'm very glad I have them. I have photos of DD being born, which some people find a bit much, but I find them fascinating!

Congratulations @polkadotpixie! I was a bit out of it too during my EMCS, so I know what you mean.

@Cattenberg I've bought a mirror so I can have a look 'down there'. When I say I want photos of everything, I mean everything! Of course I will be the only person on the planet allowed to look at them

Knackered. I'd been awake for 27 hours and just wanted to sleep! I remember looking down right away as she didn't cry immediately, saw her arms and legs move, thought "she's ok, good" then she was being put on me and rubbed with a towel by midwife.

I loved her obviously, but the whole rush thing I don't think happened. She then went to NICU after a day of hardly feeding and just sleeping as she picked up an infection. I got very emotional seeing her in an incubator cot, I knew it was mainly for oxygen and to warm her up a bit and there wasn't anything seriously the matter, but nearly went to pieces. The sheer exhaustion of no proper sleep for weeks on end got in the way of the happiness I think. As sleep got better and we came out of the fog, I started to connect. I'd have moments of just looking at her, or her looking at me and it was like a little love bomb going off in me if that makes sense!!

And these have just continued, as I get to know her for her, not just 'baby I made', again if that makes sense!

Whilst trying to get my near death panic when my sister announced "I thought she was xxxxs, she's black...." as I was stood bent over the bed and had not yet seen my daughter who was still attached.... that frantic "omg I must have been sexually assaulted one night etc etc...." to discover when she was laid in front of me and the MW gently pointed out she was GREY because she was overdue and would be fine after a bath.....

I then felt that wave whereby thought my heart would burst with love.....

I didn't feel anything either but realised this was normal so didn't worry ,was just disappointed .I got on with looking after her and didn't find caring for her difficult but it took a while to love her.What I most remember is feeling knackered .

I did feel a rush of love with mine but also a rush of anxiety which coloured my first few months with them. The love I felt was so all consuming I couldn't rest or bear to be apart from them for a few minutes. It wasn't a very heathy feeling and it wasn't always very positive.

Absolutely pure love like nothing else in the world mixed with the shock of having a baby! I just couldn't believe she was finally here and I was just absolutely amazed. It was the absolute best moment of my life, pure joy, relief and disbelief all in one!

I didn't feel a rush of love but I just suddenly felt comfortable and like everhthing was right.

With my first I felt that incredible rush of love, and a weird shock that he was so gorgeous. I think I’d expected to give birth to a gremlin or something.

With number two, I just felt relief and exhaustion, after having a stressful pregnancy due to gestational diabetes, and a number of scans that indicated his midsection measurement was below the second centile (it wasn’t).

Ds1 was pure magic. It was like everything in my life was perfect.
Dd nothing. I was later diagnosed with pnd and the bond came just a bit later.
Ds2 relief he wasn't a girl (I felt so guilty about how I felt after dd ide convinced myself if I had another girl i wouldn't get the bond straight away) then I wouldn't say there was a rush of love the same as there was with ds1 but again that came in time.

I just looked at her and felt confused, thinking who are you? Are you reallly my baby?

It was relief, excitement but mainly I looked at him and remember thinking "Oh, of course that's what you look like!" as though I recognised him. He looked a lot like OH.

And he coughed and then cried and hearing his voice was what made me emotional, because he had a lovely husky little cry.

Massively, massively relieved she was alive (difficult birth) but otherwise not a lot really. No rush of love. She's 8 months now and it's still growing day by day. I think expecting that rush of love and not getting it contributed to my PND. I wish now I'd been kinder to myself about it.