to ask you what it was like when you first held your baby?

[Tamiah]

Sorry, this is my second post tonight! I just joined MN (though have had the app for a long time!) and have had two questions floating around my head that I wanted to ask, so here goes number two...

I was having a discussion today with a colleague, who was trying to describe to me what it was like when she first held her baby. I have struggled to bond with my son/daughter as we have had a few bumps along the way and I've felt a bit detached at certain points in my pregnancy. Hearing her today telling me about the wave of emotions she felt, including the live she never knew she had in her, for a tiny baby that she created really helped me to feel more positive about giving birth.

WIBU to ask you to describe (or try to!) what you felt when you saw your baby for the first time?

I can imagine it's such a hard thing to describe - sorry if I've asked for the impossible!

With my first, nothing.

With my second, absolute bliss. All the fear, doubt, stress just evaporated and my world shrank to her and me. Nothing else mattered.

Both were emergency sections.

Oddly enough I felt I had really bonded with my first in pregnancy and because of what happened with my second, made a conscious effort not to.

When he was born I was so afraid. The cord was twice around his neck and too short so they had to cut it while he was still inside me and pull him out with forceps as he wasn’t breathing.
They took him to one side for oxygen while they were stitching me up and I’ve never known fear like the fear I had for him.
I feel like my heart didn’t beat until they said he was ok and put him on my chest.

They forgot to even tell us he was a boy, so I didn’t know that, I just looked down and was so overwhelmed by the fact that he was there and he was ok and he was mine. I felt like my heart started beating again but this time it was outside my chest and it was in him.

I was struck by the overwhelming realisation that I would never control my own personal happiness again, because if he wasn’t happy then I couldn’t be. And as he fed I genuinely thought I could feel love flowing straight out of me and into him.

At that point they realised I was having a massive haemorrhage and haematoma and I had to leave him with my husband while I was rushed into emergency surgery... so I’m not sure how many of those feelings were euphoria based on the fact I’d lost several litres of blood and could have easily died. I still cry when I think about those first few moments and how we nearly lost him and he’s nearly 10 months old now.

With my first I felt totally overwhelmed by the sheer power of love I felt, it was like being hit by a train, it was bloody exhausting.
For my second, I was like, ok, right, let get cleaned and tucked in bed together and we'll discuss this tomorrow. Then attachement happened gradually. Much, much better for me.

Dc1 - amazing. I was amazed. So much love.
Dc2 - I just wanted a shower and she looked gunky so I asked them to clean her up!
Dc3 - I thought she was beautiful and perfect and was so surprised at this. Total love.

Dc1 and 3 were awful births so some of that was relief I think?
Dc2 was quick. I think I was in shock.

When DC1 was born I didn't get that rush of love till she had her first jabs at 2 months. I loved her straight away but just didn't get the whole rush of love thing. DC2 - my waters broke at 32 weeks though he was born at 36 weeks. I had the rush of love with him when I saw him on the 20 week scan. I had EMCS with both.

I remember feeling awkward and saying "oh! Its moving!" And the MW looking at me strangely saying yes..they do that. I had never even held a baby before and i remembered being a bit shocked as i had focused so much on the pregnancy and birth bit i had kind of almost kind of disregarded what would happen next. I remember looking at DS and DH and thinking what the hell am i supposed to do now. But we all got there like everybody does

I remember thinking thank God he's breathing,then I just wanted him off me.Id had a traumatic birth which resulted in pnd

I was really shocked she was a girl because I'd had everything Old Wives tale sign it was a boy. I didn't feel connected until 36 hours later when I got her out of NICU and had her to myself.

Terrifying. In a kinda ‘oh shit, now what do I do’ sort of way. It took a while for the rush of love thing to come if I’m honest. I trudged my way through the first 3 months, going through the motions in a daze. I was scared and resentful. I was quite young, didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was 5 months and had been quite the party animal up until that point so it was a massive lifestyle change (not that it isn’t for others either btw).

I think this is a great thread by the way, not because it’s a taboo subject but I don’t think I’ve ever felt comfortable about admitting how I felt when they put my DD in my arms. There seemed to be this expectation on how you’re SUPPOSED to feel but from PP, that’s not at all how it is for a lot of women.

When I first held my eldest, she felt familiar, as if I had known her forever.

With my second, I thought "who the hell are you?"

I think it's unfair to push this expectation of an immediate "wave" or "rush" of love on new mums.

It would be incredibly disappointing and even concerning if you didn't feel it. I didn't.

I'm so glad I started this thread for this exact reason. If I feel this way when my DC is born it'll be thanks to you lot that I know it's normal and have hope that it'll come with time! That is ridiculously soppy I know but I am far, far less worried now. Thanks for your honesty.

The only one I can remember is dc3. Someone handed him to me and I can remember thinking 'oh, just lob it in the cot and I'll have a look later'. He didn't hang around arriving and I was a bit overwhelmed with the speed of it all. Wanted my cuppa and toast

I initially felt relief. Relief that it didn’t hurt any more and relief that I could finally stop worrying that she was going to be ok. I’d delivered a baby and she was alive was basically what I felt. And then after a few hours it was just indescribable. I don’t think I have the words really. I didn’t cry or sob or anything, but the best way I can describe it is just being totally overwhelmed like I’ve never felt before. The love for her, my husband, the relief, that feeling like you’ve known them forever but you’ve only just met. I wish there was a word for it but it’s just too huge. It wasn’t immediate though and don’t get me wrong I still have days where I want a refund 😂😂

I kind of felt a bit numb and detached (emcs after a failed 3 day induction) but I did think ‘oh it’s you!’ Like I’d been expecting to see him my whole life. Definitely didn’t feel the rush of love that people talk about, more a sense of familiarity. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy OP :)

Just total relief that labour was over!

WhoWants2Know That is exactly the same as my experience. First was this wonderful, familiar rush of love. Second could have been anyone's baby. I even remarked to the midwife about how "funny looking" he was. Bonded with them same in the end, though.

I definitely didn't have that rush of love. I'd been up for about 40hrs, 15hrs of Labour and a very difficult delivery. I had an thank god he's out moment. Then the team tried getting him to breast feed for an hour with no success. I had a retained placenta and then was taken to theatre for a further 4 hrs so there was no immediate bond.

I can't remember 😂

He's now 2, though, and every morning I get a cuddle that starts my day right. He makes me so happy all the time.

With the first, I was all over the place after a long labour and emergency cs.

With the second, mildly traumatised and shocked (v fast labour).

With the third, completely off my head on G&A.

The love grew, with all of them, but I never had the overwhelming feeling some people describe when they were born.

Best wishes, Tamiah. The insta-rush of love is largely mythic for many, so don’t beat yourself up if your first sensations are more ‘That wasn’t much fun’ or ‘Eww, slimy.’ I found the first months ghastly, but I’m a besotted mother to a six year old. Just don’t panic about any of it.

I'd been in labour 70+ hours and hadn't eaten or slept for that entire time so my first reaction was to think 'oh hello baby, thank CHRIST you're finally here... Now can I give you to someone else to hold please, so I can have a sandwich. And a nap. And a shower'. The rush of love came during the night when it was just me and him and I fed him back to sleep and he just looked so happy and content in my arms, and it floored me.

Number 1: "Hmm. So that's it. Weird." Next morning. "Weird. I've got a baby. Very... odd. What am I supposed to do with it?"

Number 2: "Please don't make me touch him when he's covered with icky stuff." Felt guilty about that after as he became very ill and I didn't get to hold him again for days.

Bonding took ages with both.

Thanks @Leland - my whole pregnancy has been so traumatic. I've had a lot of miscarriages, one fairly late, and am so excited to finally be nearing the finish line. I'm just really scared I won't bond with my baby. This thread definitely makes me realise it's okay to feel like that

I was proud, relieved and high on drugs.

Don't remember feeling overcome with love and a few hours later when he started crying in the night for a feed I felt an overwhelming sense of regret

My first child was an unexpected pregnancy and I was petrified of being a mum I felt nothing but being scared about what a terrible mother I was going to be. Then when they gave me her and They laid her on my bare chest I literally could not believe that me and my dp had made such a little miracle it was like it became real and I was so excited and scared but in a good way and I had a euphoric feeling.

My second child very much planned and tried hard to conceive and ha a traumatic birth I felt nothing literally nothing and was so worried about it but I honestly just wanted to sleep and see my other daughter

It all equalled out and was fine but I still feel bad that I had that one rush of love for one and not the other - I’m sure it’s a hormone thing or something!