to ask you what it was like when you first held your baby?

[Tamiah]

Sorry, this is my second post tonight! I just joined MN (though have had the app for a long time!) and have had two questions floating around my head that I wanted to ask, so here goes number two...

I was having a discussion today with a colleague, who was trying to describe to me what it was like when she first held her baby. I have struggled to bond with my son/daughter as we have had a few bumps along the way and I've felt a bit detached at certain points in my pregnancy. Hearing her today telling me about the wave of emotions she felt, including the live she never knew she had in her, for a tiny baby that she created really helped me to feel more positive about giving birth.

WIBU to ask you to describe (or try to!) what you felt when you saw your baby for the first time?

I can imagine it's such a hard thing to describe - sorry if I've asked for the impossible!

Pure relief and disbelief . I didn't have the greatest pregnancy (complicated by my long term health condition and being hospitalised for a chest infection). I then had pre eclampsia, failed induction and emcs and part of me was convinced he wouldn't survive. I just couldn't believe I was holding this perfect, healthy baby. He felt like mine but the wave of love came quite a bit later.

a comfortable feeling of ‘oh there you are’.

This comes really close to how it was for me. No 'rush', it just felt right somehow.

They put her on my chest and she was rooting about and I remember thinking it was like a little hedgehog sniffing through leaves (totally random!).

And then everyone round me was fussing about cleaning this black shit (literally) off me that I hadn't even noticed happening, and couldn't really understand why they thought I would care.

I had 2 planned sections and I didn't hold either of them until we were in recovery, I didn't want to because I felt too vulnerable and like I couldn't hold or look at them properly. I was really worried with my 1st about bonding with her, I felt a bit detached from my bump and couldn't really imagine it being a person or a baby in there. I'm not a fan of pregnancy and it just felt like an it, I didn't want it to be hurt or for anything bad to happen to it but I didn't love it. Then I held her and looked at her and It was just an 'Oh...' feeling like she'd always been there and I'd always loved her. Not a wave or anything, just a really nice feeling that I knew her and I was her mum who would die for her. I am quite certain that had I had a vaginal birth it wouldn't have been the same, I would have been too anxious about everything else that was going on and would have been unlikely to have been able to calmly hold her and just have a good look for a while.

@CigarsofthePharoahs 39 hours!! You're an absolute trooper (not that you had a choice) but still. Hats off!

DD1, (long traumatic labour) stupidly surprised that she was warm when they put her on my chest. She was all slimy so I expected her to be cold. Reader, humans, even new ones you've just made, are warm. She looked just like DB so my first post birth words were "fucking hell, I've given birth to my brother!" No rush of love but deffo a rush of guilt at lack of rush of love. No idea until this thread that it was normal. 14.5 years wasted on guilt
DD2 (elective CS) still no immediate rush of love, but much calmer and I did think she was very cute.

Didn't really feel anything, certainly no rush of love. My first though might also have been I don't want him which I haven't said to anyone. My DH said I looked like I wanted to jump out the window.

Once the shock had worn off i did feel love for him but it wasn't the hollywood how amazing kind. I didn't have PND it was just all very overwhelming

My love rush has always come about 5-6 days in, and I think because we've had a number of miscarriages, I've not really 'bonded' with my baby during pregnancy as some women seem to do. But as soon as they are born - including my natural births and my c section - I've always felt sheer amazement and a desperate desire to hold them. If it is possible, it's lovely for bonding and breastfeeding to try for skin on skin immediately - even though they are all covered in goo. It's harder if you're in a hospital gown after section or epidural, but I told my DH in advance so as soon as the baby was arriving he untied the neck of the gown and loosened it down (did make me very tangled with the cannula and the umbilical cord, but we got sorted in the end and was quite funny as well as totally worth it! )
Like others have said, it's different every time, so if you don't have your dream birth, all is not lost. It's not just a moment, from the moment your baby arrives you'll be a mother, and you'll have so many moments to come. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Don't panic if you don't get the rush of love straight away. With DS1 I had a very long painful back labour so I really just felt relief it was over, DS was then rushed off to the SCBU. I was hit quit unexpectedly by the rush of love a few weeks later when DH was back to work and all the visitors had gone home so it was just me and him. I'll never forget that moment, it was wonderful, until that moment I was a bit zoned out and probably in shock still.

DS2 I had a vbac and he was delivered straight onto my chest, I did get the rush straight away then.

Call me weird but I didn't really bond fully with either child while I was still pregnant, for example I felt odd reading to my bumps. I loved the movements and seeing them on the scans but it's nothing compared to the love I feel for them both now.

Good luck OP and congratulations!

I was absolutely shell shocked. My husband was crying. I didn’t know how to process any of it. Then the baby was whisked to NICU and I was left alone in the room, hearing all the other babies. It was all a bit traumatic, but by day 3 when my milk came in I was fully into the waves of tears about how much I loved the baby!

The advice I was most grateful for before I had DS1 was from a friend who told me it was normal not to feel an overwhelming rush of love immediately. I had him unexpectedly at 35 weeks, and though it was a fairly straightforward delivery and he was fine, I was in shock and hadn’t finished the ante natal classes so felt very out of control during labour (I’m very organised/under control in day to day life!). I wasn’t worried though, and as PPs have said, the feeling came over the next few weeks/months, and now we’re very close. I now try to tell any friend who’s expecting their first, to pass on the favour!

I think it's pretty normal for first babies to be a delayed 'rush' - I was so anxious and overwhelmed that I couldn't process anything much at all. No experience prepares you for your first delivery I think. I remember that it was a couple of weeks later when we were at home & calm when I realized how besotted I was.

Second time round was very different. It was like I recognized him, like I'd known him forever! I'm delighted to find other posters had a similar feeling, it was really special.

Both times, I remember only realising when they let out their first cry that I'd been holding my breath waiting for confirmation that they were alive.

DC1 I didn’t feel much which was awful as she was a much wanted baby and the guilt was terrible. I quickly developed severe PND.
I never got over how things turned out- she’s 4 now and every day I put her to bed and silently beg her forgiveness that I couldn’t be a better mother when she was little.

DC2 I was overjoyed she arrived safely and burst into snot nosed tears holding her.

First time with each, nothing because I was so drugged up. Subsequent holds after drugs wore off, not a lot as I was so tired and there were people around and I was more concerned about the catheter and whatnot.

Once I got home with each baby and had each one to myself, undisturbed, I felt incrementally huge emotions. Most of them were hormonal rushes of love, I think, rather than my own feelings or thoughts. After the first few days of that passed, I began to love them with my heart and mind, to the point that I’d cry if I were separated from them for more than a few hours. They were so little and vulnerable and needed me (ff one, bf the other so nothing to do with that).

Now, I can happily not see them for a good couple of days at a time

I think I thought “Ohfuck, ohfuck, ohfuck, ohfuck!”. I was very hungry and uncomfortable and slightly freaking out. The love came later, and crept up on me.

you’ll have plenty of time to love your baby, Op. Don’t try to force it.

When DS was first put on my chest I was like 'fucking hell' but every time after that I was just...overwhelmed I suppose. But then fell very in love shortly afterwards, I think it was just the initial shock!

With DD who was born 6 weeks ago I was just so in love straight away.

Shock, like wtf just happened! Can't believe I just gave birth. Ouch my vagina hurts.

Not much really. Was glad it was all over. It took 6 months to kick in.

Honestly? Nothing at all.

I'd had a really bad labour and DS was delivered by forceps. I was just so tired and out of sorts.

I didn't feel a rush of love, or a bond or anything. I struggled with that for a while to be honest.

DS is 5 now and it grew over time for me. I'm not really a "natural" at parenting and didn't start to enjoy it until he could walk and talk.

I love the bones off him now!

I think it's unfair to push this expectation of an immediate "wave" or "rush" of love on new mums.

It would be incredibly disappointing and even concerning if you didn't feel it. I didn't.

I felt happier second time with my DS as it was an easier delivery but no wave of love. More of shock, relief, exhaustion, surprise, concern..

Hollywood is to blame.

I actually don't remember when I held DC1 for the first time! Bit of a rough birth, lots of drugs. So I can truthfully say I don't know. I know bonding took a while though.
With DC2 I remember being relieved as I knew I wouldn't be having a third!

Funny enough I was talking about this earlier. I didn't really feel a rush of love with either of my dc. I remember crying with guilt when we got home after having dc1 as I was happier to see my cat than I was to have just had a baby. Saying that I love the absolute bones of my dc now but at the time it was all a bit overwhelming due to a mixture of complicated pregnancies, births etc . Still love my little cat too.

Unbelievable relief that he was out and Labour was over then mostly shock that he was here and he was mine and he had been that size inside of me! I was thrilled and loved him but didn't have that instant rush of love- but it didn't worry me, I didn't even know him! As the days and weeks went by I fell more in love every day.

I didn’t feel much to be honest. I thought he looked pink and sticky and the midwife said I should give him a kiss... I thought but he’s all pink and sticky! I didn’t feel an overwhelming rush of love or attachment and I don’t know a lot of women who did. I felt very sure I needed to look after the baby but I can’t hand on heart say I loved him straight away. And that’s ok.

With my first baby, it was a total rush of love. I instantly felt I knew her and it was amazing. It was a natural birth and went how I wanted it to (mostly) so it felt very special and I felt safe and looked after.

With DS, it was an emergency section after a traumatic week and tbh when I finally saw him after they'd pulled him out (he was a low birth weight and they had concerns so took a while to get him back to us) I just felt...exhausted. I'd been awake for 20 hours, I was numbed from the drugs and it was all just so...out of my control. The love came later but those first few hours I just drifted in and out. It was very weird and not what I wanted although I'm obviously very grateful he was born safe and healthy.