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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
AsAProfessionalFekko · 19/09/2018 19:06

Yes! Wrong reason completely. Get a pet if you feel that you need company but only if you can commit to looking after it.

Why are you in a rut?

zzzzz · 19/09/2018 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icelollycraving · 19/09/2018 19:08

Have you got a partner? I suspect quite a lot of people want a baby to love and lavish attention on.
How would you manage if you are on your own? There are a lot of lone parents. It’s not an easy ride.
Most of us want to be loved. Flowers

LostInShoebiz · 19/09/2018 19:08

Totally wrong to have a baby for those reasons. If you’re feeling like this you need to address the underlying issues, not bring a child into the equation.

shapeshifter88 · 19/09/2018 19:08

totally wrong reason. maybe go to therepy..

HerRoyalFattyness · 19/09/2018 19:09

Yabu.
Im sorry, but you are. And i say that as someone who had a baby so that i had someone who loved me. (I was 16 and very foolish)
And while i wouldn't change him fir the world, i am entirely aware that my reasoning was flawed.
The responsibility for my happiness cannot be put onto a baby or a child. And that is exactly what having a baby for that reason is. You are making them responsible for your happiness.

Wendigowoman · 19/09/2018 19:09

They might not love you either. Therapy.

LaBellaCinderella · 19/09/2018 19:09

Terrible idea.

DDIJ · 19/09/2018 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Ruffian · 19/09/2018 19:12

Wendigo is right I'm afraid. You could find yourself creating an even lonelier and more difficult situation for yourself.

MsMotherOfDragons · 19/09/2018 19:13

YABU... when it comes to children there's a lot less of the adoring love, and more of the incessant demands, than you might realise in advance!

But parenthood is very fulfilling, if you feel in your bones that it's for you.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/09/2018 19:15

Yanbu. Why did the rest of you have kids?

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 19:16

I'm really sorry, and I say this as someone who totally identifies with your feelings, but yes, YABU.

A child will, at least at first need much more love given to it than you will be able to get back. At many times, being a parent is quite a thankless task and there are tough moments as well as wonderful ones. You cant expect a small child to fill the void in you. It's completely unfair and irresponsible...that new life deserves to have their own identity and their own space to be. Not to make mummy happy. You'd be setting that child up for a life of unhappiness.

You need to focus on healing yourself. Making yourself whole without being dependent on others. I've had a year of weekly counselling and its totally changed me. The pain isn't gone but my capacity to deal with it and ability to understand that I can make myself whole has grown exponentially. You can still have the family you so strongly want. Just sort yourself out first so that you are whole and emotionally healthy before you bring another life that will need support and unconditional love into the world.

Luglio · 19/09/2018 19:17

I think most children would rather have parents who have their shit together.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 19/09/2018 19:17

I just wanted to give you these Flowers

shapeshifter88 · 19/09/2018 19:17

because I was in a great place emotionally / mentally, with a secure relationship, home and job which allowed me to be in a position to feel i could offer a good upbringing and life experience to someone else

Ruffian · 19/09/2018 19:20

TakemedowntoPotatoCity I think a lot of people will be advising the op from their own experience..

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:22

Lots of replies, thank you.

AsAProfessionalFekko, if you think a cat gives you a sense of belonging, someone to spend Christmas with, go away with ... it doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately!

zzzz I do have friends but I am very low down their priority lists (understandably) right down after their own children, spouses or partners, parents, and siblings. I don’t see much of them now.

royal, it’s not about putting my happiness into a child but that I think a child would bring happiness into my life.

Sorry to hear that DD, that is a worry.

Shady I get what you’re saying but I want to give that love.

shape, I have a secure job and home and can offer a good upbringing in life, far more than many people to be honest.

I don’t think I ‘dont have my shit together’ But the brutal truth is I don’t have anyone to love or love me, that’s just a fact not intended self pity-ingly. And I don’t want to die that way.

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/09/2018 19:25

The up has never said she doesn't have her shit together. and speaking from my own experience, Ruffian, I felt lonely and incomplete without a child, and now I have one I don't. So there.

Rebecca36 · 19/09/2018 19:25

You are giving the wrong reason for having a baby but my heart goes out to you. I've heard other girls say the same.

Far better to meet someone nice, settle down and have a baby with him. If that doesn't happen (and it might), come back to us and we'll think of something else, suggestions only, not advice.

Look after yourself. x

Cornettoninja · 19/09/2018 19:25

I completely understand the need to create a family when you don’t have one. It’s wise advice to create a life your happy living in first though (unless age is an issue in which case the same advice applies but there is an added factor).

It’s very, very hard having a baby. I’m sure you could do it alone, many people do a wonderful job solo, but it’s not ideal. It’s worth considering and building a viable support network.

Ultimately though kids may love you deeply but they give precisely no shits about you at the same time. By the time they’re old enough to have developed some empathy and understanding they’ll probably be irritated by your exsistence Grin

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:26

I’m not really a girl unfortunately; I’m 37 Smile

OP posts:
Luglio · 19/09/2018 19:27

OP, you said your life is 'cold, empty and lonely '.

Please don't have a baby to fix that. You'll just end up condemning it to a cold, empty and lonely childhood.

HalfDivided · 19/09/2018 19:28

You don’t have anyone to love you: so who are you planning on having as the father of this baby?

I’m sure you know this deep down but no, it’s not a good enough reason to have a baby. A baby brought into this world to fill a void in its mother’s life is handicapped from the start. What an awful burden to place on someone who has no say in whether they’re brought into existence.

You need to get your life sorted out and do whatever it takes to have a well rounded life before you think about having a child just to fill an emotional need of your own.

Twotailed · 19/09/2018 19:28

Only on MN would deep loneliness and alienation be described as ‘a rut’ Hmm

OP, if you would love and care for and raise and support a child there is no reason not to have one. But it would be worth first trying to address the reasons for your loneliness, as otherwise you could be creating a burden for the child. Is it just circumstance? Or do you struggle to form and maintain relationships?

It is rare that the solution to feeling desperate and isolated and lonely is to place your happiness in another person, whoever they are. And a child could be very isolating - you won’t be in work, you will have fewer opportunities to socialise etc. A child isn’t a fix to a deeper problem, and if you can resolve the problem first you will be a happier parent.