Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:17

But you’re assuming I am like your mum Nags - ‘for people like her and you’ and I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
Thesexyskeleton · 19/09/2018 20:18

@wind

That wasn’t me asking, but I wholeheartedly agree!

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 20:18

Nagsnovalballs Flowers I'm so sorry, you deserved so much more.

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:18

Lifeisabeach

To solve a problem in your life, then?

How is that different?

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:20

TheSexy

Well yes, you've got me there

Perhaps I'm biased. In my line of work seen too many parents with unresolved emotional problems, wreaking that on their child.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:23

I do understand it’s a difficult one.

The problem is, it isn’t a problem that will be solved, so either I accept this is my lot in life which is depressing, or I have a child and possibly risk them being saddled with it too.

I like to think this wouldn’t happen but maybe it would, I just don’t know.

OP posts:
Rosered1235 · 19/09/2018 20:23

I don’t think you’ve explained your reasons for wanting a baby very well. It sounds as though you want the baby to meet your emotional needs. But I don’t think that’s really what you mean. I think you are lonely and crave a family of your own - someone to nurture and a purpose in life. Those are valid reasons for wanting a child. You’re also 37 so time is running out. Of course you’re not unreasonable to use a sperm donor and go it alone. If you can give a child a happy life then go for it.

Zofloramummy · 19/09/2018 20:24

Well I didn’t plan to be a lone parent from the early days. But at 35 my clock stopped ticking and started banging loudly. Shortly after dd’s first birthday I became a lone parent.
I have been ever since and she is now 7. Honestly I wouldn’t change a thing, I live away from family so I haven’t got local support. I don’t have a large network of friends.
I have DD and 3 cats, a messy house and not enough money. Being a lone parent is difficult. It’s also rewarding, funny, and the best decision I ever made to be a mum.

FabulousTomatoes · 19/09/2018 20:24

Op I hear you.

I think if you take on what people are saying here, ie that it is unhealthy to place too much burden on a child to fill your life, and really digest them and after know that you won’t do that, then you should look into options. Why should those who have ‘won’ the relationship lottery have more rights to a child than you? Sometimes I think that if I hadn’t met dh I wouldn’t have met anyone, and would have definitely considered the donor route for myself.

And fair play to you for not just settling for anyone and burdening the child with a toxic relationship. It sounds like you know who you are and what you want, and fair play to you for that Flowers

Firesuit · 19/09/2018 20:25

Does it matter? The OP doesn't have those prerequisites.

I wasn't trying to address OP's issue. Just pointing out that the person I quoted (and a number of others) are making no sense when they say they had a baby because of what they could give it. By giving a reason that isn't a reason, they are pretending not to have the "selfish" motivation that was their real reason. (In this context, the opposite of a "selfish" reason is an irrational one, "selfish" doesn't mean excessively prioritising one's own interest, but simply taking account of it at all.)

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 20:25

I think, that by unpacking your feelings with a counsellor prior to conceiving, you would greatly reduce, if not totally negate the possibility
of saddling a child with an unhappy future.

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/09/2018 20:26

NotAgainYoda, quite a bit different. It's wanting a child for her own reasons and not somebody else's, for one.
I don't see how being 'lonely' and 'unloved' is a problem but are more feelings we experience when something is missing.
OP, get a child, not a man. Far more reliable and fulfilling.;)

Thesexyskeleton · 19/09/2018 20:26

@NotAgainYoda

I imagine it’s difficult to not think of those experiences when asked something like this, and I know first hand that having a bad reason for having a baby can be damaging. I’m a half decent product of a crappy reason, and it’s not through any help of my parents!

However I don’t get the sense, that if her child is independent and doesn’t want to give hugs and kisses, the OP would go off the rails and set up a creepy shrine and blame them for her untimely death.

I think she sounds like she just wants to give the love she’s not giving elsewhere to a child, and, sure, have it love her back.
I don’t think it’s a bad reason as long as she’s smart enough to know that it doesn’t always work out like that, which she seems well aware of.

greenBalloondeflating · 19/09/2018 20:28

Tbh you can carry on as a single person how you are

Or change your life for you

Have a child and carry on as you are

Or change your life for them

I wouldn't predict the future, I'd take responsibility for it and choose what you want

shapeshifter88 · 19/09/2018 20:29

@firesuit i think life is great, I'm so glad to have been born and to have been brought up in a loving happy family, to have experienced all I have, to travel and help others etc etc etc so it's an opportunity to pass on that chance to a child to be born and live. I think if i hated my life or was unhappy,I'm not sure why I would want a baby to also experience that . that's my personal reasons for having one.

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:30

Thesexy

I just think it's a bit rude to doubt someone's stated reason for having a child.

The OP has stated hers and I believe her and think it's a bad idea.

Whereas you have said that other people are lying about their reasons.

Any way. This is unresolvable here by me so I'm off now

Life'sabeach

Equally bad reasons, IMO

Nagsnovalballs · 19/09/2018 20:31

I didn’t mean you are like my mum in personality but in your reasons for wanting a child.

A Lonely mother (who is kind, generous, loving, warm, brilliant, gentle, cuddly, fun, hilarious + insert your positive traits here) a lonely mum means a worried child, unless you raise a child devoid of empathy.

My mum was many wonderful things but her loneliness and isolation permeated and permeates everything. I care too much to leave her to be alone but that’s an unbearable burden at times

Yourcupwillneverempty · 19/09/2018 20:31

I don't think you sound like some deluded fool who wants a baby to love and be loved by like often very young girls do and who have a very firm idea of what parenting is. So I wonder what your idea is? When you envisage yourself being a mum what do you see? Would you hope to build friendships by joining baby groups etc and having similar aged children as common interests? What would you do about working and having a young baby? Maternity leave is a year max, what then? Full time childcare or going part time- could you afford that? Would you want to? I intended to go back full time and once my baby was here I couldn't, I just knew I would have hated it and I would have suffered with it and so would she I felt. What then? What about things like Christmases and birthdays? If you feel overwhelming loneliness at those times how would you feel about having a young child and not having the family parties/ christmas/ holidays etc? Would you feel ok or worse for not having those things for them? What would you do if you had an awful pregnancy or PND? Would you have any support at all then? Or if you were unwell when the baby was small what would you do/ who would you call on? A lot of people survive fine without a support network or family with children but do you think you've thought the other issues that could arise through?

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:32

Sorry thesexy The first part of that was in reply to Firesuit!!!!

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 19/09/2018 20:33

Offs, people

Almost every decision to have a child is selfish. And actually, having a baby because you’re lonely isn’t the worst reason to have a child.

Have a baby. Be prepared for it not to be all sugar plums and roses. But do it, I bet you’ll make a better mum than, say, someone having a kid to keep her husband from straying, or someone bonding with her latest boyfriend by having a baybeee or a scared 14yo. Not that those can’t all work out for the best too.

Good luck.

Zofloramummy · 19/09/2018 20:33

The way I’m reading it is that you want a family. Prince Charming hasn’t arrived and time is marching on. So why not? You say you are financially solvent, have a career, no major health problems.

You lack family and social support. So join every mother and baby group in your area, make friends with the school mums, socialise even though you don’t want to. You may meet people you really like, or not, but you will get a network.

Ask yourself this:
It’ll be the hardest thing you ever do. It’ll drain your money, patience and time. You will never be the same again in body and mind. You will be solely responsible for your child.

You’ll also be there for the first smile, step, tooth loss, cheekiness and all the ‘joys’ of puberty. If you still want to do it then I say go for it.

Thesexyskeleton · 19/09/2018 20:33

Eh? Where have I said they’re lying about their reasons?
I said she wanted a child to love and to love her, isn’t that where this started?

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:33

Firesuit

I just think it's a bit rude of you to doubt someone's stated reason for having a child.

The OP has stated hers and I believe her and think it's a bad idea.

Whereas you have said that other people are lying about their reasons.

Any way. This is unresolvable here by me so I'm off now

MammaSchwifty · 19/09/2018 20:34

Sounds to me like you want a family and the things that brings with it. Many, many people do. You're in a position to provide, don't feel like you have to ask permission. If you do go ahead, if you really have absolutely no one else you can call on for some support, maybe budget for some paid assistance to get you through those gnarly dark newborn days with your sanity intact.

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:34

Thesexy

See above. Got wrong poster. Sorry

Swipe left for the next trending thread