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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:34

Thanks skeleton Smile

Green, it’s just not that simple. I mean, I have tried quite hard to change things and in some ways I’ve managed to. A good job, disposable income, etc. But people, that’s something else.

Nags I don’t think it is. I mean, very genuinely, I would like to think having a child would open doors that are shut at the moment. If you mean because I’m not in a relationship then it’s assuming all single Mums have lonely children?

yourcup, I’ll be honest, Christmas can’t be worse than it already is!

OP posts:
Thesexyskeleton · 19/09/2018 20:34

It’s ok @NotAgianYoda !

I was sat here like “Did DD Bradbury me that hard that I’ve wrote some BS up there?” Grin

Thesexyskeleton · 19/09/2018 20:35

Bradbury?! Headbutt. Jeez.

greenBalloondeflating · 19/09/2018 20:38

I don't like people much either OP but DS makes sure I interact with them regardless and I put up with them okay

If you'll regret being the same in ten years and childless just do it!

Nagsnovalballs · 19/09/2018 20:39

For example I organised my mums birthday for her when I was 7, ringing round her friends and getting them to come with food. I decorated the house and cooked something too. Cute, you might thing, but I took on these massive adult roles that I shouldn’t have had the inclination or need to do. It then made me isolated from my peers with whom I shared little in outlook, attitude nd interest. I worked alone organising these things and I felt so alone and scared - if mum died, I was on my own. If I didn’t organise her birthday, no one would. Those things loom very large in the life of a 7 year old and I was a deeply anxious child despite going on wonderful holidays, owning ponies, doing sport and art and music - none of that fun removed that much larger fear that we were alone.

igglypiggly · 19/09/2018 20:40

I wanted my dc desperately and I felt unfulfilled without so I think I do understand where you are coming from. But having a child is much harder than I realised it would be. The emotional, physical and financial drain is significant. Think very carefully because you may have a child with special additional needs and that will be a tough road to travel alone. I wouldn't advise against as my dc has given me tremendous joy and fulfilment. But if I were you I would have a lot of therapy before you decide. Really understand yourself before you have a child, it will make a difference.

TacoLover · 19/09/2018 20:40

I don’t think it is. I mean, very genuinely, I would like to think having a child would open doors that are shut at the moment. If you mean because I’m not in a relationship then it’s assuming all single Mums have lonely children?

I don't think this is what she is saying; all single mums don't have kids because they are lonely, most single mums don't start out being single. What doors do you think this will open OP? Not being alone at Christmas? You have my sympathy but honestly how would you react if/when your toddler decided she doesn't like cuddles, kisses or any type of affection?

Racecardriver · 19/09/2018 20:41

It's very very wrong to have children with the expectation of getting anything out of them. My mother was insistent on having a child for very similar reasons to yours. She soon became frustrated when she realised that children a people too and love flies the same rules with children as it does with anyone else (with the exception of the love of a parent for their child), notably that love is not unconditional or automatic but must be earned. She started demanding more love from me because 'a child should love their mother more than anyone else in the world'. I stopped loving her in the end.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:42

Nags, seriously, the last birthday that was acknowledged in any way was when I was 17, I think Grin

I’m not making light of it Flowers but well, I would hope to have a life with friends and with activities and not depression or misery.

OP posts:
Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:43

That wouldn’t bother me taco

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 19/09/2018 20:44

YANBU. But you will need as much of a financial cushion as you can muster and do as much long term financial planning as you can.
My only concern would be that you don't seem to have people who will support you in real life and you WILL need support - it doesn't have to come from family but people you can trust.

And lastly whilst I was thrilled to (finally) have a child I found the baby years quite lonely. Prepare for this as best you can.

HPFA · 19/09/2018 20:45

If you'd left out the lonely part you'd probably have more telling you to hurry up and go for it

That's the bit that worried me, to be honest. Having a baby doesn't cure loneliness, that's for sure.

Deep down, we all want our kids to love us so I don't think there's anything wrong with the OP having that feeling. I remember picking up DD from her cot once when she was crying "she was about a year old maybe) and she snuggled into my shoulder and went straight back to sleep. And I realised for the first time someone loved me who didn't think I'd be better if I was prettier, smarter, more successful, or talked less or wasn't quite so opinionated! And it was a lovely moment. And that uncritical love doesn't last for long so enjoy it while it does.

Don't think I can advise you OP - if you can afford a few sessions with a counsellor would be a good idea, I think. Just so you're clear on your own motives.

inthekitchensink · 19/09/2018 20:45

There’s a lot to think about, and I imagine you have and then just boiled it down to the ‘love’ issue. Having worked in child protection and now teaching young children I can vouch that having a child so someone will love you is not a good reason. But I don’t think that’s exactly what you’re talking about?
If you can consider the following a yes, then go for it -

  • unconditional love and support to give, which will not necessarily be returned
  • in a position to give a child good foundation to become a decent, well rounded citizen of the world
  • enough physical and mental health, and/or support to help you
  • can financially, emotionally and mentally support a child, bearing in mind potential health problems/disabilities
  • can you offer a child a good start, a happy home, encouragement to be independent and support their growth

If yes, go ahead - it won’t be easy but if it’s what you want it will be worth it - a lot of love and a lot of tears!

SassitudeandSparkle · 19/09/2018 20:48

Have you posted about this before, OP?

What is it about a child that you think will bring you friends in the long term, how would a child open doors for you that you can't open yourself now?

Elbbob · 19/09/2018 20:49

Not saying do or don't but - do consider given your socially isolated circumstances if you have a baby who would look after it if you died say when child is 6 months old or 5 yrs old or whatever? Or were seriously ill I.e. you got hit by a car or had a stroke.

I had my first baby this year and the enormity of it really hit me. I worry a lot about what would happen to her if my partner or I or both died.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:49

No sass?

Well, I wouldn’t be having a baby for friendships, but to be honest as a side note it is easier to meet people when you have a child.

OP posts:
OoohAyyye · 19/09/2018 20:50

I know people can be blunt but I am still surprised at some of the responses OP has received. "Terrible idea" "get therapry" etc. Not good.

Regarding help. Well we all know there are plenty of partners out there who do fuck all when it comes to parenting. Far too often the responsibility falls onto one parents.

And not everyone has family help. And you have friends? Surely one of them could help in an emergency? That's what DP and I have to do.

OP, honestly I think you should go for it.

Oh and for what it's worth I grew up with both my parents together and my mum still burdened me with her emotional needs. Imo it's more about who you are as a person, not whether you're in a relationship.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:50

I know el ... I mean, awful as it sounds she would have to go into foster care, that’s just how it is.

OP posts:
Nagsnovalballs · 19/09/2018 20:52

Well you clearly think you are going to be fine and a baby will solve your problems. So I’m bowing out.

Most single parents become them with a father still around, or have a family network already if the father is a douche bag absconder like mine. Or have a close knit community. Few women are either so selfish or naive to have a baby tO solve their loneliness. Of course dc are supposed to be a gift and enrich your life, but what you are suggesting is as Ill-thought out as women who have babies to fix their relationship with their partner.

I will say it a final time: because your child will love you, your loneliness becomes their burden to bear. Nothing you can say to that child will stop them feeling responsible fir your happiness and mental health.

I wish your future child luck and I really, really hope you look to resolve your loneliness before embarking on this pathway to pst nthood.

JustThis1Time · 19/09/2018 20:52

I think some responding here have never felt the true depths of loneliness of being completely isolated going months with human interaction being limited to an occasional doctor's visit and employees at the grocery store, months with zero physical touch of another human being.

While I do think you should work on yourself and your life a bit first OP, know that being a Mum on maternity leave can also be lonely. I can understand where you're coming from though.

Oh and I had a cat too, it's just not the same as a person at the end of the day but she did let me hold on to my last bit of sanity. I have a partner now husband but we lived in two different countries then.

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:53

ooahAyyes

I can't leave this alone. Finding yourself in a less-than-great-situation is far different from electing to put yourself in that situation.

I am not criticising the OPs single status. I know that other parents harm their children

HolyFuckNuggets · 19/09/2018 20:57

I don't see why you shouldn't. Having a baby is a massive responsibility and as long as you go into it with your eyes wide open (the sleepless nights, the colic, the days they cry nonstop when they're teething/ill, the tantrums, the social minefield that is the teen years etc etc) and are prepared to widen your circle and not keep you and your little one in your own wee bubble, then why not?

People absolutely have them for worse reasons and wanting someone to share your life with and bring you joy is not a bad reason.

NotAgainYoda · 19/09/2018 20:57

JustThis

Yes, I understand and can sympathise. I've suffered from depression. Don't mistake a concern for a child as total lack of concern for the OP

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 20:58

Gosh nags that’s so wrong ... but I am allowed to say I am not your mum. I mean, if I was I’d probably have done it a decade ago to be honest.

I know yoda this does cross my mind.

Just thanks Smile

OP posts:
Florries · 19/09/2018 20:59

OP, it sounds like you have a lot of love to give. Would you consider getting a cat or, if your routine was suitable, a dog? I have both and they are the light of my life and they are my fury children