To have a baby because I want someone to love me

[gertc]

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

Isn’t that why most people have children 🤷‍♀️

There aren’t any ‘reasons’ to have a baby, people just have them because they want one or by accident. I think if you’re ready with love, time, patience and energy then that’s a good a reason as any. And children do tend to love their mums! I feel very loved by my kids and it’s a wonderful feeling. Can’t blame you!

YANBU. I'm a single parent (since DS was a baby) and am now similar age to you and if I didn't have my child, I would consider a sperm donor. For me, I've always seen children in my life and having one has fulfilled me in so many ways - I have so much love and attention to give him and he gives a huge sense of purpose to my life. Having said that, it isn't the same for everyone and I've had it easy in some ways with no PND for example. And there are plenty of times that I've been at the very end of my tether with nobody to turn to and say "you have to take him, I need a break" (not everyone in a relationship has someone they can do that with either though!).

This bit of what Merryberryderry said, I agree with totally:

I think what I’m trying to say in a very rambling way is it’s not wrong to want to have a child and want to love them and they love you back but that shouldn’t be the only reason or the main motivating reason because the reality is parenting requires emotional resilience by the bucket load.

my friend in her 40s got a sperm donor and has a child. if you can provide go for it!

I’m not being rude but people saying ‘being a parent is a 24 an hour job’ - I do know that!

I am lonely, not stupid

I think if it feels right OP then do it. Maybe consider 1 or 2 counselling sessions first to flesh out your reasons and then if u still feel like your in a good position to offer love to a child then do it —before it’s too late—

Oh OP. Just get a therapist like everyone else does.

a therapist won’t spend Christmas with me but thanks.

I don’t think YABU. I think having biological children, as I do, is really a ‘selfish’ act, in the purest sense of the word. It is something I did totally and completely for me, because I wanted to be a mum. I was fortunate enough to have a partner who also wanted to be a dad. I can’t think people are having biological children for any other reason?

Most other major decisions I have made in my life have considered others - I do a job which helps and benefits other people, I chose to live close to my family partly because I knew my family would be gutted if I moved away. But my children - that was solely and totally because I wanted them for me.

Having said making the decision to have children is ‘selfish,’ it does lead most parents to be as selfless as it is humanly possible to be. Nothing in your posts suggests that you won’t be a selfless and giving mother OP.

because I was in a great place emotionally / mentally, with a secure relationship, home and job which allowed me to be in a position to feel i could offer a good upbringing and life experience to someone else

Those things might be good prerequisites for having a baby, but there's nothing in there that explains why you wanted to. What you can offer to a hypothetical being who doesn't yet exist can't logically be a motivation for magicking them into existence. It's a circular argument to say you created a baby so you could offer things that wouldn't have been missed if you hadn't created it.

Wow what is with all the assumptions that the OP knows absolutely nothing about child raising. It is extremely patronising.

I’m slightly in disagreement. If you want a baby to make you happy or be a companion to you, really don’t. I adore my baby and I did suffer with anxiety and depression before having her and I still do. Having my partner there to take over when I sometimes feel like I can’t cope is invaluable. But that all being said if you want a baby because you want to give love, accepting it will be hard and frustrating, accepting in a lot of ways the whole point and purpose of babies is to grow up and move away and you still want to, I’d do it in your shoes. Just make sure you think about the fact that for every moment of joy there’s lots of others. This morning my daughter reached up to me and picked her up and hugged me. My heart swelled, and then she bit me and rubbed breakfast all down my work outfit. She also just cried for an hour refusing to go to sleep. You need to have the love but also feel up to doing those bits alone. I hope you find happiness OP.

OP I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t go ahead and have a baby IF your desire to care and love the child is your principal motive.
People get all het up re selfishness but I don’t really know of an unselfish reason for having a child! It is a natural desire and provided the child’s wellbeing is paramount in the parent’s thinking what’s the harm?
A child will widen your horizons and you will grow as a person and in providing social contacts for your child you will meet more people.
The child will not automatically love you and the relationship will depend on how nurturing you are . You perhaps made a mistake by putting your wish for a child that will love you first — this will automatically put people’s backs up because the motive very young mothers often give for getting pregnant is that they want a baby to love them. Then when faced with a crying, possibly colicky baby they feel the baby does not love them and they blame the baby.
However, I can see you want the joy a child can bring to your life and the investment in the future certainly can bring meaning to life.
Good luck

I think that having love to give is one of the best reasons to have a child. In fact I think it is a much better reason than many.

I think you should make sure that your own mh is in as good nick as it can be though, whether you decide to have a baby or not.

Firesuit

Does it matter? The OP doesn't have those prerequisites. Wanting something and it being in the best interests of all the people concerned aren't the same thing.

Argh I think my message doesn’t make sense. DO IT if you understand it might give you as much heartache and loneliness as it does joy.

• “There are worse reasons for having a child”

Couple of people have said that

Can you explain what those would be?*

To harvest organs is one, off the top of my head.

Yes but we still love our kids even when they’re difficult. And they still love us when we’re knackered. OP hasn’t said she wants to love an easy baby. I suspect she wants that parental- child love, warts and all, like anyone who wants to become a parent does. (Unless they’re very naive)

Only read the first page and was shocked at the cunty comments.

Babies are fucking hard, but they give so much love and purpose. Go for it!

The problem is I get the impression that OP is looking to have a baby to fill a "void" in her life. She wants a baby to make herself "whole".

Another person can't do that. That's not healthy even in a marriage, let alone in a parent/child relationship.

This is subjective. From my own experience, I found having a child did feel a void. And, no, I don't consider this unhealthy. My DD is not my whole life but she is the centre of it. As a child should be.

To add to these very important points, I'd say there is a big difference between filling a void in someone's life and filling an emotional void within a person. Becoming a parent can undoubtedly give someone a focus and purpose for living and that is a positive thing.

The problem arises when instead of the parent putting the child at the centre of their lives, the child is expected to put the parent at the centre of theirs and is not allowed to be a separate entity to the parent. They are completely emotionally enmeshed.

From the first post and title, it does appear that the OP is expecting the child to give them the love they don't currently have. There's an expectation placed on a tiny human that's not even here yet...it's whole purpose in life seems to be "I've been created to love my mummy". That's not a good reason to have a child.

In subsequent posts, it comes across differently and that the OP's reasons for wanting a child are not quite as selfish as they initially seemed. But only she knows the truth and needs to be honest with herself and, I think, seek counselling prior to going down the donor route.

I don't think it's selfish to become a single parent by choice. I do think its selfish to create a child primarily because you are lonely and unhappy and have no one else. And please believe me when I say, I completely understand where the OP is coming from and have the utmost sympathy for her.

What actually is a good reason to have a child anyway? We all basically do it because we want to.

You're 37. Realistically you probably need to get on with it fairly soon if you want to have children

If you'd left out the lonely part you'd probably have more telling you to hurry up and go for it

Having a child is never easy - whether you're Mary poppins from a rich family or Mary from classic EE but as a single sometimes lonely parent myself I'd say you should have one if possible. You can't make a baby shoulder the responsibility for your social life but I did find I made many friends through being a mum and I really enjoy the holidays with my child. It won't last forever- he'll move out at some point but I do think children enrich your life if you're a lonely person

NotAgainYoda,

I was thinking: to keep a partner, to make your partner happy, for financial gain, lack of contraception.

@thesexyskeleton

because you feel you "should"
because everyone else is having one
to make someone else happy
to attempt to save a floundering relationship
etc

My mum saw me like that - on her own, in her forties.

Consequence? A terrible mostly absent dad chosen out of a desperation. Huge emotional and mental burden on me. Her loneliness and depression have not abated. She’s now jealous that I have a stable and loving partnership with my DP that has lasted double the length of even her longest relationship.

I spend time with her out of duty and we argue horribly.

Even small stuff: she’s upset I don’t go on holiday with her but instead want to go with my partner. IM in my 30s. She bemoans the fact that she will die alone and indeed I can’t be there all the time she is unwell.

You might say I wouldn’t do that, but she got a number of years of being able to compel me to do stuff as a child and now just feels the absence more keenly. At he same time, I feel too guilty to live the life that I want and move to where I want. Instead I live near her. She never bothered to build her own life beyond me.

For people like her and you, you can make all the promises in the world that you want your child to go out and live their life (as my mother does/did), but you don’t seem to realise that unless you raise a sociopath, your child will feel too guilty to do so. It’s shit. I wish I didn’t care but I do. And then I resent the half life that I’ve been guilted into, because despite my mother’s declarations about letting me go, I’m not so much of a cold hearted bitch that I would leave her to her re-discovered, post-child isolation in old age..