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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 19/09/2018 19:29

it’s not about putting my happiness into a child but that I think a child would bring happiness into my life.

Exactly. You are putting the responsibility of your happiness onto a child. You are expecting them to make you happy.

Cornettoninja · 19/09/2018 19:30

I cross posted with you’re second post.....

Actually on further information your situation doesn’t sound awful. I’m not saying to crack out the turkey baster but it’s not like you’re directionless and looking for a reason to ‘be’ iyswim.

You sound like your having an internal solo version of the conversation many couples have.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:30

In what way Luglio?

I mean, yes, they wouldn’t have grandparents or aunts or uncles but they’d have stability and friendships I hope.

Half I would want to use donor sperm.

It’s not really royal - I mean, everyone has a baby because they want one and think it will make them happy or bring pleasure into their lives.

Two just circumstances I think Smile

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 19/09/2018 19:31

YANBU that's the reason most people have children.

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 19:31

Ok, and I'm in the same position as you. It's great that you want to give that love but, in that case your title is misleading because it says "AIBU To have a baby because I want someone to love me" so the focus seemed more on the child loving you rather than the other way round.

I don't think anyone should have a child because they want someone to give them love as that is very narcissistic and potentially harmful, even if it comes from a place of immense pain.

I have the desire you speak of later, to give love to a child, so my plan is that if I haven't met someone to have biological children with by my late 30's, I will adopt a child as a single person. In the meantime, I'm getting myself as emotionally and financially ready as possible, especially considering that an adoptive child will potentially have had a traumatic and complex start to life. Is adoption something you would consider? Does a childless future seem meaningless to you? If so, perhaps consider going it alone. But definitely work on yourself too.

HerRoyalFattyness · 19/09/2018 19:32

Yeah, but they also have other things that bring them joy and happiness and most don't describe their life as lonely, empty or cold.
So yes, it really is putting the responsibility onto them. And the saddest part is, they don't have a choice.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:32

I wouldn’t be approved for adoption shady ... my title was a bit misleading I suppose.

I’ve always seen my future with children in it. But I don’t know. Maybe it is selfish.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 19/09/2018 19:32

OP you're not a teenager, of you can honestly say you want to do this alone (not that you're settling by doing it alone), and you are able to support yourself and a child financially, emotionally and can cope with the childcare etc around your career, why not look into sperm donation and IVF , at least to get an idea of the process. I think your OP makes it sound a bit like 'i want a baby because it'll make everything better' but your later posts don't sound that way.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:33

Do you honestly think everyone who has a child is in a perfect relationship with perfect mental health royal? I don’t know ... anyway.

OP posts:
HalfDivided · 19/09/2018 19:33

Why would you not be approved for adoption? I suspect whatever the reasoning for that might add even more weight to not having a child?

juneau · 19/09/2018 19:34

Thing is, DC take a lot and while they do give, they actually take a lot more! If I'd had DC to make me feel loved I think I'd have been gutted. You sound like you need some meaning in your life, most definitely, but to put that on a DC really isn't fair. Have a DC if you want to have a DC, but don't have a DC so you have someone to love you. That could backfire horribly. I suggest you get some therapy and think about ways to enrich your life. Raising a DC in order to fill your great pit of need is a recipe for further unhappiness. Love yourself first.

Bambamber · 19/09/2018 19:35

Having a baby can be really lonely. Sometimes even where you have lots of people around you

HerRoyalFattyness · 19/09/2018 19:35

gertc no i dont. As i said in my first reply to you, i had a baby so that someone would love me.
Difference is, i was 16.
What i can say is that it is the wrong reason to have a child.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:36

Plenty of perfectly adequate parents wouldn’t be approved for adoption half but it is because I have no support. Which is why I am very lonely.

I get that bam, not sure it can be much worse to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:36

Ok royal

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 19/09/2018 19:37

I think given your age, I would go down the sperm donor route.

What are your thoughts op?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2018 19:37

Do you date OP? I’m not against your reasons for wanting a family but I cannot imagine how hard it would be on your own, it’s bloody hard enough as a partnership.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:37

I just honestly don’t know. I don’t know if it’s the thing that might make me so much happier or so much sadder.

OP posts:
Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 19:37

I don’t date.

OP posts:
ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 19:38

I might add that the reason I have needed so much counselling and most likely the reason I haven't met someone to marry yet is due to the fact that my mother raised me solely to fulfil her unmet emotional needs. I was her parent and spouse from birth, her happiness
was all I was allowed to work towards or hope for...they call it emotional incest. Its a terrible life and realising I could condemn a future child to a similar life caused me to end a relationship at the age of 31 with a man who was similarly emotionally damaged and looking for others to fill the void within him.

CrackpotsArePots · 19/09/2018 19:39

I didn't have a baby to make me happy. Or not primarily. I had a baby to make them happy. Sounds really arrogant but there it is. Thought me and DH had a lot to give.

juneau · 19/09/2018 19:39

I get that bam, not sure it can be much worse to be honest.

You haven't been alone at 2am on a long winter's night with a screaming, baby and no-one there to tell you it will be okay. Honestly, it CAN be worse. You're assuming that you'll have a perfect, healthy baby too and no complications. If you have MH problems and no support having a baby could most definitely be much worse than things are now.

curlykaren · 19/09/2018 19:42

The thing is though that you would just worry about your child being lonely, my family is very small, just me, my mum and son. Now instead of worrying that Christmas/special occasions aren't fulfilling for me, I worry the same for my child. Are there enough people/friends around him/us at Christmas. Do I know enough people to invite to his birthday party etc etc. You won't lose the worry, you'll just be worrying on someone else's behalf!

Holidayfromreal · 19/09/2018 19:42

Surely 99% of people have a baby so they can love a baby and be loved by that baby? I'm finding it very hard to believe that most people had a baby because they were married had a nice life and felt secure? Nothing emotional what so ever, just a nice secure feeling made you all want to have a child? I find that a lot more disturbing than someone who has a baby because they want to love a baby.

OP if you want a baby because you would love a baby and feel you can provide for a baby then have a baby. Flowers

CrackpotsArePots · 19/09/2018 19:43

You sound depressed and frankly really really lacking in insight to what children demand of you emotionally. In these circumstances I would be very worried that you'd deeply resent the hard times ahead. No child asks to be born. No child deserves to be the answer to our problems. Sorry to be so blunt but I think you need to think hard.