To have a baby because I want someone to love me

[gertc]

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

Leaving aside how sad you are feeling right now, if having a baby is something you feel is essential to your future (assuming it works out of course) then go for it. If you're very single at 37 you should just crack on. I have too many friends who waited and waited for men to commit, to meet the right man, etc etc and then ran out of time.

You have love to give, that's not a reason NOT to have a child! But it is obviously very very hard work.

No. Just no.

Let me explain further:

1. Having a baby is an 18+ year commitment. Are you prepared for that? You can't just give a baby back when you get tired of it. If you're a single parent, unless you have good social support, you're IT. When the baby wakes up ever 2 hours needing a feed, and you have to go to work tomorrow, YOU have to get up to feed the baby. When the baby is sick and puking and pooping everywhere, and you don't feel so hot yourself, YOU have to clean the baby up. It's 24/7/365. You can't say "well, I've put in my 8 hours of parenting today, now you have to wait".

1. You can't place responsibility for your mental health on another person. That's a huge burden to carry and it's not healthy for you or your child. What if something happens to the child? What's keeping you going at that point? Plus, eventually your child will become an adult. Will you be able to recognize where you end and your child begins? Will you be open to your child moving away from you? What if your child chooses a career that isn't what YOU would have chosen? What will happen if your child decides to have a family and isn't able to see you very often because of that?

Really, I think you need some serious therapy. Not to mention that if you have untreated anxiety and/or depression during pregnancy, that can cause problems with your baby's development. It also increases your risk for developing PND.

Please, get some help first. THEN decide if you still want to have a child, and make sure it's for the right reasons.

It's not fair to the baby. It might have been a slip of the tongue and you have since changed to say you want to love a child, but your OP states you want a baby to love you.

Of course children do (usually) love their parents, when the parent is loving and takes good care of the child. But the dynamic of the relationship is one way in a lot of ways.

You can't use a child to meet your unmet needs, and you can't use a child to plug a hole where you are craving being loved.

What was your relationship like with your own parents?

Holidayfromreal

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a baby so that you can love and be loved. That's a wonderful gift.

The problem is I get the impression that OP is looking to have a baby to fill a "void" in her life. She wants a baby to make herself "whole".

Another person can't do that. That's not healthy even in a marriage, let alone in a parent/child relationship.

People saying yes or no here isn't going to convince you one way or another; so let's unpick it.

Why are you lonely? You've said you don't date - do you have friends?

Do you have opportunities to meet people through hobbies and get to know them in a safe way that could lead to a romantic relationship? I find the idea of online dating daunting but am prepared to go down the slow burner route and meet people through activities, work etc.

I don't have family support either but Adoption Agencies aren't just looking for family support...if you have close, reliable and responsible friends who could help if you were hospitalised etc they are satisfied with that.

It makes sense, even if you went down the donor route. What would your plan be in the event of illness? Who would you call upon for support?

Could you focus on finding and building that support system first? You would need it as a single parent...it can be very lonely and isolating. I don't think I could go down the donor route because the idea of being pregnant and giving birth alone or having PND frightens me. I think i'd feel especially vulnerable. What if you needed a c-section? Would you have someone who would be able to step in and look after you and the child for a little while?

Also, and I hate to be negative but it does happen, what if the child had a disability...do you think you'd manage ok on your own?

You can discuss all this with a counsellor if you want...I know someone amazing who does Skype sessions if you need a recommendation.

I think I get where you’re coming from OP.

My story is that I decided to adopt as a lone parent. My reasons for adoption were varied but included not being in a position to have a child naturally, a desire to be a parent but not an overwhelming urge to do this biologically (which was just as well given a myriad of health issues which would have made it pretty impossible), a pull towards adoption as my preferred method of being a parent that i’d had since I was a young adult, definitely a little bit of selfishness that I wanted to have a family of my own and be a mum like other people were.

I’ve been a lone parent now for 6 years and yes it is tough but it is still the best decision I ever made. I love my daughter with a fierceness I didn’t know possible. At this age (still at primary school) she has more than her fair share of unconditional love for me but I’m under no illusion that this will last through the teenage years and it also doesn’t mean she can’t be a right royal pain in the ass right now.

I think my advice would be to seriously consider whether you want to be the sole carer for a child. There are pluses and negatives. It’s not wrong to want a child, or to want a child to love you. But if you make the decision to be a parent (and particularly if you’re doing it alone) you really need to consider all the realities first. My daughter is ace and I love her totally but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when she’s in a strop and tells me I’m horrible or mean or whatever other insult she can hurl at me.

I think what I’m trying to say in a very rambling way is it’s not wrong to want to have a child and want to love them and they love you back but that shouldn’t be the only reason or the main motivating reason because the reality is parenting requires emotional resilience by the bucket load.

Hope that doesn’t sound patronising, it’s not meant to. I do get it. It’s rubbish being alone (whether single or childless) when you don’t want to be!

There are many worse reasons to have a baby.

Just because all the regular parties aren't involved doesn't mean you shouldn't.

At 37 I'm certain you've tried the dating and relationship method. It's your time, you can choose to be a parent. I would say YANBU.

I don't think YABU, I'm lucky enough to have children but if I didn't I would most definitely want them. To love and cherish something and have that back albeit occasionally is for me the greatest thing.
If you can provide for the child financially and emotionally then go for it.
I have no idea how being lonely and having no family means you have mental health problems as pp stated.

It took me so long to type I missed your bits about adoption not being for you so ignore my ramblings!

There are worse reasons to have a child.
Besides, lots of people have children that aren't wanted.
And, as as single parent from day 1, I very, very rarely feel lonely.:D
If you can provide for it and have support and you really want a child (for whatever reason), do it.

YANBU, I think we all have children for selfish reasons so I don’t see why this is any different. You and your DC could have a wonderful life together. I would probably do the same if I was you.

Yes I have 3 children (and a DH) and I had children for precisely the reasons you want to. I wanted a family to fill the void of my birth family being shit. It has been nothing but positive thank goodness. I think I’m doing pretty excellent and my children have the warm and loving family I lacked and have brought a whole heap of meaning to my life. Clearly everyone else on this thread brought children into the world for selfless reasons .

Your title says I want someone to love me which made me think that you would be placing a massive expectation on your child to fill your emotional void and then read ShadyLady53's sad post. There must be other solutions.

I don't think the OP is saying she needs a baby to 'fix' her. If she were 20 that might be the case, but she's 37 and is a responsible adult. If she had a partner it would almost be an assumption that she would have a baby at some point without any need to examine or justify her motives.If the OP is solvent, secure, emotionally strong and feels that a child would bring something to her life and that she could be a good parent in return, why the hell shouldn't she?

Well, I really hope I wouldn’t be doing that shady, I mean, I would want to love and raise the child in the very best way I could. I don’t know though.

I don’t get that though crackpots, you are happy when they are happy but ultimately you didn’t want to give your eggs a better life!

I don’t have MH problems june

I have spent Christmas alone for years and years.

As long as you're aware that your loving baby will turn into a teen that will hate you for a few years! Or might have a very different personality to you so while you love them you might not actually have much in common

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have and love a baby. My personal experience was that at times having DC was the loneliest and most isolating thing I have ever done. It certainly isn't like that all of the time and I don't regret choosing to have them but I couldn't say they were a good way of tackling feelings of loneliness and isolation. DC will love you and will tell you they love you, they will at times hate you and will tell you that as well. Raising DC is really hard and emotionally challenging, you need to make sure you are in the most robust place possible before starting this particular activity. DC can bring great joy but their needs and not yours need to come first.

The problem is I get the impression that OP is looking to have a baby to fill a "void" in her life. She wants a baby to make herself "whole".

Another person can't do that. That's not healthy even in a marriage, let alone in a parent/child relationship.

This is subjective. From my own experience, I found having a child did feel a void. And, no, I don't consider this unhealthy. My DD is not my whole life but she is the centre of it. As a child should be.

*fill

I'm also a bit sceptical about the PPs stating they didn't have a baby for 'selfish' reasons (to summarise and paraphrase). Nobody decides to create/conceive a baby out of noble selflessness. If they did, it would be a bit scary tbh - just imagine being so arrogant that you thought you needed to make the noble sacrifice of creating a new person so she or he experienced the joy of having you as a parent. I am guessing that the reasons why pretty much everyone on this thread chose to have their children are actually not quite as far from the OP's as they may believe. It's rather (gratuitously) cruel to suggest the OP doesn't 'have her shit together' or would be condemning the baby to a 'cold and lonely' life.

That said, I think it would possibly be unwise for you, OP, to proceed without having reflected first (possibly with a therapist) on the sense of loneliness you have and how you expect parenthood to change that.

"There are worse reasons to have a child"

Couple of people have said that

Can you explain what those would be?

If you’ve struggled to build a social life/relationships on your own, what makes you think that would change with a baby in tow? Would you be happy spending christmases just you and a baby, then a toddler, then a child, alone?

I think you would probably benefit from thinking a bit more deeply about why you’ve ended up so isolated and lonely, as those reasons aren’t going to magically change with a baby. And you have to think of the emotional impact on a child being born to fill their mother’s emotional void. Many an emotionally distressed unstable adult has had that kind of childhood and dealt with the aftershocks their entire lives.

Having a child as a lone parent is a 24 hour a day commitment for around 20 years. The pressures are enormous and I don't feel you are thinking of doing it for the right reasons.

Sorry - I thought I’d pressed send and I hadn’t so lots of x posts.

Shady I don’t even consider I might have a romantic relationship to be honest.

I understand what you mean re friendships but understandably once people have their own children that takes precedence over everything else.

Merry given the choice I’d far rather raise a child in a loving relationship for their sake too but if that isn’t an option I’d love to have a child.

I don’t know about a void. Certainly, at the moment, I have no one who loves me and no one to love and the thought of having those things is alluring. Is that the only reason? I honestly don’t know. There are many, varied reasons I suppose.