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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
maddening · 20/09/2018 14:32

I would go for it op x

AlecTrevelyan006 · 20/09/2018 14:37

I suspect that many women, consciously or sub-consciously, have a child for the same reasons as the OP.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 20/09/2018 14:39

And anyway, what is an ‘acceptable’ reason for having a baby? Who gets to decide that?

scatterolight · 20/09/2018 14:45

OP you are not being unreasonable. I suspect the majority on this thread, for whom life so easily slotted into place, have no idea of your circumstances. Nor can they imagine, truly imagine, being your age with no partner, children, or parents. Complete atomisation and dislocation.

Being part of a family is integral to human existence and the yearning you are feeling is entirely natural and right.

Are you doing anything to change your circumstance? Are you online dating? Please get out there and give it a shot. You still have time.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/09/2018 16:38

@Leighhalfpennysthigh you are presuming everyone has an entire friendship group consisting of people who can have children and people who want children

No I'm not. I'm talking about a group of people who have children and had the ability to have children and who are in this thread.

However, talking as someone who wanted children and couldn't have them i a, definitely in the minority in this society and by god I am made to feel inadequate.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 20/09/2018 17:09

Op, you’ve had some really sanctimonious replies on here. Some people had a baby not because they were being selfish but because their lives are so great and they had so much to offer - WTF!

Planet earth certainly doesn’t need more humans so if they were so selfless they wouldn’t have had children at all.

Go for it OP - I don’t know anyone who regrets having their children. That doesn’t mean there aren’t difficult times ahead, but you won’t regret a child you love. You deserve to have a family and happiness just as much as anyone on here who has had DC the traditional way. Best of luck!

BackToTheFuschia7 · 20/09/2018 17:11

Also, at 37 I wouldn’t wait to meet the right man. Don’t waste your chance. Having a dc doesn’t mean you can’t meet a man at a later date.

I think you’d be better building up good supportive friendship networks than frantically dating.

BlueBug45 · 20/09/2018 17:35

@Leighshalfpennysthigh the OP is going to be continually be made to feel inadequate for being a single mother who used a sperm donor. In fact if you don't have children the "right' age, the "right" way, etc you get made to feel inadequate by certain members of society. The OP best make some friends who are in a variety of situations as they won't be so judgy and also so her child knows if things go wrong there are other adults to rely on.

helacells · 20/09/2018 17:41

What the heck is wrong with you all! Of course that's a VERY good reason to have children. Not everyone wants a partner, friends or a career. In fact I think that's the best reason to bring more humans into this crazy world. If you can support them and love them unconditionally go right ahead. It's the reason I did it and completely gave my life joy and meaning. Before my DD came along I was completely lost at sea, there just seemed to be no point to my existence. YADNBU!

Ngaio2 · 20/09/2018 18:18

In my experience it’s women who have had a good and satisfying social life who feel isolated as mothers. The OP has not got a social life or close friends so being unable to go out because of a lack of babysitters etc will not be a problem. She will not miss what she hasn’t had. Motherhood will present her with new opportunities to make friends with other mothers. Christmas will be amazing when she can view the magic through her child’s eyes.
So good luck to you OP

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2018 18:25

I think you’d be better building up good supportive friendship networks than frantically dating.

I agree.

CandidaAlbicans · 20/09/2018 18:58

gertc I think it would be worth separating your desire for a baby before you're too old, and your "cold, empty and lonely" life with "no sense of purpose". The former seems in many ways just a case of dealing with practicalities, but the latter suggests some difficult emotional issues going on in the background. I agree with PPs, I'm not saying don't have a baby alone by a sperm donor (although I must admit your lack of a support network is a concern), but maybe talk through the emotions with a counsellor first so you feel in a better place.

Have you actually spoken to any of your friends about your loneliness, especially around Christmas and holidays?

Original poster
gertc · 20/09/2018 20:13

Thanks for replies. Having an exceptionally lonely time right now.

Re talking to friends - there’s no point. They’d just say how nice it is to have time alone or something!

I’m not into counselling or therapy, but thanks. Smile

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 21/09/2018 07:21

Unrelenting loneliness and sense of dislocation, the inability to see that advice might help, The unwillingness to seeks psychological help for those feelings, plus a delusional belief that pregnancy, childbirth and bringing up a child will make that all better. I'd say that's a bit more that loneliness. That sound like depression. Get help OP

Original poster
gertc · 21/09/2018 08:07

I don’t think for a second having a baby will make it all better yoda, however you may not appreciate how hard it is.

I do meet up with friends and we have a great laugh. But that’s possibly four or five times a YEAR. What do I do for the other 360 days?

And I have tried really hard but the older I’ve got the smaller my world has got and I hate it.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 21/09/2018 08:53

I empathise with your wanting a family OP. I have no children or surviving parents myself but I do have a partner. It does sound to me, if you meet up with friends so rarely, that you are a bit reluctant to try to meet new people and broaden your social circle. You should perhaps think about that anyway whether or not you go ahead with having a baby.

Coffeepot72 · 21/09/2018 08:59

Meet-up has been a life-saver for a lot of people.

www.meetup.com/

And organisations like Age Concern run be-friending schemes, where you can (sort of) adopt an older person in your community, a rather 'via the back door' way of creating a relative?

CandidaAlbicans · 21/09/2018 09:31

Re talking to friends - there’s no point. They’d just say how nice it is to have time alone or something!

No point?! I don't get this. Either you're convinced they'd not understand or care about your loneliness, or you don't feel you can discuss it with them. Or is it somethig else? Either way it sounds like they're pretty shallow friendships. Seriously, I'm not the most sociable person around, have few friends, but when I discuss my worries they give a shit and I know they'd be there to help if I needed.

juneau · 21/09/2018 13:02

I suspect that many women, consciously or sub-consciously, have a child for the same reasons as the OP.

I disagree. I don't think I know anyone who had a baby so they had 'someone to love them' and because they're lonely. I think most people want to have a baby because they have a biological urge to reproduce and they like to idea of having and raising a DC. But a DC is not someone to be your 'buddy', a DC is someone you love and nurture and raise and then, if you've done a good job, they go off and live their own life one day.

If you're having a DC to give you someone to keep you company you risk being lonely all over again when they leave home, or, even worse, the DC feels duty bound to stay with or near you for the rest of your life so you're not left on your own.

Have a DC because you want to have a DC, but if you're lonely make an effort to meet other adults with whom you can be friends and do things. A DC will give you a reason to get out of the house, it's true, and when they start to be invited to birthday parties and things and go to school they can be a way to broaden your social circle, but don't have a DC to keep you company. You have to allow them to live their own life - not be tied to your emotional needs.

FrenchJunebug · 24/09/2018 11:01

If you want to have a child on your own via a clinic it is compulsory to see a therapist. So you will need to be into it. You seem to turn down every suggestions offered. Believe me you think your world is small now it gets EVEN smaller when you are a single mum, even one that works full time like myself.

SMBC · 24/09/2018 14:17

Believe me you think your world is small now it gets EVEN smaller when you are a single mum

Rubbish. It might be your experience but it's certainly not everyone's! I've made new ADDITIONAL friends to the ones I had pre-baby and my world is certainly not small.

OP you are going to get good and bad experiences. Only you can decide how it might work out for you (and be prepared for the tough times) but don't take it as gospel that you will feel more lonely because it actually doesn't happen to everyone. I have only ever heard this from mums in couples. I've never actually heard it from a solo mum who chooses to have a child on their own and I'm in a large network of solo mums.

Omgoap · 24/09/2018 14:27

It is your life, if you want to do it, do it. This is not a rehearsal.... I know a woman who used a sperm donor from Denmark and has a beautiful little boy that has brought immeasurable pleasure to her life. Though she says it is at times relentless and she has sisters who are very supportive and help her a lot...
with a baby there are lots of opportunities to meet new friends too with babies the same age too

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 24/09/2018 14:41

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I think, why the fuck not??

Plenty of people have babies for plenty of reasons, what's so wrong with the OPs?

She has love she wants to give. And she hopes to get live back. Don't we all?

I say go for it.

FrenchJunebug · 25/09/2018 10:16

smbc i've made new friends too but I have lost the ability to go to cinema and gigs and travelling as I please so yes my world has got smaller.

user1510568216 · 25/09/2018 21:21

Being lonely is not an illness. Just because someone's lonely doesn't mean they have MH issues FFS. You have the income, you have a warm home & love to give then there's no reason you shouldn't go for it. It will open up a whole new world for you. You will never experience love like this unless you have a child. It's all consuming & just amazing. But... It's such hard work, even with family & friends helping out. Sounds like you don't have this at the moment. Lots of women do it & come through it so why shouldn't you. Your child will have football/dance classes/play dates etc so no reason they should feel burdened or lonely like pp have stated. You can go to baby classes, toddler classes. Iv met some of my best friends through children.

If you had posted saying I'm having a baby & stated you had enough money, a house etc & said the father wouldn't be around & you didn't have any family or support & that you were lonely you would have got a very different response I'm sure.

Being a single parent is lonely, every evening when the kids are in bed your on your own albeit with a million things to do, when they are up all night being sick you have no one to help, they are screaming & your trying to change sheets, hold them & a sick bucket. For me it's all worth it. But what do I know, you could always just get a cat Hmm. Just be sure you have a child because you want a child not a companion. The little buggers will drop you in an instant for a better offer.

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