Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 18:08

Of course there's nothing wrong with you. You thought they were spare toys which many people might assume. Honestly stop over thinking you this OP.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 18:08

Random you sorry.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 18:09

. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra

So why did contrary Mary change her mind?

CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 18:10

Please stop beating yourself up OP, you're not going to change the fact that it had happened.

Personally, I wouldn't have asked, however, I don't think that you are a terrible person for having asked - we are all different - and if I had been asked by someone when I was hosting a party I wouldn't have bothered my arse about it and would have happily handed out a spare.

I actually think it says more about the other Mum if she is acting arsey with you, she could have just said very politely no.

Stop overanalysing it all, hold your head up high, and move on.

Don't let class status get in the way of anything either, sometimes all we have in common with other Mums is the fact that we have children and that's where it begins and ends.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 18:12

So why did contrary Mary change her mind?

Changed her mind about what? Confused

MyCatIsBonkers · 19/09/2018 18:12

I don't think you were rude OP. It wouldn't bother me being asked if I were party mum. I have AS though so find these social games weird and don't understand why people can't just be open and honest with each other.

sparklepops123 · 19/09/2018 18:13

You asked politely, she said yes. If she wasn't happy she should of said so, don't feel bad

GnomeDePlume · 19/09/2018 18:14

I think the reason you didnt see it as rude in the moment was that you were thinking only that the toys were 'spare' and that you could save an argument at home. You were focused on what was 'needed' for your family rather than that these toys did still belong to the host.

Do you see how it could be perceived as rude now?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 18:15

The way she's treated the OP suggests she didn't want to give her an extra toy and imo should have said so when originally asked instead of saying it was fine.

Butterymuffin · 19/09/2018 18:18

I disagree with the majority here - I am a stickler for manners generally and this wouldn't have bothered me. You clearly asked politely and checked whether they were spares, rather than demanding one. I always have spares of anything in party bags, just in case - having the exact number is asking for trouble and not worth it when it's small cheap things anyway. I don't know why she reacted like this, but what I would say is that people's reactions are often telling you something about them rather than something about you or what you've done. Don't worry! Flowers

SunnyCoco · 19/09/2018 18:20

Don’t worry love, I’m sure you’re just overthinking it, it all sounds ok 👍 xx

Upsy1981 · 19/09/2018 18:22

I just wonder something as I am an only child and have an only child, I don't mean this rudely...is it normal to always have to give sibling something when other child is getting something? I have had this at parties, can I take a party bag for little brother? etc (not a problem, usually do some spare), and also people who give sibling something on other child's birthday. I don't understand it. Surely you just tell other child its not their special day/friend's party or whatever but on their day, they will get the stuff and other child won't? I may be missing the point though as have no direct experience of sibling relationships or parenting siblings.

RagamuffinCat · 19/09/2018 18:22

I think you are overthinking it. If someone asked me if they could take an extra one, I wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered. Especially since she seemingly had even more left over, hence her asking if anyone else wanted theirs! I would just be glad to not have so many left over to be honest.

Upsy1981 · 19/09/2018 18:23

To answer the question, everyone probably just feels a bit awkward but its just one of those social things and everyone should move on.

silver1977 · 19/09/2018 18:26

I am sorry but I would be very wary of you going forward

Ridiculous thing to say or even think. My god if we all have to watch every little thing we say or do and analyse everything incase people are 'wary' of us in future...well....how exhausting!

OP the other mum may not have felt awkward around you at all, she may have been a bit flustered or thinking of something else she was doing, you admit yourself you may have read that wrong.

I don't understand why you would think that message was aimed at you maybe she was saying quite the opposite, that there were spares so did anyone leave one? You taking one still left more, not short. I know you struggle with confidence but I really think you are over-thinking this one so don't beat yourself up or waste anymore time thinking about it. Like a pp said, just act normally around her now or else it would seem odd!

I bet she hasn't given it another thought!

Needahairbrush · 19/09/2018 18:29

Why don’t you message her something along the lines of... thanks for inviting xx to the party she had s great time. I’m sorry I put you on the spot asking about taking the toy, xxx was pestering me about for her sister, I didn’t think how this would come across to you.
Words along those lines? I’m sure she will say no worries.

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 18:31

I honestly would leave it now! It could just end up more embarrassing for the OP. If the woman continues to treat OP oddly then she's clearly quite a petty individual.

numptynuts · 19/09/2018 18:32

Mouse farts

troodiedoo · 19/09/2018 18:32

not meaning to derail, but have to ask: are kids party WhatsApp groups a thing now?

ExileOnMNStreet · 19/09/2018 18:33

@UsualName, look you're probably going to get loads of helpful advice about how not to act at parties if you're nervous and prone to overthinking...

The best advice you will get however is never ever start a thread on AIBU Wink

Not only are people extremely keen to use the words entitled/snowflake/cheeky fucker, some won't RTFT and you'll get 8 more pages of it, after you have had it beaten into you acknowledged the majority verdict Grin

FWIW, I wouldn't have thought you were rude and it wouldn't have bothered me at all. If you do however still feel (after your kicking here) awkward about it, have you done a thank you note for the party? If not I would do one, perhaps you could pop a tiny equivalent gift with it to say thanks for the extra going home thing for the sibling?

At the end of my DC's parties I was so exhausted and grateful to survive, your request wouldn't have even registered as rude, I would just be grateful you and your DC attended tbh. Especially if you RSVP'd in good time Wink

I hope this thread hasn't upset you too much.

Fraying · 19/09/2018 18:35

Ah, don't worry about it. I always have leftover party bag tat so although I wouldn't offer extras for other siblings who weren't there, I wouldn't mind at all if someone asked to take extra home. The other mum was probably just bemused that you'd mentioned it again and she probably wondered if there was something in the wording of her message that had made you feel uncomfortable.

BobbyDazzler1 · 19/09/2018 18:35

Really? Is it only me that thinks this is a fuss over nothing??
So OP asks for a toy for other child - is that really such a big deal to the extent that party mum can't bring herself to talk to OP the next day? Really? Am I missing something here. Middle class ridiculous IMO !!!

clyde5591 · 19/09/2018 18:36

YABU - by asking you put other Mum in a very awkward position by asking for an extra small toy and does not matter whether £50 or 50p these party gifts have to be budgeted into the cost of any party.

I don't believe anyone posting here thought it was an expensive toy, still a shellfish thing to ask to save yourself any demands from younger child.

As you say 'she could have said no' not really to be honest as good manners wouldn't have allowed that response. 'You thought it would not matter' but it does.

t would be better to address the issue this time rather than 'I will know next time'

Ophelialovescats · 19/09/2018 18:37

Poor OP ! I don't believe you were rude . You asked the part host and she said yes .
She should have said "no ".
It reminds me of a slightly different but related incident where one of my daughters was very unhappy at being given s sparkly bag as a gift when the boys were given snakes . I asked could she have a snake instead and was told that they were only for the boys !!!
She must have felt bad because a snake was delivered through out letter box later that day .....RESULT !!

Cel982 · 19/09/2018 18:37

Tell her (in person or on phone or even a note), you felt rotten afterwards about asking, it was purely spontaneous, etc. Hope she wasn't offended.

Say you have or are going to make a small donation to local charity in appreciation of the extra gift.

You can't be serious. It was a Poundland-type toy and there were clearly extras. If I were the host I'd have been only too glad for someone else to take home some of the leftover tat.

Honestly, OP, this is such a non-event that I really think she must be upset about something else entirely (and likely nothing to do with you). Please don't bring it up with her again, that would seem a bit odd and obsessive.