Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

[UsualName]

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

Don't worry about it!!! In the grand scheme of things its really not that big a deal!

I was daft once, and I mean awful tbh, I took my son to a friends birthday party, and he burst into tears, and so I asked if his big brother could stay and help him settle. The Mum thought this fine, and I left.

When I went to get him, I found out he had cried the entire time, his brother had been trying to calm him to no avail, the mum had spent ages trying to cheer him up and was very cool towards me (understandably so, as she probably thought I pawned off my wailing brats at any opportunity!), and I felt so so awful....I never left my kids in a state, I just hadn't wanted him to miss out. So, I bought a big cake and took it round to them to apologise, plus spent the next week looking after my son, who actually had an inner ear infection! Whoops!

Not that I think you need to do this, but maybe if you see this Mum, give her a big smile, and talk about anything other than the blooming toy! You've done nowt wrong! :-)

@UsualName

Whether it was a £2 toy or a £20 toy, you should not have expected one for your other child. Surely he has to learn that if his sister goes to a party, that she will probably get a toy/lucky bag, and he won't get one.

Your daughter gets this right???

I mean, do you ask for extra gifts for your other child every time one goes somewhere that the other doesn't? Are you one of these parents who buys one child gifts for their birthday, and some for the other child too, so they don't feel 'left out?'

You are in the wrong, and YABU. You are setting a bad precedent, by creating 'entitled' children.

I think you need to fix this with your friend, as you DID put her on the spot, and the more she thought about it, the more she pissed off she got. I don't think you were rude, but more like 'a bit cheeky' I would say.

Message her, maybe text, or email, and say you're sorry if you asking for the extra toy made her feel awkward and it won't happen again.

I agree with a few posters though, that she probably should have said no, but as I said, she was put on the spot...

I think she acted a bit strangely, because it is quite strange to go and apologise for something that she'd probably forgot about. Or maybe she thought you were on the hustle for another glowstick......

Seriously OP forget it. There will be folks on that school run who are expecting other parents to take their LOs home for tea 3nights per week and provide fulltime childcare in the holidays...

Don't get upset over it. Leave her be and it'll be fine. Just avoid asking for extras in future, it's no biggie but it's just made an awkward situation out of nothing.

OP, I also get nervous in social situations, and when feeling overwhelmed, I lose whatever innate sense of instinct or judgement it is which makes most people not make a tit of themselves. I've said/done/asked things which, in retrospect, were completely inappropriate.

I don't think I can ever change this entirely, but I try to keep it under control by:

• recognising that, for many people, the initial faux pas is much less grating than my subsequent attempts to 'right' it, ie explain myself, apologise, apologise again, signal how upset I am to have possible upset them. Unless you've genuinely hurt someone's feelings, this is actually quite annoying, and gives people the impression that you are quite self-absorbed or needy. Tell me it's okay! Tell me you still like me!

• admitting that I project a lot of my anxiety onto other people, and it's not fair. People are busy with their own lives and thoughts. They might not even notice I've said something stupid, or they might not care, and I've created a whole drama in my head about how much they hate me, and written that into their every word and glance.

• trying not to think of myself as this poor misfit underdog, and everyone else as socially adept cliquey mean girls. It means I'm going into social situations with a chip on my shoulder, which makes me more anxious. Most people are just trying to enjoy or endure social situations: they're not looking for me to screw up.

So, one thousand words later, the message is... don't over-analyze? Yes. I see no conflict here.

It doesn't really make sense that she would be that uncomfortable about you brining it up if the issue was that she thought you were rude to ask in the first. Since you were basically apologising for having asked, she surely would have been pleased to hear what you said at the school gates? Not even more uncomfortable than she had been at the party.

What I'm trying to say is if I thought someone rudely asked for an extra toy, I would be happy that they later said "I hope it was OK for me to take one extra and did you have enough", not mad about it.

Given how much you're fretting over something that sounds like a total non-event (mildly awkward at worst), I'd say it's more likely that you misread her reaction or she was upset about something else entirely.

Whether it was a £2 toy or a £20 toy, you should not have expected one for your other child

There was no expectation @LindaLee3

Hence the OP “asking”.

Christ’s tits - this thread.

the OP has done nowt wrong except cause a minor social faux pas with another socially awkward individual.

She’s not rude, grabby, cheeky not raising entitled brats.

Grips all round everybody, grips grips grips.

I imagine she had no clue what you were on about and her expression was bemusement

I don't see how it's rude to ask a question, especially if you word it politely and give them a clear chance to say no

I agree with this. I don't get how it's rude at all. Taking one without asking would have been rude. Asking isn't at all.

Overthinking.

You might have put her on the spot (and it’s not alway easy to just say no) but it wasn’t for an expensive item and there were some extras. So - I wouldn’t have asked, most people wouldn’t judging by this thread - but it’s not a big deal.

Have you considered that her different attitude today could have been:

• she had something else entirely on her mind?
• she didn’t mind in the slightest about the extra toy, but thought you were being OTT bringing it up again, rather than the original request. And not even massively bothered, just “what? What are you on about?” type feeling.
• or that her attitude actually wasn’t that different at all, it was you interpreting her differently because you were worried?

Forget it.

And don’t build these women up as “rich and showy” in your head. She usually chats, she invited your daughter to the party, and she’s hardly showy based on the cheap toys!

I think people didn't want them so she was worried she'd bought shit toys. I think you shouldn't have asked but then shouldn't have asked again when it was already done.

You shouldn't have asked for another toy.

Then again, I wouldn't have let you take one

I didn’t think it was rude to ask. If I had a party and ended up with lots of little toys knocking about I’d rather someone took them off me and found a good use for them. My house has enough tat already. The price would play a part though as I wouldn’t part with a £20 toy just like that as I could gift it to someone later, but if a mum asked for a little glowy plastic thing I’d be happy to let them have it, especially if it was going to make their little one happy. If you don’t ask you don’t get eh?

I seem to be in the minority here though. Either way, I wouldn’t mention it again and just move on.

People on mumsnet seem to love jumping on anyone doing anything that could be thought even slightly unreasonable.

In the real world, this is not a remotely big deal. Really. Turn mumsnet off and breathe.

Oh do bore off @paulhollywoodsexgut

I am entitled to my opinion. The OP asked in the OP, put a bit of drip feeding in, and is getting responses.

Maybe you should not be on AIBU if you get so ranty so easily.

OP-please don't fret about what is really a minor incident. Lots of people on AIBU make a point of giving the OP a good kicking regardless of context. Your request really wasn't a big deal and some posters delight in being smug and nasty.

You don't have to keep dwelling on this .. it was a bit cheeky but just forget it ... it's a tiny thing that happened .. let it go OP .. it will soon be forgotten by everyone and it's not worth another minutes thought! Go and get a cup of tea and watch some crap telly

And SOME people on MN love to jump on posters who DARE to not massage the OP's fragile ego.

Jesus wept!

Not EVERYONE is going to say there there it's OK hun. Get a grip!

I think this is being blown out of proportion - by you the party mum and some posters here.

Kids parties are stressful. Parties bags are stressful - there’s always the worry you won’t have enough - even though you always have too many. I love doing party bags, and always make a few extra incase little brothers or sisters turn up at home time. I happily hand them out. It would be a little odd if someone asked for two - but I would recover!!

I think the bottom line is you probably shouldn’t have asked. But when you did she should have said she only had enough for the party goers and she still needed to give some out.

Of course she may also be offended that some left without their gift- if it is a showy group maybe she feels the other mums didn’t think the presents were worth taking. You never know what goes on in people’s minds.

Anyway you have taken the gift, you have apologised and you have learnt not to ask again. Time to be kind to yourself and move on. It’s a very minor faux pas. She didn’t walk in on you shagging her dad during musical chairs!!!!

I think it's clear that a few posters up there ^ are also CFs!!!

That is why they are so defensive and arsey, and blowing smoke up the OP's ass!.

op, just to reassure you, had it been my party; i would not have thought you rude for asking for an extra toy for sibling. I would have said yes. Oh no, if there wasnt enough and not given it another thought. I often wrap cake for kids to take home for sibling if i know they jave them. Its normal, here

I'd have given you them all quite happily! I'd assume if parent wanted you for child or wanted one they'd have taken it.

And I wouldn't want more crap than necessary whilst trying to find space for birthday presents too!

I don't think you did anything wrong or she should have felt uncomfortable. She could have said no!

Ahhh...just read your post where you say they are all rich families. That will ecplain it then. All, this crap faux-politeness/mannerz of the middle classes. Ignore the fuckers, no actual class, at all

She didn’t walk in on you shagging her dad during musical chairs!!!!

What now??
I want to hear THAT story kiddingme!