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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
Original poster
UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:49

I feel so out of place with the Mums at this school. All of the families are so rich and showy. We did not know when we moved to the area. I feel they look down on us because we are not. I already feel like I'm struggling to fit in. This feels like a big thing to me. I don't need something else making me feel like I'm an odd weirdo.

Why didn't I see this as being inappropriate? It seems rude to everyone on here, so why did it not seem rude to me?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 17:49

She probably should have said the toys were left for the children that had attended.
Try not to worry too much OP, you've tried to talk to her about it.

FilledSoda · 19/09/2018 17:50

It could have been worse, you could have brought the sibling to the party.
It's not th e end of the world op

Deadringer · 19/09/2018 17:50

It was a bit rude of you to ask, but I have been asked similar at my dcs parties and while I might be taken aback I would soon forget about it. I don't think her message was aimed at you at all and I think you need to just forget about it now it's really not a big deal. The very fact that she had to ask people if they wanted the toys indicates that no one was that bothered about them. Try to forget about it, she surely will.

Celebelly · 19/09/2018 17:51

Honestly, it would be so far down my list of things to get upset about or hold a grudge about. I wouldn't worry about it (although I'm pretty laid back and can't really work up the energy to get upset about something absurd like a cheap toy at a kid's party). Some people just get a disproportionate about things for whatever reason. I'm sure she'll get over it!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 17:53

If a mum had asked me I would have said " oh sorry they're for the children that were here, really sorry " that's all she needed to say.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 17:53

Some people just get a disproportionate about things for whatever reason. I'm sure she'll get over it!

To be fair, we don't even know that the other mum is at all bothered about it. We have the OP's take on it, but by her own admission she's not great at judging social behaviour, so who knows?

NoSleepTil2030 · 19/09/2018 17:54

I don't think it was rude, as it seemed like the toys were spare and she was going to have to think of things to do with them. She could have said no if they weren't spare.

But then I am weird and socially awkward (and often wish people could just be direct as I fail at all this reading between the lines stuff that goes on) so probably not the person to ask Grin

EvilEdna1 · 19/09/2018 17:54

I think it went like this....you asked for the extra toy, she paused thinking do I have spare?, decided it would probably be ok to let you have one. She may have been slightly taken aback but nothing major. Then she got home and realised there were too many left over so a child must have not taken theirs. So she posts that message. Then you approached her to check you had not taken a child'd toy from them and she thinks 'crap, she thinks that message was a dig at her - how awkward'...so acts awkwardly. The best thing you can do is act normally around her and the awkwardness will seep away.

user1487194234 · 19/09/2018 17:55

IMHO
YWVU
I am sorry but I would be very wary of you going forward

Original poster
UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:56

I said that she could have said that earlier in the thread GreatDuck, but that did not go down too well.

Look, the responses have got nicer since you've realised that I'm feeling really upset about it. But the instant reaction was that this was an incredibly rude thing for me to do. So really, how I feel about it should not matter. It's how it looks to her and others.

OP posts:
Abandonedabroad · 19/09/2018 17:57

I am sorry but I would be very wary of you going forward

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say Hmm

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 17:57

I am sorry but I would be very wary of you going forward

Don't be a dick Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 18:00

I didn't think you were rude OP. If anything the other woman sounds a bit odd. I can't imagine why anyone would let you take one knowing they were for the children that had left and then be all weird about it when you mentioned it at school. Just bonkers.

Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 18:00

She could have said no but in all likelihood felt on the spot. You were being very cheeky to ask though.

There is no rule book OP. We learn from each other or social convention or parents and sometimes we might get these things wrong. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 18:01

'Wrong' being subjective anyway

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 18:01

the responses have got nicer since you've realised that I'm feeling really upset about it

No, it's more a case of since you clarified that it was a glowstick/tube of bubbles type of toy. From your original post people were imagining something far more extravagant

dudsville · 19/09/2018 18:01

I read the 1st and last page. This is ridiculous. You asked a question. She gave an answer. Your question was not rude. If anything I'd suggest you scrutinise this less. She's responsible for her answer. (And you may be prone to "over analysing"?)

troodiedoo · 19/09/2018 18:02

OP this is Aibu which means you'll get torn to pieces whatever you say. if you are sensitive it's not a good place to post.

the woman had just hosted a kids party so she probably wasn't at her best. she's likely just glad it's all over now for another year. forget about it.

Original poster
UsualName · 19/09/2018 18:03

Don't worry, I'm the kind of person who faces my own limitations head-on. If we don't look at our own mistakes and weaknesses then we never change, right?

I'm worried about why it did not occur to me that it was that rude though, when it seems obvious to almost all of the people on here. Could there be something wrong with me?

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 19/09/2018 18:04

Tell her (in person or on phone or even a note), you felt rotten afterwards about asking, it was purely spontaneous, etc. Hope she wasn't offended.

Say you have or are going to make a small donation to local charity in appreciation of the extra gift.

She will be delighted and forever after consider you a really great person - which you are!

Celebelly · 19/09/2018 18:05

I am sorry but I would be very wary of you going forward

HAHA. God I love Mumsnet.

NiamhNaomh · 19/09/2018 18:05

Meh we’ve all made social faux pas’. I actually think you are more socially aware than you realise becacuse there are many people more socially confident who would do the same as you have and never given it a second thought. You questioned it and learned from the experience, all good.

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 18:05

Maybe it’s how you were brought up OP? If it was a perfectly normal thing amongst your family then it wouldn’t seem rude to you.

For example, my friends that had a different upbringing to me often invite themselves to my home or turn up uninvited for a cup of tea and a chat, which to my parents and colleagues would be considered extremely rude. I’d prefer some notice and find it a but intrusive but I also know that they’d love for me to just pop round to say hello and so it’s not at all rude. They probably think it rude that I don’t turn up uninvited! They’d also ask to borrow clothing or things that I own - “Oh that’s a lovely dress, I’m going to a wedding next month, can I borrow it?” which amongst other people I know would be considered really cheeky. Again, they’d happily let me borrow something (but I’d never ask because I’d feel rude!).

Try and see it like a cultural difference, if that helps.

Chrisinthemorning · 19/09/2018 18:07

OP you sound like you have anxiety. It wasn’t the social norm to ask but to me it isn’t a huge deal, try not to be too upset.
At DS party I had one mum message to ask if she could bring younger sibling- answer yes. I catered for and did a party bag for both children and neither turned up on the day.
That’s far ruder and I’m still speaking to the mum.