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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 17:23

I'm in the minority here. But for a small toy like that I don't think you was rude

Well yeah, but the fact that they were teeny cheap novelty things got dripped in after the fact, given that they were apparently too 'outing' to be detailed in the first post (though I'm not sure how not identifying the toys anonymises this, as its the actual the scenario itself that makes the entire thing identifiable!)

AsAProfessionalFekko · 19/09/2018 17:25

Don't be upset - you were just thinking of your other child. You have a good few more years of one going to a party without the other. I've had parents and nannies help themselves to party bags!

I really wouldn't have bothered if you'd asked me for a little toy for a wee brother. She probably felt embarrassed that you asked her (as if she hadn't been truthful before) or maybe she had had moans about the toys supplied (some people really do critique the contents party bags!).

CluedoAddict · 19/09/2018 17:26

You were very cheeky to ask. She probably didn't know how to respond.

Luvly12 · 19/09/2018 17:26

Oh god just read your last post OP and now I feel bad for my post above!
Don't get upset over it. None of us were there so don't know the context and anyway as you say it's only a wee novelty toy. Don't let this eat away at you.

FlowersCakeBrew

TrippingTheVelvet · 19/09/2018 17:26

Ah, I feel for you a bit OP. You live and you learn.

But no, it's rude to ask in pretty much every situation to have things that aren't yours. It doesn't matter whether it's expensive or not, if people don't mind you having it they will offer.

Busyworkingbee · 19/09/2018 17:27

Maybe so, but if I seen spare and I was the mum doing the party I'd still say, sure take one and not be bothered by it al all.
I'm sure it she was polite and making someone feel bad about something so minor is a bit daft IMO.
Like I say we all think differently.
I doubt if it was an expensive to she would have asked.

TwitterQueen1 · 19/09/2018 17:27

Don't cry - put it down to experience. You weren't sure so you asked the question on here, and now you do know and you won't do it again. We all make mistakes. And we don't learn without them.

It doesn't matter whether it was a $2 toy or a $10 toy (bloody keyboard has decided it's American...), you don't ask for things for siblings. And there's no such thing as a 'spare' toy btw - they're generally kept for the next party!

Original poster
UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:27

Luvly - I get nervous so over-compensate by coming across quite confident. I try to hide it.

OP posts:
SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 17:27

God, this is actually making me cry

You're making way too big a deal of it. Yes, it was a bit off to ask, but its done now so all you can do is try to forget about it. The other mum clearly doesn't want to make any more of an issue of it, and it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 19/09/2018 17:28

Don’t be upset but yes, it was very cheeky to ask. I wouldn’t have. But it’s done now, you can’t change it. Don’t bring it up with the Mum again, she clearly felt unable to say no on the spot. She might be uncomfortable in social situations too. Give her space and learn from it.

Thisisforyouthebeautifullisett · 19/09/2018 17:28

She may be nervous in social situations, too.

This! I have ASD and social anxiety and I have to remind myself that other people may have these things too. Or they might just be distracted, or having an off day, or...

Even NT, socially skilled people get it wrong sometimes.

Look, it was rude to ask given that you don't really know her so she wouldn't have felt free to say no. But given that there were clearly extra toys left over, it sounds like there was no harm done. I would let it go and now you just know for next time that it's not really the done thing to ask (so many children have brothers/sisters at home and parents can't provide treats for every single one of them!)

Don't beat yourself up. None of us is perfect and the mother concerned clearly isn't either. It doesn't make either of you a bad person Smile

GreenMeerkat · 19/09/2018 17:30

@UsualName

I do exactly the same. I get nervous so act over confident and often come across badly. I probably wouldn't have asked myself but as others have said, you know that now.

I don't think she is going to hold it against you but by the sound of it, she seems likely to have a bit of social anxiety too. She probably wanted to say no and didn't feel she could.

It's fine though, it's done now. Don't bring it up again and just move on

upsideup · 19/09/2018 17:32

So incredibly rude to ask.
Your other child didnt go to the party, why would you expect this mum to spend money (even if its only £2) on a random child to save you having to deal with an arguement? If you were concerned about that you should have gone out and bought it yourself.

Original poster
UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:34

SheCameFromGreece - Have you read these responses? Quite clearly, it is a big deal! I feel awful.

OP posts:
thisisforyouthebeautifullisett · 19/09/2018 17:38

UsualName it's really not a big deal! People are just answering your question. It's not a hanging offence. I can assure you that most of us would barely give it a second thought, even if we did think it wasn't quite the done thing. This mother clearly has something else going on as well, just like you do. I bet she wouldn't imagine for a second that you were so worked up about this, just as you have no idea what's running through her head when she 'seems off'.

Give yourself a break, you've not done anything terrible Flowers

londonrach · 19/09/2018 17:39

Very rude of you to ask.

Abandonedabroad · 19/09/2018 17:39

Don’t be upset let alone cry OP! It’s a complete non issue and really not worth it. People on here always respond to these things in a really OTT critical way, it’s really not that bad at all so please stop worrying Smile

BGD2012 · 19/09/2018 17:39

It is no big deal and no harm done. It'll be forgotten soon. x

Luvly12 · 19/09/2018 17:39

OP ask MN to pull the thread. You're going to have 10 pages of this and it's going to make you feel worse! Tell MN the thread is too identifying & ask them to pull it asap.
I'm sorry for my post and my part in making you feel bad x

KurriKurri · 19/09/2018 17:41

Don;t get upset, you weren't incredibly rude, you may have slightly misread the situation and made a minor social gaff at worst. Really nothing any normal person would then be offy with you about.

Put it out of your head and forget it, really - it's over and done and certainly not worth crying about. It really isn't a big deal and people saying it is obviously have lives full of very small deals.

DisneyMillie · 19/09/2018 17:42

I really wouldn’t worry too much - probably don’t do similar again but it’s low down on the list of CF for parties. I ended up always getting extra party bags when I held parties for dd as school friends would often turn up with siblings without notice who would want to take part in the party, food and party bags. (but I still was fine with it - it’s just little kids having fun)

LookMoreCloselier · 19/09/2018 17:46

Don't feel bad OP, it's not a big deal, if she had messaged asking if the others wanted their party bag toys they had left, then she must have still had enough even with your DD taking an extra for her brother. You didn't need to clarify with her afterwards, but it was polite of you to, maybe she had something else going on which made her react like that.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 19/09/2018 17:46

Quite clearly, it is a big deal! I feel awful

It really isn't a big deal, even though it might feel like it now. As someone said up thread, it's a social gaffe and it's embarrassing, but in the grand scheme of your life, and hers, it's not important.

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 17:47

I think that inadvertently you could have come across as a bit cheeky/pushy. I had a friend who in all innocence used to do this kind of thing and had no idea how rudely it could come across. This was partly due to the fact that her own family and she she herself were all very generous, non-precious, what’s mine is yours kind of people and would share everything so she assumed everyone else was the same.

Look, I know it feels mortifying now but we all make faux pas - just see this as a learning situation.

Just let it drop now and don’t bring it up to her again. Act as normal as possible, just be as friendly and polite as always. If she’s weird with you then that’s a bit daft and petty of her but you might have to accept a change in the relationship. Most likely it will all be forgotten about in a few weeks.

In future, I tend to find that if anything is left over at the end of a party, a host will tend to offer and say “does anyone want to take these back for siblings/want any extra cake or sandwiches to take home? I’ve loads left and I’ll only have to put it in the bin!”

You should never ask, only graciously accept if something is offered to you.

It’s also quite common for parents to pick up a little something extra on the way home for a sibling who might be jealous...so if it was bubbles for example, if you didn’t want to encourage party DC to share you could always pick some extra up at the supermarket for the other child or tell them you’ll get them some the next time they are in town. It’s not fair to expect a party host to provide extra for a sibling that wasn’t at the party...they might have wanted to give any left over to their own child, child’s siblings or cousins.

She could have been more assertive and said, “actually not everyone took one so I’m going to take them into school on Monday, sorry!” but she was in a bit of an awkward situation herself. You know now and I’m sure you won’t do it again! Try not to feel too down 💐

Celebelly · 19/09/2018 17:48

I think it depends on your relationship with the woman as to whether it was rude or not. If it was a close friend, then I'd have no problem asking (and they would have no problem saying no if it wasn't OK). For a casual acquaintance, I wouldn't mention it unless specifically offered.

I think, though, that a toy worth a couple of quid isn't really worth getting her knickers in a twist about. It might surprise me that someone had asked, but actually probably not - if there weren't enough I just would have said so. So it's a storm in a teacup.