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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
Original poster
UsualName · 20/09/2018 20:48

Thank you for your feedback and those who have reassured me xxx
Feel a bit better now.

Just a few corrections I'd like to make:

We call each other cheeky buggers all the time in my extended family and friends back home!

Someone above said I'd taken the sibling to the party - I did not.

Also, my references to the posts being mean came very early on in this thread, when they were 99% negative up to that point - look at the early stuff.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 20/09/2018 20:50

You’re overthinking. What’s done is done

Ohluckyme · 20/09/2018 20:52

If shes bothered about that then she really needs to get a hobby

startingagain13 · 20/09/2018 20:54

Hi I think it wasn't a big deal to ask assuming you did it nicely, which you sound like you did. You sound like a sensitive woman and kind, so I wouldn't worry and move on.x

tinkerbellindisguise · 20/09/2018 20:58

Oh my goodness @UsualName this is the exact kind of thing I would do and then worry about it no end, I always do and say the most socially awkward things and just want to kick myself afterwards. I don't think things through before I act and I also can see it from the party mum's point of view because I'd say yes without thinking. I feel really awkward saying no to people!

I also hate etiquette because I feel like there's an unwritten rule book we're all meant to know about and I never know whether what I'm doing is social acceptable or not. I really don't think it's the end of the world that you asked for the bubbles or whatever they were. And it's really not the rudest thing you could have done, in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter but I know that if you're anything like me nothing anyone says will change the fact you will think about this forever more.

Now just imagine if you'd got your hand bag and started filling it up with leftover party food, that would be rude and I kid you not, people did that at my wedding, without asking....

DonkeyHotei · 20/09/2018 21:01

OP, can't be bothered to read the rest of the thread (I'm only on page 1 and it's already cram-packed with weirdos). Look you did nothing wrong: anyone who is shitty over this tiny non-issue is a very small-souled person and not someone you need to worry about. Dear Lord, don't let either AIBU or this idiotic woman make you cry. Flowers

noj1980 · 20/09/2018 21:03

All you did was think of your other child.. it's not such a big issue. You asked rather than took, which in my book is not cheeky at all since it would have probably been thrown. Ignore those trying to make you feel worseSmile

2ndaryInfertilityage30 · 20/09/2018 21:18

Ok - everyone it’s a plastic party bag toy. This is what it has been described as, Discarded pound shop type tat, which we all end up throwing out. Get a grip, the party mum was over reacting in a big way. Bigger things to focus on in life people...

katrin174 · 20/09/2018 21:36

Aww I feel for you I also get a bit nervous in social situations and ive said and done things before I think. In this situation i wouldnt worry . Its a little toy that the kids wont play with after a day or 2. Dont let it upset you the lady sounds like shes being a bit over dramatic. Just act normally next time you see her and dont mention it again.

TheRobotsAreComing · 20/09/2018 22:00

OP - I wouldnt have been fussed at all if you had asked at my kids party. If this woman says yes to your face but actually means no then I wouldnt want much to do with her anyway. Some of these comments are so heavy for such a little post! Flowers

user1473460538 · 20/09/2018 22:32

It wouldn’t have bothered me at all, it’s a kids party for God’s sake, but then I don’t sweat the small stuff and you should try not to either op, I work with seriously ill people now that is something to make you evaluate the bigger things in life. Flowers

Tunaandbobby · 20/09/2018 23:51

I personally wouldn’t have asked but I’m just not confident enough to ask.
If it had been my party and a mum had asked for a toy for a sibling I’d have definitely said yes if there were enough and wouldn’t have thought anymore about it. I wouldn’t have thought them cheeky for asking. If there weren’t enough I think I would have just thought it’s tough on the people who have left without one. It’s not like it’s an expensive toy from what you’ve said.
Stop worrying about it. What’s done is done.

Twinmombambi · 21/09/2018 05:26

U have got such nerve to ask for an extra toy. Shouldn't you be teaching your kids the value in sharing? YABU

Cococabongo · 21/09/2018 06:26

I just read the first few pages then skipped to here, wasn't rude. If you'd have asked me and it was spare and I saw the sibling I'd say no bother take it away.

She probably wanted to take them back to the £1 shop to get her money back for the unused ones. Posh people are stingy, don't think people get rich from being generous. She probably had to miss out on her daily £6 vegan latte from an overpriced chic coffee bar because of you!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/09/2018 07:17

U have got such nerve to ask for an extra toy. Shouldn't you be teaching your kids the value in sharing? YABU

I'm sure there's a competition between some posters on this thread to see who can come up the most twatty comment.

Mrsharper88 · 21/09/2018 08:19

I don't think ywbu. It was the end of the party, the other kids had left, there was spare cheap toys lying around that other kids hadn't taken so you asked to take one for dc who wasn't at the party. If this happened at my kids party I really wouldn't have thought anything of it and certainly wouldn't have held it against the other person. I'm surprised at the response from other posters on here. The mum should have said no if it was a problem.

Don't worry yourself about it. But maybe don't do anything like this again unless you know the parent well enough to guess their reaction. Hope this mum gets over it quickly - if you want to clear the air then you could offer to replace the toy if one of the kids who didn't collect their toy now wants it but she really should have said no if it was going to be an issue xx

noj1980 · 21/09/2018 08:55

Twinmombambi

U have got such nerve to ask for an extra toy. Shouldn't you be teaching your kids the value in sharing? YABU

What kind of silly response is that.. I'm guessing by most of the responses here that half these people never got invited to a party or got their plastic toy! It's a party FGS, it's supposed to be fun!

goldenpug · 21/09/2018 09:41

Can’t believe this thread is still going. It’s as if it’s about a major problem. It’s not a big deal, the only ones who think it is are the ones who enjoy making the OP feel bad, rather than just reassure her, and tell her that it’s not a big deal.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/09/2018 09:46

Yes, I think some posters just love to disagree and make people feel bad no matter what the circumstances are. It's a non issue. Laughable that people are up in arms over a bit of tat left over at a children's party.

SwanConvoy · 21/09/2018 10:05

In my view it is her who is being a little odd not you. I don't have kids though so maybe I am out of the loop on this type of thing.

If I was giving out token gifts at an event and someone asked me for one more and I had spares, I would offer it without hesitation. It would make me a little happy to be honest that people liked them and wanted another!

Is a little strange of her to send a message asking if anyone had left without one. Like who would really care at that point? Party is over, everyone has moved on.

Seriously, do not dwell on this you have done nothing weird at all. Back yourself, you are just as good as anyone else at this school. Money and wealth means nothing.

Kaybush · 21/09/2018 10:19

@SirVixofVixHall but this wasn't an actual party bag but a small toy that cost about £2.

Your post comes across as incredibly patronising.

SnorkFavour · 21/09/2018 10:49

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, it was rude, but your mum thought it was fine to put someone in that position there's where you've got this from, you've been brought up that way.

I think it was rude because although the lady could have said no, she shouldn't have had to say no in the first place because the question should never have been asked.

However, you realise it probably wasn't the right thing to do now, so kudos to you, even with an entitled mum.

Kaybush · 21/09/2018 11:09

@UsualName I really hope you're still reading this because I think nearly ALL the posters on hear saying you were rude have not read your first post properly.

To all those posters, the OP was asking to take a small toy that cost about £2, NOT a party bag!!

Also, it was at the end of the party and there seemed to be a few left over.

I live in an affluent area and some of my school mum friends can be a bit judgy sometimes and I can almost guarantee none of them, including me, would have a problem giving a cheap, spare toy away to a sibling at the end of a party!

SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2018 13:16

@Kaybush I didn’t intend at all to be patronising, so I am sorry if it came over as such. It is hard to convey tone accurately on here I think. I was trying to reassure the op that although it is a rude thing to do, everyone make a faux pas at some point. I certainly have done. (The cost of the thing is irrelevant though surely? )

PorkFlute · 21/09/2018 13:25

Well I’m sure no-one would give a shit about giving away a £2 toy but of course it’s a little rude to ask for something for an uninvited sibling rather than waiting to be offered. You wouldn’t ask for a party bag and the contents of one of those would quite possibly be around the £2 mark. The op doesn’t need patronising because she’s upset. You can be honest and supportive. It WAS a little lacking in etiquette to ask BUT I very much doubt the other mum has given it a second thought and is very unlikely to be being off with the op about it. I suspect the ops feelings about the issue are causing her to misinterpret the other mums behaviour.