Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
canadianbanana · 20/09/2018 18:15

First, I think it was inappropriate to ask for a toy for your other child, as he wasn’t a guest at the party.

Couldn't she have said - "Actually I bought one for each child, so I'd better hold on to them just in case they forgot it". She could have basically said 'no'? Yes, she could have, but you put her in an awkward position, and she was probably put on the spot, and tried to be polite.

Just to put it in perspective - it was a novelty toy. So similar to one of those glow-in-the-dark sticks or a stick of bubbles. It could have cost two pounds or so. That kind of thing. She bought them for those invited to the party, not their siblings. The price is irrelevant.

teal125 · 20/09/2018 18:17

It was a unusual to ask (unless the other person was a close friend). However, it would be a complete overreaction to make you feel bad about it or snub you. Relax and just smile and don’t try too hard with her for a bit. Please don’t dwell on it, everyone has moments that with retrospect they would change. Don’t keep highlighting it to others as you will open yourself to criticism. I am sure you have a big heart and wouldn’t mind being kind if the situation was reversed. Mumsnetters can be very sanctimonious in real life we all make ‘mistakes’

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 18:17

Tbh, op, you don’t sound at all like someone who would take a “you cheeky bugger” response well.

lozster · 20/09/2018 18:23

Awwh - maybe not the correct social etiquette but you didn’t steal the birthday cake! It’s in the past now so keep it there!

If it’s any comfort, at my DS’s party one mum took two extra bags joyously telling me - ‘great there are spares my other two kids are gonna love em’. I was Shock but then I thought well what the heck am I gonna do with them anyway? I obviously think she was a tad cheeky over enthusiastic but I bear no grudge and hope her kids enjoyed them.

TheSmallAssassin · 20/09/2018 18:25

I really don't think you should get upset about it, you didn't really put her on the spot, it sounds like you gave her plenty of room to say no, so honestly don't worry about it. All you can do is take people at face value, if they say it's ok, it's ok.

I had lots of conversations with my daughter when she was in Y5 and Y6 about saying what you mean and taking people at their word, so a grown woman really ought to be able to deal with another adult in a straightforward way! You were neither rude nor unreasonable.

MirriVan · 20/09/2018 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wallowinwater · 20/09/2018 18:27

I know what you mean about being social anxious and getting things wrong and then worrying about it after, totally sympathise. I don’t think it was rude, they were token gifts and there were spare, i’d Be fine with someone asking for an extra for a friend of my child’s sibling. I think people say is extremely rude are going a bit OTT, if it was a big gift that would be different but I certainly don’t move in those social circles!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 20/09/2018 18:29

Dead link @MirriVan

Please repost as I’d like to know why I’m in the minority here whereas IRL my thoughts on the matter would be the norm!

NTitled · 20/09/2018 18:30

Oh dear, OP. Who knows what goes on in other people's minds. I'm pretty sure we have all said/done things that we wish we could unsay or undo. And it's often impossible to know if other people's behaviour is even anything to do with anything we have said or done. Sometimes people are just being a bit off for no reason at all. I would now just try to forget about it. Let the dust settle a bit, then just be friendly and pleasant to the party mum. She will honestly have forgotten about it within days, if she is even thinking about it at all now (which I'm pretty sure she won't be). Whatever you do, don't bring it up again. If there is anything to blow over (which I don't think there is), it will do so far more quickly if you just move on.

Myshinynewname · 20/09/2018 18:30

It’s really not the end of the world but you were cheeky. As a host I would have felt rude saying no, even if they were earmarked for something else eg cousins visiting on the actual birthday or kids who were poorly and had missed the party, so would say yes and then have to buy more.

CoughLaughFart · 20/09/2018 18:32

Tbh, op, you don’t sound at all like someone who would take a “you cheeky bugger” response well.

OP makes this observation based on a conversation with her sister; presumably someone she has known some time. Random person posting on MN decides s/he knows better on the basis of one thread on an anonymous forum.

No wonder people are describing this thread as ‘Mumsnet at its finest’.

TeknoGran · 20/09/2018 18:33

Don’t be daft love. She could have said no. Forget it x

ArialAnna · 20/09/2018 18:35

I don’t think it was rude, and I actually think it was quite weird of the other mum to chase up parents about collecting a cheap bit of tat at a later date.

^^ This. It's almost like the other mum was berating the other parents for leaving behind a bit of party that that they should have been grateful for. Surely you expect some people leave it behind. She sounds a bit odd OP. I'd not give it another moment's thought.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 18:36

Op said it may be cultural as “where she is from” it’s what she might expect. She didn’t suggest it would be a response from her sister only?

ArialAnna · 20/09/2018 18:36

*party tat

MirriVan · 20/09/2018 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollymere · 20/09/2018 18:39

I would've been grateful...I always buy extra and then what do you do with them? I might have been hurt if you'd asked again at school as I wouldn't have said yes if I hadn't meant it, and I suspect her message was more about trying to offload the extra. I've had parents bring a sibling to a party for six...we had six of everything...now that's tricky and awkward! (Mum said "its ok, they can share their sister's plate and cup).

Hullaballooooo · 20/09/2018 18:44

Have decided the vicious MNers are made up of internet vermicious knids...
Any opportunity to prey on the insecure who have genuine questions/concerns that get posed here & they leap into action in predator mode to devour OPs and spit them out. It's disappointing every time to see so many horrible people tearing other folk apart with no real knowledge of the situation.

OP - don't worry & don't be upset, it will be forgotten quickly and I don't think you did anything wrong, sounds very innocent and not a big deal. Most mums feel insecure against other groups of 'those mums' at times but it's really not worth it.

beclev24 · 20/09/2018 18:47

OP- people are being harsh here. It really wasn't a big deal at all. Don't worry about it at all. If someone asked me for an extra party bag or whatever, I would think it was totally fine and either say yes if there was one, or no if I didn't have enough. If she is brooding on this then this is her problem. You sound really nice.

Bobbi73 · 20/09/2018 18:51

I really don't understand why some people are calling you incredibly rude etc.
I never care at all if someone asks for am extra party bag. I'm glad to be rid of them. The other mum sounds weird to me. Although maybe she was having a bad day.
Please don't worry about it. You've done nothing worth getting upset over.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 18:56

More than 300 posts telling a woman with anxiety that she’s a horrific human being for taking a piece of plastic tat home from a party. This may be my peak Mumsnet moment.

Seriously. I have never met an adult who wants could actually be bothered to give a shite about a party toy. Bizarre.

PorkFlute · 20/09/2018 18:56

No-ones been mean! 99% of people have said it’s no big deal and forget about it.
But you only need to look at any of the threads posted on here asking if it’s ok to take an uninvited sibling to a party to see it’s not generally the done thing and if you do you certainly shouldn’t allow them to join in in any way. If the op is looking for reasons this other mum is being off with her that could be why? Or maybe she wasn’t being off with her at all. Who knows?

MaggieAndHopey · 20/09/2018 18:58

That Ask Culture / Guess Culture article and thread are really eye-opening. I'm deffo Guess but I've got pals, mostly from other countries, who are much more Ask, and who often struggle to work out what just happened when they realise they're out of step with a situation.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 18:59

Tbh, op, you don’t sound at all like someone who would take a “you cheeky bugger” response well.

Honestly, greyhound, you should be embarrassed. You've excelled at making something of absolutely nothing and causing the OP anxiety.

PorkFlute · 20/09/2018 19:03

In fairness to greyhound the op has been in tears because she thinks the mum may have looked at her funny. Can you imagine if the other mum HAD called her a cheeky bugger??