To make 16 year old move out?

[AnAppleADay5]

After punching younger sibling (10).

Thanks.

Will reply properly when done at work. But wanted this on so replies when done.

There is no justification for violence

No, there isn’t. But writing off a 16 year old with anger problems clearly stemming from something isn’t the answer!

She needs support to work through whatever it is that’s causing it.

Throwing your DD out isn’t going to solve anything

It would safeguard the 10 year old.

But as I said I wouldn't throw her out until I'd accessed all available services and help to try to rehabilitate her.

But OP has to balance her needs with that of the 10 year old who needs protecting.

But writing off a 16 year old with anger problems clearly stemming from something isn’t the answer!

I have done no such thing if you read my posts.

but I just think throwing the older child out in anger is just going to make her anger problems worse and possibly alienate her, and could maybe leave the younger child with feelings of guilt too.

It's not sending her away 'out of anger'. It's sending her away to ensure the physical safety of the 10 year old. The violence is so extreme that the OP fears for his life.

I wonder how many of you would be this understanding of a 16 year old boy choking and punching his 10 year old sibling out of anger.

a 16 year old can claim Income support at £57.90 per week if they are estranged and in full time education - usually need proof of estrangement from the family or a social worker and can be put into youth hostel with rent paid by housing benefit. Going to live with relatives usually does not count as said relative could claim child benefit for the 16 year old.

I have done no such thing if you read my posts

Fair enough. Calling the police before accessing help and support isn’t the answer either though, so I hope OP reads all of your comments.

No absolutely I would not throw my child out because they threw a punch at a younger sibling. It’s what siblings often do. Was she being goaded? I’d make her apologise, take away her phone or something for a couple of days and let it go.
Throwing a child out is about as destructive as it comes to family relationships.

If you're not going to engage OP, people aren't going to get enough of a picture to give an appropriate response; most of the replies on here are measured and sensible but OP's one-line-replies aren't giving any kind of insight into things at home.

OP there are so many reasons a 16 year old might do this, and so many ways a family might respond. Without more information nothing anyone offers on here will really apply to your family, nor help you.

No, there isn’t. But writing off a 16 year old with anger problems clearly stemming from something isn’t the answer!

She needs support to work through whatever it is that’s causing it.

No one has suggested just throwing her out and beung done with it. What people are saying is that the 10 year old needs to be protected from physical abuse. If the OP can't stop the violence then DD needs to live elsewhere while she accesses the support she needs to work through whatever is causing this.

OP hasn’t talked about seeking help, ensuring they’re not in the same room unsupervised together or anything else.

If she’s tried all that and it hasn’t worked, that’s one thing, but there are things that can be done to keep the 10 yo safe without resorting to making the 16 yo leave her home.

No you need to parent your child, not get rid of them as soon as you can

I wouldn’t kick a 16 year old out, she needs you.

I’m guessing that you’ve tried talking to her about why she’s doing this (not directly after an incident)? Got professionals involved etc?

No absolutely I would not throw my child out because they threw a punch at a younger sibling. It’s what siblings often do. Was she being goaded? I’d make her apologise, take away her phone or something for a couple of days and let it go.

The violence is extreme and it isn't a one off thing so you're being a bit simplistic.

Throwing a child out is about as destructive as it comes to family relationships.

A child feeling like they haven't been protected from and their parents have enabled abuse from their sibling is also quite damaging to family relationships.

OP hasn’t talked about seeking help, ensuring they’re not in the same room unsupervised together or anything else.

If she’s tried all that and it hasn’t worked, that’s one thing, but there are things that can be done to keep the 10 yo safe without resorting to making the 16 yo leave her home.

I agree that the 16 year old leaving isn't ideal and should be a last resort. The OP hasn't really given much away though so we don't know what she's tried

I think you should send her to relatives for a while. I was in the position of your younger child and my parents did nothing to help me - it stays with you an awful long time.

I agree that the 16 year old leaving isn't ideal and should be a last resort. The OP hasn't really given much away though so we don't know what she's tried

I know, that’s why I said IF.

OP needs to engage with services and with her own children far more than she is here. Both kids are behaving in a way that needs dealing with before it gets chance to escalate. Punishment is too late. It seems that an awful lot of walking in on things happens.

I have two who can't be left alone together. Closer in age but both with sn. You have to be on the ball and you have to work on your own relationship with each child as that is pivotal to being able to have any hance of breaking negative behaviour patterns.

Have you even tried to find out what's going on with either of them? Have you sought any help?

Like a PP has said often if you're physically attacked you'll come back with verbal attacks if you can't fight them physically. That makes logical sense to the person who feels they want to deeply harm their sibling for being so horrible to them.

Also the 10 year old is years different with maturity if they are both NT.

If she can stay with a relative temporarily that may calm them both down and also may show whether she becomes physically aggressive without her brothers stimulation.

Calling the police before accessing help and support isn’t the answer either though

Which I haven't suggested either. I suggested she gets help in the first instance.

However, reporting to police can be extremely effective in confronting an adolescent with the seriousness of their behaviour - choking and punching are crimes and dangerous ones at that.

I don't think posters on this thread really appreciate the seriousness of choking until blue.

First of all, in a domestic abuse risk assessments, choking is one of the highest risk factors because it can cause death and serious injury very quickly. People who use choking have a statistically higher likelihood of going on to cause serious injury.

Secondly, choking can cause damage that is not apparent at the time - people can collapse days after from the effects of their brain being starved of oxygen.

There is no chicken or egg. The appropriate response to words is words. There is no justification for violence.
You said that the younger one's horrible name calling was probably because of his sister's violence,I think it is more likely the other way round that's all I'm saying.Also,not in this case,but sometimes there is justification for violence actually but that's a different topic.

And thirdly, if anything were to happen to the 10 year old, the OP would bear some responsiblity for not having safeguarded him when she knew the 16 year old to be violent.

Imagine if it were a violent 16 year old boy and a 10 year old girl - it's no different.

I was the 16 year old, my younger sibling taunted me constantly while my parents did nothing. I walked away and was followed. I went to my room and was followed. I asked for a lock for my bedroom and was told no. I cried because I couldn't get away from it. There's only so much you can take before you lash out.

It's not victim blaming, it's someone reaching the end of their tether. Whatever you are doing to punish him isn't working. Maybe your DD isn't feeling supported?

How is DD at school? Are there any issues?

You said that the younger one's horrible name calling was probably because of his sister's violence,I think it is more likely the other way round that's all I'm saying.Also,not in this case,but sometimes there is justification for violence actually but that's a different topic.

I said it may be. You have no way of knowing what is 'more likely' in this scenario. Anyway, name calling is no justification for violence.

There is no justification for violence full stop, other than self defence.

It's not sending her away 'out of anger'. It's sending her away to ensure the physical safety of the 10 year old. The violence is so extreme that the OP fears for his life.

I wonder how many of you would be this understanding of a 16 year old boy choking and punching his 10 year old sibling out of anger
I said the kids should be separated'but just in a calm.and reasonable way if possible, so as not to alienate her daughter and make her even more angry than she is already.