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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make 16 year old move out?

242 replies

AnAppleADay5 · 19/09/2018 14:04

After punching younger sibling (10).

Thanks.

Will reply properly when done at work. But wanted this on so replies when done.

OP posts:
Prettyvase · 20/09/2018 17:58

Your son will not be 10 years old forever, he is going to grow bigger and stronger than either you or your dd.

If all he's suffered in his young life is being attacked and tortured and has to lie to the hospital because he knows you are not going to support him and he can't talk to you anymore then you are literally raising a TICKING TIMEBOMB.

Do not delay. Tell the school, tell the authorities, tell the police and tell social services.

You have done it your way and it hasn't worked even though you have tried your hardest, everyone can see that.

Now it is time to GET HELP and be completely honest with everyone.

daffodillament · 20/09/2018 18:21

Any updates today Op ?

Belina · 20/09/2018 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 20/09/2018 18:49

@Belina have you read all of the OP's posts? The 16 year old has nearly fractured her brother's eye socket and choked him so hard he went blue!

That's not a normal reaction to an annoying sibling no matter how much of an arsehole they are being.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/09/2018 19:53

Ffs nice victim blaming Belina

What the hell is wrong with some posters on here? No wonder children face so much violence.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/09/2018 20:02

Belina I've reported your post, it advocates violence against a child. I hope you're really proud of yourself.

llangennith · 20/09/2018 20:20

OP if you have somewhere safe the 16yo can go then send them there. Protect your youngest.

notangelinajolie · 21/09/2018 02:01

16 no. 18 yes.

storm11111 · 21/09/2018 14:59

Hi so when me and my brother were young he relentlessly used to wind me up and wind me up and wind me up knowing full well what he was doing until i would eventually just lose it and slap the hell out of him.

Yes the slapping was bad but the sheer persistence and determination of a little brother to annoy tease and irritate is untold and to expect your child to keep it together (which of course they should do in a perfect world) can be a tough ask.

Yes there should be very severe consequences for the punch because this needs to not happen again however there are two sides to every story. Little bro needs to learn that he can't be a little shit without things like this happening and big sis needs to know that physical harm is unacceptable and possibly be given alternative tactics to deal with her bro.

Honestly unless it becomes a campaign of violence i would put this down to an angry teenager losing control.

hazell42 · 21/09/2018 15:03

If course you are. He's a child. Would you throw the 11 year old out if he punches a 5 year old?

Roomba · 21/09/2018 15:35

The choking is far more worrying than a punch, tbh (fracture or not). It is one of the things police/others use in assessments that indicates an abuser is very likely to kill you in future. It is incredibly dangerous, and so easy to kill someone or permanently disable then even if you don't intend to.

I agree throwing a 16yo out is a terrible idea - I've worked with under 18s who lived in YMCA accommodation and they were incredibly vulnerable to abuse and exploitation from the other residents and predatory adults. Their lives were a mess that was very hard to overcome, tbh. And they were the 'lucky' ones in proper supported living, not the ones just dumped in a B&B with drug addicted adults on probation.

But I couldn't let my 10 year old live like this either. He is clearly showing signs of huge distress and this is not normal sibling fighting. He's in serious danger, physically and emotionally. You need to protect him. Involve outside authorities and shout loudly for help, whether your DD wants and accepts this or not. How would you react if a stranger did this to your DS once, let alone regularly? If he discloses this abuse at school and you haven't shown you are protecting him, you could end up with child protection procedures being invoked too.

I'm not trying to berate you, I do see how difficult this is, honestly, and I don't have any magic answers. But do ask for help asap.

NeepNeepNeep · 21/09/2018 15:55

You are doing the right thing to talk to professionals. Otherwise, your son will always remember the day you let him lie to protect his abusive sister. That will be so damaging. It is not too late to change that memory. You need to report the assault and apologise to your boy. Your daughter is 16 and could easily have a child of her own soon...

FrancisCrawford · 21/09/2018 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinnegansWhiskers · 21/09/2018 16:45

OP you have my sympathy. There is 5 years between my second and third. At roughly the same ages as your two are now I also had to deal with them constantly bickering and scrapping - although not to the extent of damaged eye sockets and choking. Every living second of being with them began to feel like living in a battleground.

One day I simply broke down and told them how it felt to live with them. How it felt to have failed as a mother and that I couldn't put up with it any longer. I asked them each why they felt they had to be at each other's throats constantly. I gave them time to think about it. It turned out that even though their initial response was "I hate him/her" when questioned they didn't know why they hated each other. I suggested maybe it was just a habit they had grown in to.

Anyway to cut a long story short I laid it on the line and told them I was no longer prepared to put up with it. They were causing me to not want to come home from work, as home life was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and if it continued I would be leaving.

They were shocked! But, immediately, their resentment of each other became less and less. I prepared activities for them to do together so they had to rely on each other.

It wasn't all plain sailing and there were times I had to remind them...even a look was enough to stop them in their tracks.

Now aged 32 and 27 they are the closest of my 4 children.

There is a solution. You just have to find it. It's not easy when you're so bogged down and can't think clearly.

Please don't suggest your dd moves out. Talk to them. Let them come up with their own solution. They need to know how their behaviour is affecting you. Everyone needs their mum and most will do anything not to lose her. Chin up sweetheart. It's time for a heart to heart with them. Lay it on the line and don't back down. Be calm but forceful. Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

Alpacanorange · 21/09/2018 17:06

What had happened to make your daughter so angry? When did it begin?

Beeziekn33ze · 21/09/2018 17:10

A&E department staff are familiar with being told inaccurate reasons for children's injuries. They may have already flagged up that your son's version didn't sound right. His teachers may also have noticed his unhappiness and bruises.
If there are relatives willing to take your daughter for a while, who know the situation in your home, give it a try. Long term however you all need professional advice and support.

RhiWrites · 21/09/2018 17:18

It sounds like both children need help. OP, contact social services about help available for a “child in need”.

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/social-services-and-your-family/contacting-social-services-when-unable-to-cope-with-your-child-s-behaviour/

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