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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2018 22:54

Yep, the signs are usually there right from the beginning

Many women brush them aside or hope things will change down the line. That doesn't happen.

serbska · 18/09/2018 22:54

They don’t live together. She hasn’t had chikdren with him and sacrificed her career for him.

Not sure why he should pay for her holiday.

Not sure why they aren’t allowed to do things separately.

It doesn’t sound wierd re him going away with his friends if it’s a social group, especially if it’s an activity holiday.

Why doesn’t she suggest a cheaper break for the two of them in addition to this trip?

2muchstress · 18/09/2018 22:56

Of course yanbu....it's not about the money, whether he should pay for her, it's about him trampling over her feelings, being happy to leave her out, after 18 months they are not a 'couple'. I hope she finds someone who cares more.

HollowTalk · 18/09/2018 22:57

Whatever other problems I had with my ex husband, money was never one of them. He would never ever have dreamed of going without me. And then when we divorced, money was never an issue between us either - he was always fair and so was I.

I think you shouldn't marry someone who'd be a bastard to divorce, and on that basis I think she should dump him now.

Karigan198 · 18/09/2018 22:57

Hang on what kind of adventure holiday?

I ask because if they are serious adventure types such as mountain climbers, alpinists etc it’s kind of a time honoured tradition to disappear into the mountains leaving loved ones at home. Is he maybe a serious outdoor type for whom it’s second nature to just go like that?

If it’s a standard touristy adventure however totally different kettle of fish and he’s being a cockwomble

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:00

I don't want to say the specific holiday incase I 'out' my DD, she would be mortified if she knew I'd made this thread!

He is not a serious outdoor type, nor are the other couples. It's more of a typical tourist adventure holiday I suppose.

OP posts:
Karigan198 · 18/09/2018 23:02

In that case I think he should have acted with far more sensitivity. At least discussed options with her and the fact he didn’t does not bode well for the length of the relationship.

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 23:03

Red herring though, surely? Even if it’s climbing Everest and OP’s DD is scared of heights, you have a discussion if you’re both initially invited. Not Mr Unilateral over here

serbska · 18/09/2018 23:05

Even if it’s climbing Everest and OP’s DD is scared of heights, you have a discussion if you’re both initially invited. Not Mr Unilateral over here

Why do they have to do everything together?

Karigan198 · 18/09/2018 23:07

Nope sorry. I know many mountaineering types and the one thing they all have in common is a tendency to disappear into the mountains leaving either a boyfriend/ husband or wife/ girlfriend behind without the slightest backwards glance. I don’t know how any of them stay married except when it’s to someone equally nuts and active.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:07

Why do they have to do everything together?

It's not about doing everything together in my mind. It's about the fact this is a couples holiday, why would he want to go on a couples holiday without his girlfriend?

It seems the opinions here are very split. Will have another chat with DD in the morning, see if she has reflected on it at all.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:09

Is it a couples holiday or is it a holiday with his friends that over the years partners/girlfriends are included?

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:11

It's a holiday with all of DD's partner's friends, and their respective girlfriends/partners. They've been doing these 'couple' holidays for years now.

OP posts:
londonrach · 18/09/2018 23:11

They not living together so just boyfriend and girlfriend. Why should be pay for her. Roles revered would you expect her to pay for him.

DangerMouse17 · 18/09/2018 23:11

No worries OP...i realise now of you say the exact location it could be quite outing! I was more thinking of Vegas or somewhere a bit may be quite pleased his gf can't make it...but clearly not the case here.

Either way, I think his attitude and the immediate removal from the Facebook group suggests he's not that concerned about going alone and being the bachelor of the group! Quite mean and an early warning I reckon...

DangerMouse17 · 18/09/2018 23:12

Sorry for typos...sigh

MrsMozart · 18/09/2018 23:13

He's an arse.

There's no way my (now) DH would've done that to me, nor I to him. We'd both have helped out a good friend never mind our partner.

toxic44 · 18/09/2018 23:13

If he is this thoughtless now, how much worse might he be within the security of marriage? He sounds really mean-spirited or very self-centred. She's lucky to have the writing on the wall so clearly.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:13

Roles reversed I would find it strange she is going to go on a couples holiday without her couple! I would also expect my DD to offer to help him out if she could and I wouldn't think it mean of her if she didn't. We've always been a very open and kind family with regards to money, possessions etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:14

Sorry, should read I would think it mean of her!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:15

So if it’s a couples holiday does that mean he has never went with this group of people before?

SandyY2K · 18/09/2018 23:17

I would expect that he would insist the group plan a couples holiday that they could all afford

That's a bit much IMO. He can't dictate where the whole group go.

Deleting her from the group was probably So she didnt see all the plans and feel left out.

I wouldn't want to hear what they were going if I wasn't going. It's like having your face rubbed in it.

He's not a keeper.

Noqont · 18/09/2018 23:17

Hmm. I think it's a bit mean. 18 months is quite a while. If she had the cash and he didn't, would she help him out? I'm not sure he's a keeper tbh.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:18

No he has been on holiday with this group of people before, sometimes it has just been a 'boys' holidays and more recently it is with their partners. He went on one of these couple holidays when his other friend was single so it wasn't awkward. Now they are all paired up and in relationships, so according to my DD, he will be the only one there without a couple, he will sleep in a double bedroom by himself etc.

OP posts:
Noqont · 18/09/2018 23:19

So he's paying for a double room anyway? So it's just her flights. Hmm.