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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
adaline · 18/09/2018 23:20

Would you really expect your DD to pay for a non live-in boyfriend of 18 months to go away on holiday?!

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:20

They are staying in an air b&b type thing so I am assuming the double bedroom comes as standard. But yes the double bedroom is paid for regardless IFYSWIM?

OP posts:
pallisers · 18/09/2018 23:21

From what my DD said, he didn't even ask her if there was anyway he could help or anything he could do, just 'Ok you're not coming, I'll remove you from the Facebook group'.

The thing is at this stage, I would expect him to really want her to come and not to be that thrilled at spending a couple of weeks with other couples on his own. His reaction is so blase that I think as someone said upthread, he really isn't that into her. And if I were your dd I'd be filing this one away as part of my assessment of whether I could really commit to a man like that.

Its different doing separate holidays - that isn't a problem. This is a couples' holiday and he has no problem going it alone.

I think this is an early warning for her. I definitely wouldn't move in with him - the discrepancy in income/savings when he feels no real sense of partnership with her would make for a bad set up.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:22

As I've said countless times, I do not expect (nor would I expect my DD in the same scenario) to pay for the entire holiday!

I do think it is mean to not even offer to help, or try to find another way, or find a solution to my DD not going though!

If it were the other way around I would feel very sorry for DD's partner, and I would wonder why she was going on a couples holiday without him. I would think she wasn't that into him.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/09/2018 23:25

Oh some posters just love to be smug and say that he's 'not a partner', don't they? So, so obvious and pathetic!

floralgrandma, The removal from the facebook group was really petty. I think that your daughter is sad as this has really shown her what he's like and she can't be distracted from that. It's not the holiday as such, it's the fact that he is quite happy to go without her when all of his friends are taking their partners. Why not him?

In your position OP, I wouldn't say anything negative about him but I would agree with every conclusion she comes to for herself and help her to think this through. How is she going to feel when he comes back knowing that she didn't 'count' enough for him to take her/make it possible for her to go? It was never about you putting in the money - it was about him wanting her with him enough to make it possible. He didn't.

I don't think there's any way back from this. Better that she sees this now and doesn't progress the relationship any farther forward because I wouldn't like to think of how he would treat her if and when she became pregnant. Would he still strut about? You'd never know - and now he has form.

Haireverywhere · 18/09/2018 23:26

Actually I've just thought about it and the thing that strikes me is, why would he want to go alone on a couple's holiday?

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:27

But it isn’t really a couples holiday, is it? Over the years partners have naturally been included?

What solution do you want him to suggest, apart from paying for her?

Karigan198 · 18/09/2018 23:28

He found discuss lending it to her, an alternative holiday program, she just covering flights and expenses out there (no double room comment above). Surely it should at least be discussed??

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 18/09/2018 23:29

If they have all been going away for years, regardless of the fact they are couples, he is surely friends with most of them. Men and women? I don't see why people think it is so strange he would go on an adventure type holiday with his friends who are couples.

It sounds like something he does every year with the same people

Haireverywhere · 18/09/2018 23:30

Oh OK I think I misinterpreted it.

OrangeMini100Points · 18/09/2018 23:30

I don't see why he wouldn't or couldn't lend her the money, seeing as they've been together a fair while and he knows she is good with money. That seems entirely reasonable to be paid back at say £100 a month (or whatever).

He shouldn't have to pay for her but not to try and think of options to allow her to come is mean and thoughtless.

pallisers · 18/09/2018 23:30

What solution do you want him to suggest, apart from paying for her?

I'd like him to be really gutted that she couldn't go with him. I'd like him not to say "oh I'll take you off the facebook group so" and say "god, it won't be any fun without you, are you sure you couldn't go? Would you take a loan from me to pay for the deposit? I'd really love you to come"

Then she can say yes or say "no, I wouldn't dream of a loan but go on - you'll love it and can use the break"

It isn't so much that it didn't cross his mind to offer (although after 18 months I would expect it to at least cross his mind) but that he really doesn't care at all whether she goes or not. I'd figure I could do better for myself tbh.

alwayslearning789 · 18/09/2018 23:31

The man is showing/ telling her who he is by his actions and she'd be best to listen. No sense of partnership or concern for her displayed.

It IS odd and suggests that he is not a keeper as PP have highlighted.

adaline · 18/09/2018 23:31

Maybe they're at different stages in the relationship.

They're not married nor do they live together so there's no serious commitment there. He probably doesn't want to subsidise her - and as awful as that might to you, he probably thinks he's being fairly sensible. I can't imagine my mum encouraging me to subsidise someone at that stage in a relationship to be honest. The answer would be "he's a grown up/big boy, he can pay for himself or miss out". I know that sounds harsh because you're her mum, though.

However if your DD isn't happy with his response to her not being able to go, then she's free to reconsider the relationship if she feels it's not right for her anymore.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:32

Well whether partners have naturally evolved or not, it is not the case that he will be the only 'single' man there surrounded by everyone else who is with their girlfriends. It does seem strange to me.

I think some potential solutions could be:

  • Offering to pay part of the holiday or lending the money to her.
  • Trying to get to the bottom of why she can't come, maybe suggesting ways they could both help like cutting back on dates for a while?
  • Suggesting they go on a separate holiday instead. I know I wouldn't have (nor DH) wanted to go on a couples holiday by myself at 18 months into a relationship.
  • Just express some disappointment that she cannot go, not have such a black and white attitude of 'oh well, see you!' Which is what my DD has described.
OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/09/2018 23:35

She's also free to be upset at being shown what a mean-minded individual he is. It's not a nice revelation to find out that somebody you cared for isn't in the same place as you on that.

Why are some posters so determined to stick the knife in and imply that 'she's not worth it', she hasn't had his kids or sacrificed her career .

18 months might not be a lifetime but it's 18 months still. Why do some of you need to rubbish/minimise that?

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:35

Can she afford a seperate holiday?

BarryManilowRocks · 18/09/2018 23:35

The man is showing/ telling her who he is by his actions and she'd be best to listen

And the DD is showing who she is by expecting him to pay for her.

Talk about double standards - if the genders were reversed everybody would be screaming cocklodger.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:38

Christmas is coming up - what about offering to pay for part of it as her Christmas present? So many potential solutions if he really wanted my DD to go Sad

OP posts:
MirriVan · 18/09/2018 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:40

She could afford a different holiday, just not the one proposed. Trying my best not to 'out' my DD, but the holiday is in the £600 - £800 price range.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/09/2018 23:41

BarryManilow she doesn't expect to be paid for, she expected to be missed/wanted on the holiday - the OP would have paid for her if needed.

Are you like this in real life too? Not just you but I can't believe the number of posters who are really enjoying seeing another woman's discomfort. Urgh.

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:41

I have probably missed it but have you offered to pay it for her Christmas?

Twolittlebears · 18/09/2018 23:41

To offer another perspective... My now DH (then DP) did something similar to this earlier in our relationship. We were living together (Him highly paid consultant. Me on the breadline.) He was helping me out lots but he didn't offer to pay for my holiday and I didn't ask. He went on several fun trips as you describe without me during those years. It struck me as weird then but he's not tight with money and he clearly was serious about me. I guess it just didn't occur to him to pay my way.

Fabricwitch · 18/09/2018 23:42

What is a "couple's holiday"?