My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

[floralgrandma]

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

"Helena, as a childfree by choice person, I'm surprised you automatically assume they both want children."

Shatners although our number is growing we are still in the minority as your foray into childfree by choice dating sites has proved. So thats why i "assume" because most people still want children.

I think it more comes down to the fact that OPs DD sound like quite a generous person considering all the letting him stay in her house for nothing, take her car etc. So if this was turned around and OPs DD was going away with her friends and her boyfriend couldn't afford it she would probably offer to help him out.
It had nothing to do with expecting a man to pay for a woman and everything to do with being in a relationship where 2 people are supposed to love each other and have a bit of give and take, unfortunately it just sounds like he takes!

So he lives with his parents, doesn't pay rent or food bills and saves. Stays with his girlfriend and doesn't pay rent or food or car expenses and saves. Forget the holiday issues - he showed himself to be a shit before the holiday became an issue. He's a fucking man child - he expects everyone to give to him. This isn't about feminism, this is about a self centred bastard.

Why would you want to share a life with someone like this - he lacks generosity, he us all me, me, me and that is someone who is a miserable to spend time with, share a life with or have kids with.
I'd have shown more generosity towards my flatmates!

I'm not sure i can judge the bf based on this one incident. Seems a bit strange hes happy to be third wheeling but each to their own.

Yes it would have been a nice gesture for him to offer to pay but equally he is not obliged to. I would be interested in his general level of generosity as i think we're in danger of accusing his of being a stingy bugger based on one occasion where there is really no real obligation!

I'll judge him, he's a man child.
He gets free board, food at her place some days and use of her car on occasion and she gets jack shit.
He's telling her who he is, she needs to listen. Theres nothing more of a turn off than a tight fisted man, who only thinks of himself. She's better off without him.

Oh my word is this thread still going on?! You're ALL right, people!( I'd say OP is sorry she asked at this point!!)

At 18 months together, I would expect a “you can’t afford it, I can’t/won’t pay for you, let’s find a holiday together we can both afford”

Although, if it was an adventure holiday he’d be welcome to go by himself, I’d hate it.

Whats the state of play now OP?

you would have thought he would be keen for her to go given that all the girlfriends are going and willing to help her out. There is definitely something not right

If I was your daughter I’d be considering my options. She is late 20s so still young but needs to be thinking properly about her options long term.
He’s showing her who he is and it’s not good...

IMO Whether he pays for her to join or not is immaterial (although it maybe indicated he is a bit tight)

What this really says is they aren’t a team and thats the red flag...
After 18months I’d expect him to be going on holiday with his girlfriend whether that was Dubai or Bridlington...not dumping her to swam off with his mates because that’s a better offer.

I don’t think it’s interfering on your part OP. Relationships are less linear than they were even 20 years ago so it’s hard to get a gauge for what’s a warning sign and whatsokay. You are looking out for your daughter which is good.