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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 18/09/2018 22:08

I think he shouldn't bankroll her holiday but it would be a clear signal of his intentions if he did.
Your daughter needs to make a choice does this give her a bad feeling or not.
Hopefully his time away will clarify things for both of them.

BarbarianMum · 18/09/2018 22:10

But he's clearly not her partner because there's no partnership here.

TwistedStitch · 18/09/2018 22:11

I think it's a bit mean and also odd that he is going to tag along on a couples holiday alone. I'd also be willing to bet he gets the benefit of the property your DD is paying rent on- staying over and getting space from his parents, using her amenities, eating her food.

Ellisandra · 18/09/2018 22:11

I think more numbers are needed to know if it’s mean or not.
The thing is, this isn’t a one off cost, is it? If he pays towards it now, isn’t that setting himself up to pay for her in future too?
So just how much should he have to pay for her?
Is he already paying for stuff for her - like meals when they’re out?
Giving her £200 would be one thing, £1000 quite another.
If this was a one off - like a mutual friend getting married abroad I’d say he’s mean. But it sounds like it’s just a holiday. So, what else is he going to be expected to pay for?

I don’t see that removing her from a fb group is mean either - just practical.

I do agree he’s not a keeper. I pay towards my H and SDs cost ok our holidays as I earn more. But I don’t think I’d be mean not to.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, but I think if he liked her more he’d have offered something towards it.

Maybe he thinks it’s not just about who has more money though. Can she actually not afford to save, or does she buy lots of (for example) make up? I’d be less likely to fund the holiday if I thought my girlfriend was just choosing other priorities.

ZanyMobster · 18/09/2018 22:12

YANBU. This is certainly not the sort of partner I would want. He should want to do everything to help her go. I imagine he is giving her a glimpse into their future together . . .

dogfish1 · 18/09/2018 22:14

Am a bloke. He sounds a bit mean tbh and/or NTIH. True he shouldn't be expected to pay for everything just because he is better off, but if he was keen on her and a reasonably generous person he would offer to sub her for the airfare or something so she could go.

MrsStrowman · 18/09/2018 22:15

They've been dating for eighteen months, don't live together and don't have shared finances. It's not his job to support her. Can I ask why she is thing, is it not possible for her to be living with you while she saves for a deposit? Why is she late twenties with no savings?

Viviennemary · 18/09/2018 22:16

If he is in his 30's and still lives with his parents I can't see that he is going to want a place together any time soon. Why would he. No. I think she should ditch him because it doesn't sound as if they are on the same wavelength at all. Has he always lived with his parents?

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 22:16

They pay for things (meals out, dates etc.) 50/50 from what she has told me.

She doesn't buy things in excess and is always good with her money, paying off finance, credit etc. straight away.

From what my DD said, he didn't even ask her if there was anyway he could help or anything he could do, just 'Ok you're not coming, I'll remove you from the Facebook group'.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 18/09/2018 22:16

*renting

redcaryellowcar · 18/09/2018 22:16

Probably a old time to find out he's rubbish, ltb!

Ellisandra · 18/09/2018 22:16

Oh shit, silly me - I forgot to preface my reply with my gender.

Thanks dogfish1 for the reminder Hmm

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 22:18

No, he used to rent but moved back in with his parents in order to save up. DH and I had to downsize so unfortunately we can not longer have her living with us, as much as we would like to help her save.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 18/09/2018 22:18

I've not read all the comments but my feeling is he is not serious about her. They are dating and if they were early twenties (or late teens) it would seem completely normal to go away without a boyfriend/girlfriend. But she is late 20s and he is early 30s.

Third AF: not a keeper.

The fact "whereas her partner lives with his parents" is a bit of a concern. I also lived with my parents in my thirties so I am not against that per say but after dating my (now) dh for a year I was ready for commitment. I think 18 months in and this guy is not.

Maybe things are cushy at home and he won't want to buy or rent with your dd. She'll be the girlfriend but will she be a life partner, a live-in partner or a wife?

Your dd can decide what to do but in her shoes I think I'd be looking elsewhere for a man who wanted me by his side on a holiday and I'd be looking to up my savings and my income so that I could afford these kinds of things myself.

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 22:18

Oh, give over. It’s useful to see two sides to the issue

Wildheartsease · 18/09/2018 22:18

The paying/not paying is one thing. He isn't obliged but it seems odd that he hasn't wanted to help.

If they are really a couple then surely he won't enjoy the holiday as much without her? The fact that he isn't changing to a holiday she can afford to go on suggests that he isn't really keen on her.

MaudebeGonne · 18/09/2018 22:19

She should take this as a golden opportunity to reflect on their relationship. She is out there, paying her way and he is still at home, spending his money on himself. She would be wise to knock this on the head. He is not ready for a partnership.

jackio2205 · 18/09/2018 22:21

I think that question for me would be 'why does he want to go on a couples holiday and not be in a couple'. If it were me I wouldn't go either and go on a holiday that me and partner could afford?

Every couple is different though, especially about money and whats normal for some is not for others. I will however say that now I think of it, the couples that have been funniest about money (in my and my girlfriends eyes) haven't lasted, so maybe the writing is on the wall, time will tell I suppose? X

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 22:22

I think the circumstances of her savings and why she doesn’t live with you OP are irrelevant. At their ages, you’re thinking about your lifelong spouse...sharing, team work etc etc. Not ‘ah you can’t afford it. Ok, byyyyyyeeeeee’

My bf and I are similar in ages to your daughter and her bf. He earns half what I do. We’ve been dating less than a year. No way would he not proffer a solution to enable me to come let alone just not engage in conversation on it.

She deserves more.

Bearbehind · 18/09/2018 22:23

If they are really a couple then surely he won't enjoy the holiday as much without her

I suspect he will very much enjoy a holiday without her.

Thisoneisnottaken · 18/09/2018 22:23

He is not that into her. Sorry 😞

Haireverywhere · 18/09/2018 22:24

At their age that seems stingy as hell to me.

MorningsEleven · 18/09/2018 22:25

They dont live together, they are not in a long-term partnership or married. They have no children. So the relationship's not that serious. Sorry but I don't see why he should pay for her holiday

I agree.

Ellisandra · 18/09/2018 22:26

OP is getting a variety of responses, so - shock horror! - it seems that the women posting aren’t a homogenous lump with one opinion between them.
A poster announcing that he is male implies that his opinion has some additional merit.

On a thread about shifting one’s bollocks comfortably in tight jeans - yes, a male perspective has added weight.

On a general topic on which people clearly have different opinions despite having the same gender, it’s absolutely unnecessary to announce gender. Hence my feeling that people who do this, think it attaches some extra importance to their opinion.

HopefullyYes · 18/09/2018 22:27

Doesn't sound like he's arsed either way. Your DD should have a think before moving in with him.

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