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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/09/2018 22:29

Very odd. Most people wouldn't want to tag along with other couples on their own. If money was an issue he could have suggested a cheaper break just the two of them!

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 22:29

I do think a male poster has additional merit on this thread. It affords a potentially greater insight into the bf in this scenario. I firmly believe that, in such circumstances as the OP, a man’s mind works differently. Mars/Venus etc

budgiegirl · 18/09/2018 22:30

I thinks it’s unreasonable to expect him to pay some or all of your DDs holiday.

However, if I was your DD I would be upset that he decided to go anyway. If he is serious about her, I would expect that he would insist the group plan a couples holiday that they could all afford, or that he would say he wouldn’t go and he and your DD go on a cheaper holiday together.

HollowTalk · 18/09/2018 22:31

No - it's not so much that he's not into her, but he's really mean. I reckon he'd be like this with anyone. This is who he is.

Tell her to think of the future if she stayed with him. She's already paying 50/50 when there's a big discrepancy in their spare money. (I bet he doesn't mind staying at her place, does he?) You read these threads on MN where someone's living with a tight guy and she's struggling to make ends meet, even on maternity leave, while he's got lots to spend. That would be your daughter's future.

She sounds like a lovely girl. Talk to her about the problems involved in being involved with someone who's like this.

And for those who think he shouldn't pay - surely he would think his holiday wouldn't be as good without her there, so that would make it worth his while?

Jeffers3 · 18/09/2018 22:31

I don’t get why she can’t pay for herself?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 18/09/2018 22:31

He will look a right twat not lending his gf the cash for a couples holiday but still going himself.
And a spare part to boot!!

Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 18/09/2018 22:32

@Sorrynotsorry

18 months should be serious at that age

But what does this mean?

H & I were of similar ages and I didn’t move in with my DH until we’d been dating for four years, I went on holiday on my own this year and in 2016, and we didn’t get joint finances until the end of 2017.
Early serious doesn’t equal longevity and there is no timeline that all relationships should follow?!

Jeffers3 · 18/09/2018 22:34

If she can afford it, go. If she can’t, don’t.
Why should he have to pay?
If he’s at his mum’s in order to save he probably doesn’t want to lend her his savings. Also, if she can’t afford a few hundred (potentially more?) quid for a holiday will she have spending money or will he have to give her that too?

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 22:35

Penisbeaker (fab name), it sounds like that wasn’t a surprise to you though? That you and DH were on the same page. OP’sDDsounds like a deer in the headlights by bf’s actions

DangerMouse17 · 18/09/2018 22:36

Where is the holiday, out of interest?

AnoukSpirit · 18/09/2018 22:36

From what my DD said, he didn't even ask her if there was anyway he could help or anything he could do, just 'Ok you're not coming, I'll remove you from the Facebook group'.

This isn't about the money at all really, is it?

That reaction is shit. There are plenty of ways this could have been handled without him paying for her but also without making it patently obvious he couldn't care less about her.

Do you think your DD is going to listen to and act upon this great big flashing warning sign? Or explain it away?

Ginseng1 · 18/09/2018 22:38

At 29/30 with a serious girlfriend why would he want to off on hols with a bunch of couples? He sounds mean & not bothered. She should plan her own cheaper hol without him n think about where the relationship going.

WineAndTiramisu · 18/09/2018 22:39

I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship if I were her.

I have a friend whose husband is still like that, even though they're married now, and he treats her like shite in other ways as well.

I'm the higher earner, and I paid for joint holidays with my partner at much less than 18 months together because I wanted to spend holidays with him (he was a student at that point).

Doesn't bode well for the future I'm afraid

Thebluedog · 18/09/2018 22:40

Yanbu, at those ages I’d expect him to either help her out financially or not go. I’m sorry but I couldn’t go on holiday and leave my dh behind if he couldn’t afford it, it’s just mean and selfish

Dillydallyingthrough · 18/09/2018 22:40

I don't think he's mean at all, they don't share finances- maybe all his savings are accounted for.

I think removing her from the group was a sensitive thing to do- who wants to get updates and excited messages about going on a holiday that you're not going on???

actualpuffins · 18/09/2018 22:40

The thing is, if you were really into someone, surely you wouldn't want them not to be included and would pull out of the holiday yourself.

LardLizard · 18/09/2018 22:40

Mean with money, mean with love

Frazzled2207 · 18/09/2018 22:42

Agree it's a bit mean and suggests he's not that into her Sad

adaline · 18/09/2018 22:43

I see both sides.

Why should he pay for her holiday when they're not even living together yet? They've not got shared finances or anything like that either.

But I can see why she's upset too. If the other girlfriends are "live in" though, or in a position to pay for themselves, then it's a difficult one.

DancingForTheDog · 18/09/2018 22:45

If he's like this at 18 months in, the only way is down. This should be the passionate, can't keep away from each other stage. a stingy partner is a huge turn-off for me. I'm a generous person and expect my partner to be the same. She deserves better than this man. I bet he stays at her place all the time, eats her food, uses her gas/electricity, sleeps under the roof she pays for, all for no charge. Am I correct?

magoria · 18/09/2018 22:45

Good opportunity for your DD to look at what to expect from this bloke if she stays with him.

Not that he should pay for the holiday more that he just chucks her straight out of the chat group and doesn't seem to care how she feels about it all.

category12 · 18/09/2018 22:45

Being removed from the holiday facebook group seems really off - there's no reason she couldn't have stayed in it. Excluding her is odd.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 22:48

Just been on phone to DD. To update:

She hasn't confronted him at all about how she feels yet, she's waiting to see how it plays out. I told her it's strange that he wants to go on holiday with other couples, and she told me its an adventure type holiday, so isn't really a romantic break away? Not that I think it matters really.

One of the other boyfriend's girlfriend couldn't afford it so he said he would like it to just be boys only, so as not to exclude her. They've since decided that neither of them should go because she can't afford it and he can't subsidise her. It's just added salt to DD wound I think.

Agreed I think she needs to reconsider where the relationship is going, I know my DH would not have wanted to leave me out at this stage in our relationship.

OP posts:
Ghostontoast · 18/09/2018 22:50

Looking at the worst case scenario in the future, he sounds the sort of bloke that if they did move in together and had a child, she would have to fund feeding and clothing the child and childcare from her money and pay 1/2 of all household bills to boot and be left permanently skint while his surplus money would be for his hobbies and socialising with his pals.

Thebluedog · 18/09/2018 22:50

I agree with Ghostontoast