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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 18/09/2018 21:51

Agree with SorryNotSorry.
It's also odd for a man in his thirties to be still living with parents as if he was still a boy.

Alpacanorange · 18/09/2018 21:51

I’m in two minds. The intention of being committed is different to being committed, married I mean. Certainly friends wouldn’t pay for the holiday of another or be expected to. Maybe he has been generous in the past and resents it.
But that said, I wouldn’t move in with someone who clearly wasn’t supportive in enabling me to holiday with them, friends and other couples.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:52

I could tell she was upset and disappointed when she told me about it, particularly the part about being removed immediately from the holiday Facebook group.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 18/09/2018 21:52

Total shit he is. Big warning to your DD too.

When I started dating my husband (I was 23, he 25), we wanted to go on holiday together after being together about 8 months. I couldn’t afford much, so he topped up the difference for me. Shows their real character.

Going forward, other holidays were similar. Once we moved in together (and then married), it’s shared money and doing things as a couple, not based on who had what money to do things.

Your daughter should really have a serious reflection on the relationship and is this the type of person she wants to move in with and all that will entail in the future.

BarbarianMum · 18/09/2018 21:52

He may be mean-spirited. Equally you sound a bit entitled. Did you bring your dd up to look for a man that can pay? Has she had less well-off boyfriends where she paid for them to go on holiday?

Dh and I paid our own way until we got engaged. After that we pooled everything.

Popc0rn · 18/09/2018 21:52

I think he's being a bit mean to not make any suggestions about lending her some or all of the money tbh. If I was in his position I wouldn't want to go on a couples holiday without my partner, I'd be gutted if he couldn't come.

And no, they don't share finances yet, but I bet if he lives at home then he regularly sleeps round her rented place and eats her food etc?

buggismyfav · 18/09/2018 21:54

I get where you're coming from op and I do think it's a bit mean!

I'm going to be goady now but... it reminds my of when DH and I were 19 and had only been with each other a few months. I had an unexpected car repair and couldn't afford to go on holiday anymore. Unbeknown to me he went to the car garage and paid the £400 repair with the last of his savings. Knew he was a keeper even then!

Loopytiles · 18/09/2018 21:54

He’s not her partner, he’s her boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like a serious relationship.

Sounds like if they do move in together the property would belong solely to him.

Loopytiles · 18/09/2018 21:55

His actions suggest he’s not that into her.

hooveringhamabeads · 18/09/2018 21:55

I booked a holiday today for me and the DCs. I have a bf who doesn’t live with us, but we’ve been together a year. I asked if he wanted to come and he said he can’t afford it. I could have afforded to pay for him too but I didn’t, Christmas is looming and I don’t want to leave myself short. Tbf in my 37 years I’ve never had a bf pay for me to go on holiday, and I would never expect anyone too. If I haven’t got the money I can’t go.

huggybear · 18/09/2018 21:56

He's in his 30s and lives with his parents.... And he can't even help her out? So attractive. YANBU.

BarryManilowRocks · 18/09/2018 21:56

Why on earth should he pay for her holiday? He's just a boyfriend, not a partner or a DH.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:56

My DD is very generous, as am I which is how I have brought her up. She is always the first to offer to pay for a friend if they can't afford something and I know if it were the other way round she would offer to pay for her partner.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/09/2018 21:56

Of course he doesn't have to pay for her. But it's a bit odd (unless there are other singles on the holiday) to want to go on a couples holiday without her. At 18 months in I'd have missed my now husband like crazy. I think most people would pay something for their own sake and the sake of their relationship to spend a holiday with their partner. Especially if they have a decent job and live with their parents and so have lots of disposable income. And 18 month in you know if you want a future with them and know they aren't a money grabber etc. At best he's being thoughtless

Fabricwitch · 18/09/2018 21:57

I think YABU. They are not sharing finances or even living together yet.
He probably has those savings for a reason (buying house, car, emergencies) like most of us do, and hasn't factored paying for someone else's holiday into his budget.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:57

Should clarify:

I do not expect or think he should pay for the whole holiday by any stretch.

But to not even offer to help with part of it, or try to organise it so she could afford it, or even suggest anything other than her not coming does seem mean and non-committal.

OP posts:
choli · 18/09/2018 21:57

Well, I don't think he should feel obliged to pay for your daughter's holiday as they don't live together or share finances.

However, if they are seriously discussing moving in together, they really need to seriously discuss how finances will be managed and divided. She should not move in with him blindly.

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 22:00

Second AF: not a keeper.

Kindness should be baseline.

Viviennemary · 18/09/2018 22:00

No I don't see why he should bankroll her if they are not even living together. If she wants somebody to supplement her income she needs to look elsewhere because he is not going to.

Loopytiles · 18/09/2018 22:01

He’s not her “partner”: they have dated 18 months, have no shared commitments and don’t live together!

Agree it sounds like he could afford to pay for her. it seems unlikely that he could have organised things to enable her to attend when there were loads of other people going and he wasn’t the organiser.

Removal from the Facebook page is by-the-by.

Iloveacurry · 18/09/2018 22:02

It seems a bit mean of him. I think I would be thinking the relationship isn’t that serious. Perhaps she should book herself a cheap holiday or weekend away with some girlfriends, if she can afford to.

Cblockbitch · 18/09/2018 22:04

I'd be wondering if I had been removed so I couldn't see who had been added if you get my meaning.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 18/09/2018 22:05

In what way is he her partner?

BarbarianMum · 18/09/2018 22:06

Choli's advice about having a really serious chat and reflect about how finances will be managed between them if they move in together is an excellent one. If it's his property not a joint venture your dd needs to be very careful to look after her own interests, keep saving for her own place and not ending up buying the furnishings or acting as housekeeper. In fact Id suggest not moving in together unless it's a joint enterprise.

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 22:07

I’d consider him her partner...at their ages and 18 months, it’s piss or get off the pot, really, to me. You know or you don’t.