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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/09/2018 08:40

He will clearly be tempted to cheat

This says so much more about you than it does about him. And not in a good way.

That said, I think it's fine for the OPs dd to dump him if this shows her their values are not closely aligned or their expectations are mismatched.

Fabricwitch · 19/09/2018 08:41

Madly in love couple's don't have to do everything together.
They don't even live together, but he's expected to pay (or contribute to) a £600-£800 holiday. That's the price of my engagement ring for goodness sake.
He's not loaded, he has savings because he lives with his parents and doesn't have a car, I would imagine he's saving for a house.

notacooldad · 19/09/2018 08:41

I'm not sure why the boyfriend should contribute.
They are independent adults who don't live together and don't have any connected finances.
If it was the other way round and the boyfriend couldn't afford it and the girlfriend was paying towards it there would be warnings that he was a cocklodge!
Removal from Facebook is perfectly normal when someone opts out of an event. I can see someone people stirring the pot but it's a normal thing to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2018 08:43

floralgrandma, if you're still reading this morass of knobbishness from some posters just ignore them, they're ignoring your updates because those are interfering with their thigh-rubbing frenzy which they get off on. I'm glad to see that they've been overtaken by posters who can read and comprehend without default judgement against women.

I just wanted to say how kind you sound and your daughter will be fine. Because she has you.

I agree with PP, even though she hasn't asked, don't give her money for the holiday, let her come to her own realisation that she deserves better - because she does. She'll see that for herself now I think.

Italiangreyhound · 19/09/2018 08:50

If your daughter wants children I wouldn't waste time dating a man unlikely to commit for a while.

DontBoreMe · 19/09/2018 08:54

Can she afford to go on holiday or not?

If she can't then she surely can't go? It's not reasonable to expect someone to pay for everything.

Maybe she needs to start saving for next years holiday so she can pull her own weight?

Isentthesignal · 19/09/2018 08:58

Not a keeper - either he is not that into her or he's mean - either way is not good!

PorkFlute · 19/09/2018 09:01

He’s a dick. You don’t go on a couples holiday without your partner. Either you help them out so they can go or you don’t go yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 09:08

She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one

Ignore the negatives on here op, this is very pertinent. If I were her, I would make a run for the hills. It seems extremely one sided, she is giving, and he is taking. I think op if you included this in your original post, you would have had less of the negatives on here. He sounds like a user, and would be a cocklodger imho. If they had kids, there would be big problems with him pulling his weight financially.

Lweji · 19/09/2018 09:11

This is a long term group of friends and he won't stop going because of a gf. Fine.

Subsidising gf to go on this sort of holiday shows a higher level of commitment that he clearly hasn't reached yet, or isn't prepared to go to.

Considering how much she contributes financially to the relationship, I'd re-evaluate it.
Does he borrow her car (not clear from "uses it"? Does he pay for petrol when they go on trips? It doesn't look like she stays at his, so she pays more on food, etc when he stays at hers, right?
I'd start asking for contributions to compensate for all she has spent so far on him.
Then see how he reacts and evaluate where the relationship is going.
Late 20s, 18 months in, I'd know if this was a life partner or not. And if hard decisions needed to be made, I'd make them.

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 09:12

As with a lot of very split threads, some people will only pick on some comments or avoid others. The repeated insistence that this is a "couples holiday" is being overly pedantic. It's actually an adventure holiday for a group of friends. The men were all friends first, over time girlfriends have come along, and been added to the group. But it's still a group of friends, of both sexes. People will be doing the adventure stuff in one big group; it's not each couple going off and spending the days on their own and all meeting up at night for meal and drinks.

I do think there is a difference between people who are dating and people who are living together and sharing finances. I don't see why, because someone you are dating can't afford to go on what is clearly a regular thing this group of friends does, it automatically means the other one has to stay home too. People are not joined at the hip, even when married; if one half of a couple who live together enjoys an activity that the other hates, the former should not have to give up that activity. If one hates skiing and the other loves it, no reason why the former can't go with a group of friends and go skiing while their partner goes off for a holiday with their friends sunning themselves on a beach. As long as they still do stuff together as well.

Or does everyone have to turn into Howard and Hilda from Ever Decreasing Circles?

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 09:14

@Aeroflotgirl True, but the OP also said this: "He treats her kindly, from what I have seen... he has surprised her with flowers, gifts and visits in the past etc. So this behaviour is by-and-large out of the ordinary for him."

Italiangreyhound · 19/09/2018 09:17

"But it's still a group of friends, of both sexes."

It sounded more like a it was a group of male friends.

Lweji · 19/09/2018 09:25

he has surprised her with flowers, gifts and visits in the past
Such sort of surprises can be considered red flags sometimes... It depends on context, but they don't make him a great partner.

PorkFlute · 19/09/2018 09:25

Whether it meets your definition of a couples holiday or not the ops did is the only gf not going.
I’m just imagining if my now dh had been in the position of not being able to afford to come on that sort of holiday with me 18 months into our r’ship and if I had the money of course I’d have paid! And I’m sure he’d have done the same. In fact I paid for one of my close friends when we went on a girls holiday recently because she was the only one of us (close group of friends) who couldn’t afford it so of course you’d pay for a partner if you could afford it rather than go without them! Unless you’re as tight as a ducks arse that is.

Loopytiles · 19/09/2018 09:26

Assume he’s not chipping in towards the cost of him using his gf’s car, eating food she pays for, staying in the property she rents?

So he’s subsidised by both his parents and gf, and is keeping his money for himself?

ErickBroch · 19/09/2018 09:28

Gender is irrelevant really, if it was the same situation for me and my partner but he couldn't afford it I would either not go or pay towards his cost, and he would do the same for me. He doesn't have to do it, but I think it's shitty yeah

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 09:32

@Lweji So he can't win, then, can he?

Moving back in with parents to be able to save for a deposit to buy a house seems very sensible, financially. Many people of both sexes are doing precisely the same thing and would be lauded on other threads if they were able to do this. It could, of course, mean that he is able to buy a house which may well be the house the OP's DD moves in to in due course. If equally could not....

OrdinarySnowflake · 19/09/2018 09:33

OP - put aside the issue of the holiday, perhaps you need to think about your DD's general issue being dating someone who is much better off than her, who hasn't lived independently. A man earning a large amount, in his early 30s, who has savings yet has decided to stay living with his Mum and Dad is not a good bet.

If after 18 months in his early 30s, no DCs each, and he's not suggesting they move in together, then he's not thinking this is a long term relationship.

Back off, be polite, but encourage your DD to do stuff with her own friends, does she have any friends to go away with? rather than pay for her to go on his friends' holiday, I'd offer to take her away for the weekend, just you two.

BarbarianMum · 19/09/2018 09:38

Actually the OP says up thread thst he did used to live independently but has moved back home to save. The big mummy's boy. Hmm

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 09:39

If after 18 months in his early 30s, no DCs each, and he's not suggesting they move in together, then he's not thinking this is a long term relationship

I know lots of couples in their late 20s and early 30s who've been together over two years and still not living together. I know people who have been together longer still before they actually moved in It MAY mean he's not thinking it's long term, but it equally MAY not. People move at different speeds in relationships for all sorts of reasons.

Seems to me the main issue for the OP's DD and her bloke is sitting down and really properly talking about where they see things going. Is it a case of she is really serious and he isn't? Is he just to the sort of bloke who ambles along? We all see things differently and the only way to KNOW is to TALK. Not sure there's really much talking going on between these two and that's not just necessarily one person's fault.

Lweji · 19/09/2018 09:41

So he can't win, then, can he?
Like I said, it depends on context.
I just wouldn't take it necessarily as a good thing.
Was it a surprise of things she wanted, or that he wanted?
And I'd value day to day support a lot more than flowers and random gifts.

Fitzsimmons · 19/09/2018 09:43

So many people missing the point of this thread. It's not the fact that he won't pay for the whole holiday that's bothering OP, it's the cold-hearted way he's gone about it, not even discussing potential solutions.

I also don't understand the argument that it can't be that serious after just 18 months. DH and I were engaged by 18 months and we're still together 12 years later Confused

OP it's pretty clear he's not that into her. When DH and I had been together for about a year we went on holiday together and I paid more than half because at the time he was a student and I was working and i wanted to go on holiday with him. I think she needs to use him being on holiday as an opportunity to step back and really consider her future with him.

LemonysSnicket · 19/09/2018 09:45

He shouldn't have to miss out because she can't afford it, they're a couple not Siamese twins. He could offer to lend her the money but he doesn't have to.
YABU

JellyBaby666 · 19/09/2018 09:46

All I could think while reading this thread was 'she just needs to talk to him.' Literally, if they've been together 18months and considering living together then she should be able to bring it up and talk about it with him. If she thinks this is indicative of his feelings for her, ie not that serious, then she needs to have that conversation too. Burying your head in the sand won't help anyone.

He could have been kinder in discussing the holiday, but your daughter OP is old enough to say 'What can we do? I'd love to come I just don't have the disposable income.' or whatever.

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