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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
llangennith · 19/09/2018 11:27

When I read the thread title I thought, well nothing wrong with separate holidays. But after reading your post I think her BF is being very mean.
Can she not see that he's obviously not that keen on her? Wouldn't surprise me if he finished with her after the holiday, of not before.

QueSera · 19/09/2018 11:30

The fact that he would even want to go if she couldn't, is what is upsetting, and I would say that indicates that he isn't serious about her. It's not about the money - it's about his feelings of wanting to be with his girlfriend. I'm really sorry to say that. I guess what I mean is, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would happily go away on a holiday with other couples without me. (It would be very different if it were a 'lads holiday'.)
As said above, he's just not that into her. And she deserves someone who is.

NutElla5x · 19/09/2018 11:31

I've been dating someone for 18 months. It may be getting serious, but we haven't quite worked it out yet. I've been going on holiday with the same group of friends and their girlfriends for years. My girlfriend can't afford it this year and although I have plenty of money and she does things for me like let me have use of her car and provides food etc when I stay at hers, I don't want to help her out so I'm going by myself as planned, but I'm getting the impression from her and her mum that they think I should be paying for her too. And apparently me taking her off the group chat so she didn't get upset watching everyone plan the holiday has been taken the wrong way too.They seem to think that just because I am loaded I should be generous to the girl I love.
A slightly more accurate version.

Abouttime1978 · 19/09/2018 11:31

From all you've written he's either not that into her or he is inherently miserly.

Neither are things I would want in a relationship.

If it were me, I'd rather go on a cheaper holiday with just my partner, or lend/give some money so partner could join in.

The whole paying for things 50/50 when they go out smacks more of friendship than partnership.

I'm not suggesting he pay for everything but by splitting it 50/50 everytime he seems not to want to be "out of pocket".

Even my friends buy a bottle of wine and then next time someone else buys. We don't keep tabs on exactly who has bought more as it all roughly evens out in the end.

If he was the one to remove her from the Facebook group then he's signalling his intentions loud and clear.

Time to stop wasting her life with this no hoper and move on x

ilovegin112 · 19/09/2018 11:39

So if I came on here saying that I lived at home and was trying really hard to save for my own place but that I was going on holiday with a group of my friends for a adventure holiday ( I go away every year with this group, mostly couples) it costs approx £800 plus spending money. My boyfriend of 18m was invited but said he couldn’t afford it now he and his mum are saying I should be offering to pay for some of it asbecause I live with my Parents I can afford it? People on here would be calling the boyfriend for everything not to mention what would be being said about his mother.

Also my friend is going to Australia in dec on holiday I’m skint I wonder if I can ring her up and ask her to pay for me to go

LemonysSnicket · 19/09/2018 12:12

I agree with the above. It's ridiculous. They're not married, they don't live together - his money is his money. You wouldn't expect DD to pay for him if reversed. I think it's quite sexist to see him as miserly for not handing over his money.

Lweji · 19/09/2018 12:19

The problem isn't only this trip.

It's that he seems to consider her car his car too and her home his home too, without contributing, but then it's his money to split bills and for the trip.
That's what's getting people's eyebrows raised.

ilovegin112 · 19/09/2018 12:22

I’m sorry but unless I’m living with somebody splitting bills etc then my money is my money

ilovegin112 · 19/09/2018 12:25

If he’s tight all the time then leave him, op said he’s always treating her nicely, if she wants him to pay for using her car then she should tell him that then

woolduvet · 19/09/2018 12:26

Does he stay at hers a lot, taking advantage of her rental place.
Yes to he shouldn't be paying but the fact that he couldn't seem to care less that she's not going isn't great.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2018 12:33

I think people are too quick to jump to conclusions here, and personally I'm on the fence.

It doesn't seem she has proposed any options either, she's simply said she can't afford it and is saving for a holiday for them. He clearly wants to go, she hasn't said could you lend me x, I can afford y, I'd love to go, how can we make this work. She's simply said no.

This is an expensive holiday, between 600-800 and then I assume spending on top of that, so possibly up to a grand or more. So I'm not sure he's the only one at fault for not proposing a way to get her there, she has also not proposed one. He may think he'd have to pay the lot and isn't willing to spend s grand on her, which depending on his finances may be fair enough.

ScrambledSmegs · 19/09/2018 12:34

The fact that he treats her car as his to use but doesn't contribute to petrol/maintenance etc isn't great. Combined with the holiday - this guy's attitude screams 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine'.

Never a good thing in a long term relationship.

wafflyversatile · 19/09/2018 12:34

I thought this was going to be with his mates and was all prepared to say whatevs, get over it.

Now of course it is not his obligation or responsibility but I would definitely offer to pay for a partner to go with me on this sort of holiday, under these circumstances if I could. Unless I didn't want to spend time with them which is not a great sign for the relationship. And because I would do that I would be hurt that he wouldn't do the same for me.

Also I would be concerned that he is tight-fisted or a bit of a freeloader. Those things will matter more if they are living together. It's fine if both of you are frugal spenders but a mismatch can cause problems. Also it sounds like she is willing to spend her money on them both but his money is for him only. Not a great sign either.

But it's up to your DD to decide if this is something she's ok with or if she wants to be less generous so that he has to spend more of his own money on them as a couple.

Ellapaella · 19/09/2018 12:41

I'n a bit on the fence here..
I don't think he should pay for her necessarily but if she's hard up why doesn't he suggest an alternative holiday for the two of them somewhere cheaper that she could afford?

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2018 12:47

I think the key point is she also didn't propose any options, she just said no and shut it down.

I really don't think the mother should be getting involved in her relationship like this and drip feeding poison into her ear. She's late twenties and a grown woman.

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 12:51

I go back to what I said earlier - where is the communication between them?

Everyone is on about him not paying anything when he stays over at the OPs DDs place, but if she isn't happy about that, she can open her mouth and say so. Just like she isn't proposing any solutions towards the holiday, is she saying how she wants their arrangement when he stays over sometimes to work financially? She's a grown woman! The OP says they split everything 50/50. So presumably if they eat out when he stays over, they split it. How much water and electricity over and above what she would spend that weekend would he actually run up? If they stay in and eat, does he pay half the food shopping? Does he cook ever? There are so many things we don't actually know before we can automatically assume he's a tosser.

When I met my ex at 26 I was living at home, she was many years older and had her own home. I would often spend weekends at hers because it simply couldn't work the other way around. We'd eat out and we'd split or take it in turns. If we stayed in, I might buy a food shop and cook. If we went to see a film, I might pay for her ticket too. I obviously should have given her £50 board and lodging too.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2018 12:53

Agree, it seems a lack of communication, but this is the mother talking, and as said, she wasn't there when the convo occurred, and is always going to take her daughters side, in her own words she said she thought he wasn't serious and now she seems to be using this as a way to prove it to her daughter.

The mum needs to back thr fuck off.

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 12:55

why doesn't he suggest an alternative holiday for the two of them somewhere cheaper that she could afford
Because he wants to go away with his friends - as he has done for many years before he started seeing the DD.
Should he let his friends down now he has a gf?

Tell them he can't go because his gf will be upset if he goes without her? He has to holiday with her or she will have to 'reconsider their relationship?'
The only red flags here are on her side, not his.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2018 12:58

The only red flags here are on her side, not his

Nor really. The daughter was a bit put out but brushing it off. It's rhe mother who got all up in her business and used this as a way to prove to her child rhe man wasn't into her or that serious.

Left to their own devices and without mummy dearest involvement they may well have got this resolved or put it behind them.

BobLemon · 19/09/2018 13:00

I live with an ungenerous man. if he proposed that we do expensive things when we were first dating, I would put it on a credit card so I could join in. 5 years later, he happily lets me pay for half of everything we do with his 3DCs (birthdays, holidays, days out). But when I couldn't afford to attend a daytime festival recently, and I didn't want to put it on a credit card, he just went without out me. I can't believe the situation I'm in. He out earns me by a good margin.

Help your daughter leave this ungenerous man.

Ellapaella · 19/09/2018 13:06

@BarryManilowRocks I didn't suggest he shouldn't still go with his friends...
I suggested he also look for a holiday that he and his GF can do together that she can afford.

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 13:10

I suggested he also look for a holiday that he and his GF can do together that she can afford

A suggestion that she could also have made. But apparently didn't. Again, these two don't communicate!

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 13:11

Ellapaella You used the phrase 'alternate holiday'. Not 'additional', 'second' or 'another'.

incywincybitofa · 19/09/2018 13:18

@boblemon why do you stay?
Op I wonder what your DD would think if she read the thoughts on this thread

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 19/09/2018 13:20

Has your dd made a big show about everything being 50/50? He might not be offering so as not to offend if her normal stance is 'I must always pay for myself'.