Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 09:49

@Lweji And I'd value day to day support a lot more than flowers and random gifts

Yes. But day to day support is easier when two people live together, rather than living apart, which this relationship seems to be at present.

LemonysSnicket · 19/09/2018 09:51

And I don't think it's your choice to decide if he's not that into her over a holiday - some people think differently to you and if he's in his 30s he won't be used to paying for someone else. He could be really into her and it's her relationship to decide that.
Don't sabotage it because DD is upset

Ghostontoast · 19/09/2018 09:56

I agree with fitzsimmons, it’s the cold closing out of the group.

I bet he doesn’t even put fuel in her car when he uses it. He sounds like a user.

IABURQO · 19/09/2018 10:06

That's a good point @fitzsimmons and @ghostontoast, locking someone out of the group discussion is a bit odd. Normally people might leave because they don't want to hear chapter and verse about what will or won't be booked, but in similar circumstances most people would just leave them in unless they choose to remove themselves. I can think of several similar instances where people stayed on the group contributing comments like "We stayed at x last year and it was great so worth considering, I really wish I could come!"

Karigan198 · 19/09/2018 10:08

Yeah that’s what gets me too. What if she found the money? They should have left it to her to decide to leave or not

HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 10:08

Wouldn't it be more "normal" for him to say, "Fancy going on holiday? I've got £X. How much can you put in?" and then choosing somewhere based on their joint funds?

And yes, I agree, removing her from the FB group sounds very odd.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 10:08

Thank you to everyone who has pointed out that it's not about expecting him to pay for the whole holiday, its about his lack of willingness to look for any potential solutions so that she can come. The cold way he has gone about it i.e. removal from facebook group without even letting her know first.

He does not put fuel in the car when he uses it or when they both use it collectively for evenings out etc. DD is very generous, as am I, and would always share everything she has got with family, friends, boyfriends etc.

I have spoken to her about bringing this up with him and explaining how she feels, which she has told me she is going to do later as he is coming to her place. I will update you later with what the outcome of the conversation is.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 10:10

I disagree with you about her talking to him, OP.

He has shown her who he is.

At her age, that's the best thing he could have done. If she talks to him and he agrees that he won't go, that will actually go against his natural inclination which was to be selfish and to block her. That will happen again, even if she persuades him this time. That's what he's like.

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 10:16

its about his lack of willingness to look for any potential solutions so that she can come

What solutions has your DD looked for and proposed? Aren't relationships two-way streets? Yes, he hasn't looked for a solution to her not being able to afford the holiday but what has she done either?

Lweji · 19/09/2018 10:28

But day to day support is easier when two people live together,

Day to day support can be chipping in for petrol, and bringing in food when staying in, which it doesn't look like he's doing.
Flowers wouldn't cut it for me.

user1492863869 · 19/09/2018 10:28

The relationship appears doomed for many reasons

Different attitudes to money, sharing, independence/ codependency; Not being able to define or discuss where their relationship or have a discussion about something that annoys or upsets you and instead silently fuming; Not being aware you have upset the other person;

An over involved parent - I mean this kindly OP but you will never think of him well and this will impact on them if they stay together.

The OP should have told her daughter that if she, the daughter, is annoyed or unhappy then she needs to tell the boyfriend that. He can explain his actions. She can explain her response. They can use the opportunity to define what they are doing together and where the relationship is going.

My take, he sees her as a girlfriend. She sees him as a future husband. He expects her to be independent and she expects him to be codependent. He is saving for his deposit on his home. She thinks he is saving for a deposit on their home. He sees finding money for a holiday with his friends as a priority. She doesn’t think it is a priority to go on holiday.

They have hit a critical point in their relationship that exposes the differences. They need to talk. It’s not a matter of who is right in this situation it’s about how they deal with it. A mumsnet referendum on the matter won’t help them identify or resolve their differences. People are allowed to be different and to have different lifestyles and life aspirations. The OPs daughter needs to recognise that and articulate what she wants. If she can’t do that then she will have problems in all her relationships and in all aspects of her life. She’s old enough to resolve this without her mother.

Lweji · 19/09/2018 10:29

He does not put fuel in the car when he uses it

So, he does borrow it for his own purposes. What a CF.

ThunderInMyHeart · 19/09/2018 10:29

It doesn't matter whether the DD has looked for solutions herself! The whole point is that if the BF showed empathy and consideration or a bloody shoulder, there would no issue! This isn't about her, it's about him not being cold-hearted.

Lweji · 19/09/2018 10:31

An over involved parent

Yes to this. That was my first thought at the thread and something for you to have a good think about, OP.

Stay off as much as possible, even if she's going to you for advice.

ThunderInMyHeart · 19/09/2018 10:35

OP, I don't think you're over-involved at all. You're not ordering her about...seems like you're observing from the sidelines ready to guide.

And, FWIW, having dated some real fucktards in my time, I wish my parents had been more involved and just said 'utter tosser. Bin him'.

ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 10:36

Applauds user - spot on

kaitlinktm · 19/09/2018 10:37

They go to nice places, split the costs 50/50
Fair enough - they both pay their way

he has surprised her with flowers, gifts and visits in the past etc
That's nice - I daresay she buys him little gifts too though doesn't she?

He uses her car - I expect that's for free though, apart from maybe a bit of petrol, so the tax, running costs are down to her - what about the insurance? Does he pay the difference?

Does he spend much time at hers? (Sorry if you have already answered this). What does he contribute there? Not saying contribute to bills etc, but does he do shopping, contribute food/drink?

It is beginning to look uneven to me - and the fact that he seems perfectly happy to go away and enjoy himself without her.

Will she go away with some friends (on a cheaper holiday) herself?

kaitlinktm · 19/09/2018 10:40

Sorry just read User's post which quoted your answer about the petrol. Actually I think I agree with User too.

RB68 · 19/09/2018 10:42

He seems to have a very different attitude to money - whats his is his but whats hers is his if he wants it - ie car - without understanding the costs she has. She shares he doesn't - makes for a shit marriage if this attitude continues

CantankerousCamel · 19/09/2018 10:43

Your DD is set to become one of those women trying to feed herself and her child on child benefit money while her ‘partner’ swans around spending ‘his’ money

Massive red flag, tell her to get out

girlwithadragontattoo · 19/09/2018 10:56

I've been dating someone for 18 months. It may be getting serious, but we haven't quite worked it out yet. I've been going on holiday with the same group of friends for years. I save up for it so I can go and enjoy myself. My girlfriend can't afford it this year and I can't afford to pay for her. So I'm going by myself as planned, but I'm getting the impression from her and her mum that they think I should be paying for her too. And apparently me taking her off the group chat so she didn't get upset watching everyone plan the holiday has been taken the wrong way too. I think they assume I'm loaded and paying for her is trivial, which it isn't

Agree with this

LemonysSnicket · 19/09/2018 11:05

Also it was probably one of his mates who removed her from the group - my friends do his because it would be rude to have someone getting loads of notifications from people chatting about a holiday she's not going on.
The solution is that it's not solely his choice where they're going on holiday, all of his friends have input too. The solution is that she finds the money or she doesn't go, maybe they go in a cheaper holiday together.

NutElla5x · 19/09/2018 11:11

girlwithadragon You seem to have conveniently missed the part where op says that he has a lot of savings and more than enough money to help her, and omitted to mention the fact that everyone else's girlfriends are going yet he doesn't seem the slightest bit bothered by the fact his won't be able to because she has rent and bills to pay and a car to run.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 11:18

I don’t think it is very nice and is an indication of who he really is.

It’s not about money per se, it seems to be about how he is not considering her feelings. I’ve been the daughter; pretending it’s all ok, holding it together,.. but deep down very hurt and embarrassed. Probably going to be exacerbated after the holiday with all the shared stories, adventures, and pictures.

As a mother, I think you’re right to be concerned, and I don’t think it’s necessarily fair that you’ve been told to butt out- you’re daughter has confided in you. I too would be upset on her behalf, and try to understand it.

There’s no solution to this me though, I’m afraid. Your dc’s decision is to stand by him for now, holiday imminent and fuel user galore.

All you can do is be there and support, and from what I can see; you’re doing just that.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 11:18

*your