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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:

OrdinarySnowflake · 19/09/2018 13:25

The bit about him not putting petrol in the car also made me think that he's a bit childish in his thinking - if he's only ever driven cars owned by his parents, then it's probably 'normal' not to think about putting petrol in, or the cost of running the car.

If he's never lived independently from his parents, he's not had to think about budget and money beyond a teenage point of view of it being his. It sounds like he's just not done the next step.

justme28 · 19/09/2018 13:29

He sounds strange and insensitive.

I'm sure it's already been said, but I bet my last penny he benefits from the fact that she lives on her own and stays over, eats her food, and uses her electricity, all of which are the reason she doesn't have much disposable income.

I'm not saying he should just give her the money, but at least offering to lend it her and set up a way for her to repay if he is in a position to do so would be kind.

TemptressofWaikiki · 19/09/2018 13:32

Nothing is worse than a mean spirited and selfish partner. This really isn’t about OP’s daughter expecting him to pay for an expensive holiday. Making her out to be grabby and entitled is really disingenuous. It is the emotionally detached and cold way, he went about things. Worse still while on the surface, it looks like they split everything 50/50 that simply isn’t the case. OP’s DD is on a lower income and she pays the rent, bills, car insurance, petrol, as well as for groceries. All of this allows her partner to stay at hers and benefit from the amenities of her financial sacrifices. I am pretty sure that it follows a pattern that her place is where they mostly spent time together because they have privacy. He doesn’t even have the basic courtesy to top up the car he borrows or replace the fuel used, nor does he pay for food. If you add up all of which he literally takes for free, he is a massive piss-taker and cock lodger in the making. And the saddest thing is if you actually added up all the costs she solely pays out, she probably could afford several expensive holidays! Someone who is generous in spirit and money tends to rarely tally up what they have paid out or done for someone else. This is what makes them generous. I wish the OP had actually mentioned all of the additional details in her original post because I reckon that would have led to a very different slant to the majority of responses. This is a selfish, thoughtless and entitled man. And the OP is not overinvested in her DD’s life. I doubt anyone would like to see their loved ones used and taken advantage of. The holiday really is just the catalyst to evaluate the entire relationship. If he a decent man he should in future pay her a regular amount to contribute to genuinely half of the expenses.

Sommelierrrr · 19/09/2018 13:36

Tempressofwaiikii (great name btw) has it exactly right.

Also anyfucker, as always - this one is not a keeper. Either a thoughtless oversight or a more entrenched sense of entitlement and meanness. The latter two being unworkable in a long term relationship.

Op you sound lovely. All the best to your daughter

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 13:36

I cant help noticing that a lot of posters banging on about equality and how this is on the OPs daughter and how she needs to be more independent (despite the fact she lives on her own in a flat) are not usernames i recognize as posting regularly on the Feminism board.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2018 13:44

Why is he the selfish one and not the daughter? It's right she goes 50/50 on joint expenses. They don't live together and have only been together 18 months. He buys her gifts etc, At this stage it should not be he pays for her.

And she's the one wanting subsidised to go on holiday she can't afford, yet he's the selfish one?

PorkFlute · 19/09/2018 14:04

The fact is if the dd does move in with this man he will likely always be in a better financial situation. He is outearning her now, he is a man so likely to get more promotions, if they have kids she will be the one taking the bulk of the leave then as the lower earner taking time off when the kids are sick etc further reducing her employability/earning potential. If he’s not going to put his hand in his pocket to ensure they have a similar standard of living after a year and a half together and talking about living together he never will.
I’ve seen it happen before. The op will be trying to pay for everything for her and the kids out of her wage/whatever child benefits she gets while he gets to live like a bachelor going on holidays with his mates. Your dd can do better op. I agree with what a pp said - her bf has shown who he is so she needs to sit up and take notice and think of the potential future ramifications. He may well be thinking that she isn’t a long term prospect for him. She would be wise to think the same.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 14:06

DH and i were living together after 3 months and married after six years.

Its actually our 20th wedding anniversary today.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 14:09

YY Pork Flute Thats why i said the posters berating her now will be the same ones asking later on "well didnt you see the signs"

there would probably be so much name changing so they could do this that MN would crash!

PorkFlute · 19/09/2018 14:16

Happy anniversary!

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 14:41

Ta Flute

Logits · 19/09/2018 14:44

Not sure what point you're trying to make here.

bakingdemon · 19/09/2018 14:46

My husband is going on holiday without me next month. It's a sport related thing I don't enjoy but which he loves. I often go out for dinner with my friends and without him and go away for the weekend without him. We're not joined at the hip just because we're in a relationship. I think YANBU.

bakingdemon · 19/09/2018 14:46

Sorry, meant YABU!

Hont1986 · 19/09/2018 14:47

Agree with the poster above who said that the boyfriend is probably not as serious about things as DD is. Of course there's the usual chorus of "cocklodger" based on almost nothing.

Hont1986 · 19/09/2018 14:48

I think posters who are into the idea of equality should steer well clear of the Feminism board!

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 14:50

Im making the point that some only want the bits of feminism that suit them

Thats also why i pointed out the huge discrepancy between those men who insist on going 50/50 on dates but later on wont do the same with childcare.

If the people arguing "well feminism" really believed in it their names would be appearing on the Feminism board a lot more often or at all.

Instead of using Feminism as a weapon to metaphorically beat women with.

Logits · 19/09/2018 14:51

Thats why i said the posters berating her now will be the same ones asking later on "well didnt you see the signs"

Really, you have no idea how anyone would react. Aren't you the one who made the comment that the people who think they're not partners yet would engage in 'mental gymnastics' if the DD were to cheat? And the Feminism board comment. Maybe stop making baseless assumptions and assertions about people you do not know? It's quite odd.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 14:52

Logits ive seen it on here before Sorry if i touched a nerve!!!

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 14:56

They are either partners or they are not. You cant have it both ways.

And as a childfree by choice woman i particularly "enjoyed" the comment on how she hasnt had kids for him or sacrificed her career for him intimating she is somehow a second class partner in a relationship because of this.

Logits · 19/09/2018 15:04

Im making the point that some only want the bits of feminism that suit them

How does paying your own way rather than expecting a man to pay suit them? Surely this only applies to the (one) posters who said he should pay because he's a man?

If the people arguing "well feminism" really believed in it their names would be appearing on the Feminism board a lot more often or at all.

Because the mumsnet Feminism board is the only way to get involved with feminism? You have no idea what anyone else does/doesn't do for feminism or why they may not want to post on that particular board. There're been threads on here in the past where people have shared their reasons.

Instead of using Feminism as a weapon to metaphorically beat women with.

The fact that you think saying 'she should pay her own way' is 'beating' her and 'woman hating' (you used that phrase before I think) reveals a lot about you. And if the Feminism board is full of people who think that way I'm not surprised that people avoid it.

Logits · 19/09/2018 15:07

They are either partners or they are not. You cant have it both ways.

An exclusive boyfriend is a boyfriend but not a partner. They don't live together or share finances but they've agreed to not see other people. If she were to see other people, that would be cheating. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Ellapaella · 19/09/2018 15:15

@Bluntness100 alternate holiday for the two of them. Additional holiday for him. Whatever. Either is an option for them if he's that bothered about having time away with his girlfriend. If he still wants to go on holiday with his friends of course he should. DH and I have regular trips away with friends separately - he goes on an annual snow boarding holiday with his mates, I go away with my girlfriends. We also have a holiday together.
But maybe the Boyfriend in this scenario isn't that fussed about considering his girlfriend.

Ellapaella · 19/09/2018 15:15

Sorry @Bluntness100 I didn't mean to tag you.. that comment was in reply to @BarryManilowRocks

ToothTrauma · 19/09/2018 15:18

I would advise your DD to run like the hills. He’s telling her who he is and she needs to listen.

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