HELP sister had a breakdown. Niece moving in with us. I'm six months pregnant.

[newmummy0094]

I didn't know what to put for the topics so sorry if it is wrong.
I really need some advice.
My sister suffers from very bad PND and has done since my niece was tiny. My niece is four now and has just started school but when she was two my sister had a breakdown and I had to look after my niece for about a year.
Last night this happened again.

My nieces dad is away on business but is obviously flying back now this has happened.

Last night my sisters neighbour rang the police because my sister was lying in the garden naked at three in the morning. My niece was alone in the house so the police got social services involved. Because something similar happened before they released her into our care. As in me and my partner. They did however make it clear that if we didn't look after her she would be taken into care as my sister is an unfit mother.
My nieces dad just can't cope when my sister gets bad. So he really isn't fit to look after my niece and my sister.

My sister found out she was pregnant again which we think is what caused this.
I could see this coming and but I didn't know what to do. I can't believe I didn't do something.

Obviously my niece wasn't in school today but I don't know if I should send her in tomorrow and keep her routine or keep her off as she is really tired with the stress.

I'm going to be looking after her for months at least I think so I just need some general advice about looking after four year olds.

I'm also six months pregnant and I'm really worrying about juggling everything.
The only family me and my sister have is my dad but he lives in America.
Just to make it clear I am happy to look after my niece as I'm all she has.

@FruitofAutumn op has mentioned up thread that the dad can't cope with DS alone and is more worried about his wife as he cares about her more so I don't think that'll happen. That's what a decent dad would do though. I'd be livid if DH prioritised me over our kids.

DD not DS

@FruitofAutumn there was more background in a previous thread.

OP has been a fantastic support for her DN for years and took responsibility for her for an extended period of time when her sister fell ill initially.

Some Amazing advice given to the OP. So just coming along to say I think you are amazing for looking after your niece in these difficult circumstances. You should be very proud of yourself.

Lovely aunt! You've had loads of advice but definitely get the school involved.

Good luck with everything. I hope your sister gets treatment and recovers

I hope your niece is feeling a bit better today OP must be difficult for her but at least she has you and your partner to support her

I remember reading your last post about her room and thinking how lucky she was to have you. Thats not changed. She still is very lucky to have an aunt who cares for her dearly and can offer the stability and safe environment she needs.

You have got this

Update

Thank you for all your support. I thought that I should give a bit of an update.

My niece ended up not going to school today as she was up and down in the night and was shattered this morning. My partner has also taken the rest of the week off to help me with arrangements.

My niece had a nap first thing this morning and as I was leaving her bedroom I burst into tears for some reason. I rang a therapist today and I'm going to have weekly sessions I have also arranged weekly sessions for my niece with a child therapist.

I have made an appointment at my nieces school for Friday with the head, the senco and her class teacher. They have recommended she stay off till after that meeting.

We have got a meeting with the my sisters team on Friday morning to discuss the next steps. We will find out then what will happen with her and the new baby.

I've got my meeting with ss tomorrow so I will ask tonnes of questions (I've made a huge list).

My dad is going to fly in for four weeks when my baby is born to help out so that's a relief.

I've been making loads of phone calls today and I've had loads of messages so now my head is about to explode.

OP - I have no practical advice to offer, but I just wanted to say you're amazing! X

Busy day op! Well doneyoure doing a fabulous job

Well done newmummy - you've made lots of progress today. I hope the meetings go well this week.

You are and will do an amazing job. I am glad you are getting support too.

Remember you need to try and rest too.

You're doing a fantastic job and sounds like you have thought of everything (I work in a children's services job). It's great that you are thinking not only about your niece but also your own needs. Head up

OP that's amazing, you have achieved so much. I'm so glad you will both get some professional help. Also glad DDad will help too.

Good luck for this week's meetings

One thing that springs to mind is for you to talk regularly about your niece’s parents to her ( I know this sounds obvious but my GS is a similar age and has a useless and very absent father)
I say this as I’ve noticed within my family people avoiding mentioning my GCs father to him. However your niece’s parents will be the most important people in her little her little mind and IMO it should stay that way. So I think what I’m trying to say clumsily is for you to be constant in assuring her how much her Mummy and Daddy love her and that she will return to their care as soon as Mummy is well again. It’s very clear you love her very much and she will know this from your actions. However the very best scenario will be for her to return as soon as is possible to her parents

You sound like you’re doing a wonderful thing but you do really need to have support from the father who sounds absent at best. I was a child whose mother was in and out of mental hospitals growing up. The first time I remember was when I was 4. I can still remember the visitors room, seeing my mum etc. I hope to god they are better with visiting children now but it was very unsettling and quite a scary experience that still stays with me today. There was no counselling etc available then and it sounds like there are provisions in place via school to help both of you.

The thing that kept stability for me was a very present father and grandmother. Your niece needs her father and he can’t just abdicate his responsibilities. Where you can step in and help out that will always be noticed and appreciated but it isn’t fair that you have to look after her long-term when she has a father.

Sounds perfectly well organised for now. Well done. If possible, try to rest with your niece today. Be that watching tv, going to the park, whatever. Try to sit down and stop.

This must be so stressful for you but thank goodness your partner is helpful in this situation too.

I hope today goes as well as it can and that your niece catches up on her rest.

I think we don't realise how much things are affecting us until we break down, so you've been dealing with all the practicalities and now the emotions have hit. It's so good that you've booked sessions for yourself as well as your niece, you sound very level headed and capable. I hope your niece settles down soon, I think you know her best and how to soothe her as you've had a close and continued bond. I find kids are more likely to open up and talk if you do some sort of quiet activity together like crafting, and then they have the opportunity to start talking honestly whilst they're half distracted. Listening to her, reassuring her and lots of cuddles might help her with the trauma.
As for the new babies, I suppose it will be a bit like dealing with twins. So hard work but doable. Would you be able to get a nanny or someone to help? If so, it would probably be a good idea to get them introduced to your niece before the babies arrive so it's not too many changes at once.

@user1471426142
I really don't mind having my niece. Her dad isn't a bad person he is just not a good father. If I'm honest I don't think he wants to look after her. He hasn't been in contact about my niece once since this happened.

She is better off with us. She has already seen one parent break down she doesn't need to see another.

newmummy0094 She is really very lucky to have you. I hope you both get the support you need. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without a stabilising force in my life. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never had any mental problems and have gone on to do well. I’ve since realised that statistically that perhaps shouldn’t have been the case. If the poor girl hasn’t got stability from either of her parents then she does desperately need you.

You are really doing a grace job, you truly are this little girls world.
Mind yourself too and try get carve some time for yourself if possible.
All the best for this difficult journey and I hope your niece has a wonderful childhood with you which I am positive she will

Great even

What an amazing person you are. Sending love to your little niece & sister.

Op you are wonderful. I’m worried about you though. Soon you’ll have 3 very young children to care for by the sounds of things. And what is to stop your sister becoming pregnant again. I think when all calms down this is a conversation you and your partner need to have with the child’s father, and social services. Take care of yourselves too.