HELP sister had a breakdown. Niece moving in with us. I'm six months pregnant.

[newmummy0094]

I didn't know what to put for the topics so sorry if it is wrong.
I really need some advice.
My sister suffers from very bad PND and has done since my niece was tiny. My niece is four now and has just started school but when she was two my sister had a breakdown and I had to look after my niece for about a year.
Last night this happened again.

My nieces dad is away on business but is obviously flying back now this has happened.

Last night my sisters neighbour rang the police because my sister was lying in the garden naked at three in the morning. My niece was alone in the house so the police got social services involved. Because something similar happened before they released her into our care. As in me and my partner. They did however make it clear that if we didn't look after her she would be taken into care as my sister is an unfit mother.
My nieces dad just can't cope when my sister gets bad. So he really isn't fit to look after my niece and my sister.

My sister found out she was pregnant again which we think is what caused this.
I could see this coming and but I didn't know what to do. I can't believe I didn't do something.

Obviously my niece wasn't in school today but I don't know if I should send her in tomorrow and keep her routine or keep her off as she is really tired with the stress.

I'm going to be looking after her for months at least I think so I just need some general advice about looking after four year olds.

I'm also six months pregnant and I'm really worrying about juggling everything.
The only family me and my sister have is my dad but he lives in America.
Just to make it clear I am happy to look after my niece as I'm all she has.

I’d say if she is tired and a little bit stressed then keep her home with you for a few days until she seems settled and happy. Speak to the school and let them know what’s going on so they can speak to you if she still seems stressed at school. Your sister sounds like she is going to get the help she needs, your a really good sister and Aunty.

I remember your thread about the bedrooms, I'm so sorry your sister has got worse but your niece is very lucky to have you for stability her dad should be stepping up though as right now his daughter needs him...I agree with other posters who has said to work with the school as they will be able to give her the added support she will need whilst at school

@HoleyCoMoley
My sisters husband has a Mum but she is an alcoholic so isn't trusted with my niece. He also has a sister but they don't really speak.

OP I remember your previous threads, you sound amazing. It's so sad that your DS is so bad.

Fully agree the DD of your DN needs to step up

Definitely see if the school/GP/SS can assist with counselling.

Wishing you all the best

@Screaminginsidemeagain
We don't have any info from ss at the moment but we have a meeting on Thursday so I will ask about counselling. Thank you for mentioning it as I wouldn't have even thought.

I would get your neice back to school as soon as possible. Keep things as normal as possible. She may be very tired as you say and may have been frightened and hyperalert while her mum has been ill. I guess you have to settle her in and make her feel safe. Make sure she rests but ultimately her school routine and friends will help her even if she is tired.

@newmummy0094 no advice but wanted to say that you are amazing. She’s a lucky girl to have you in her life.

Thingy has some good points, but I suspect the OH’s neice isn’t a looked after child (i.e. a child ‘in care’) but simply a child being cared for by a family member with parental agreement and the social worker’s approval. The distinction is quite important in terms of what services/suppory are provided to the family at this time.

Also, counselling can be helpful if there are specific problems arising but love, consistent care and routine (what you’re doing) are by far the most significant contributions to her emotional wellbeing, so don’t worry if no counselling is available.

@covetingthepreciousthings
She isn't diagnosed with postnatal psychosis but the doctors think she might have it. I think she will probably be diagnosed while she is in hospital.

@covetingthepreciousthings
I'm don't know about a mother baby unit. She would have to be a lot better than she is now.

If he actually prioritised his wife though he would be taking his caring responsibilities seriously and reducing the load on her so she could recover fully, instead of abandoning her to drown on her own. Not really the actions of someone who cares for his wife or his child.

Op, please make sure you remember to keep looking after yourself through all this too. If there are any ways for you to access support for yourself don't feel you'd be wasting people's time or "taking up resources". What you're dealing with is massive, so don't forget to keep an eye on how your own oxygen mask is doing, not just everyone else's.

@Littlefish
I think she will be with me for the foreseeable future to be honest.
I just want what is best for her so what ever that is I will go with.

@newmummy0094 not necessarily, the mother & baby unit I'm talking about is a specialised psychiatric unit which is specially for mothers dealing with post natal psychosis to help them care for their babies & bond. I think there may only be a few in the country, but my relative was sent to one. She was in a very bad place at the time.

Just might be worth asking the hospital team whether this type of MH care would be available when the baby is born if she is still suffering or likely to suffer again.

@Quartz2208
I just don't think I could let my family be put up for adoption

even if ultimately it would be the best (for the new baby). Your nieve absolutely should be with you though

But your sister needs to get well and her partner is a part of that - he sounds an awful father

OP you've got this. You already look after her a couple of times a week. You will find you know more than you think you do. The main things are:

Speak to School and inform them of the situation

Make a list of questions before your social services meeting on Thursday. what support is available to you both Is the main one I can think of but you will have more. Start writing them down.

Keep her in a routine as best you can.

Bring her things from home. She already has a bedroom right? I'd keep her in there for the moment but add in stuff form home for comfort. You can worry about moving later once the baby is here and out of your room if needed. Right now she needs the stability.

I'd keep her in school. The routine will be good for her and it will give you space in the day to make calls and sort out the official stuff as well as give you time to rest.

Remember to look after yourself as well. You and your partner are doing an amazing thing. It will be hard but you can do it. You've done this before. You can do it again. Take the help you are offered. Be kind to yourself. You are doing an amazing thing.

@MyDcAreMarvel
He isn't capable when he is on his own. Last time my sister had a breakdown he got severe depression and just couldn't look after him self let alone a child.

@PurpleCrazyHorse
Yes she is in reception. This is her first full week but she had been on phased return.
I'm going to get a meeting with the school on Friday to ask a load of questions. I will note down what you said to ask. Thank you.

You are doing a great thing here and there is no Haynes manual for kids but some good advice from posters.
School will give you the run down on times, kit, uniform, bags etc. Just ask them. If you are bringing stuff back from her house, make sure you grab all the uniform and school bits. All pants, socks and clothes. Check the laundry area for her stuff. Favourite ted etc.
Make sure school have your details. It sounds like pr may be an issue so it may need some formal fostering/guardianship style legal thing putting on place, especially if you end up with baby too and mum and dad are unable to make these decisions.
If she is going to be with you for extended period, consider the family allowance transfer but watch out for the pay deductions if you or your dh are earning £50k plus.
As others have said, routine is key. Lots of cuddles and firm guidance, especially as she is likely to be scared and may regress. Lots of big girl jobs like shopping help, meal prep and bed making, with gallons of praise....and lots of sleep.
My hat is raised to you both for doing this wonderful thing.

@Starlight345
She has always come to our house twice a week so we are very close.

She spent most of today crying and sleeping as she was taken in a police car to the station waiting for social services to arrive. She didn't know anyone or what was happening and I don't think anyone tried to explain anything.
I'm hoping she will feel better tomorrow.

Dad sounds rather pathetic tbh.

Thank goodness she has a devoted person who loves her.

I remember your last thread OP- you're an amazing person and it's clear how much you love and care for your DN. It is obvious in every post that she's your priority.

Has there been any discussion on what's likely to happen if and when your sister delivers the baby she's expecting? Will she and her husband look to you to take on more caring responsibilities when you've had your own baby as well as looking after their older child?

I have a 4yr old who just started school. He's exhausted without all the trauma.
Personally I'd let her sleep tomorrow, when she wakes ask her is she's ready to go to school. She might be better if you spend the day sorting stuff like getting her stuff from home, then maybe go and see the head later on. But I wouldn't keep her out beyond tmrw. Routine us definately kjbg!

I also posted on your recent thread OP , you are a wonderful sister and aunty and your niece is lucky to have you and your partner to care for her . Frankly much as you love your sister and are very kind about your BIL I think you need to just concentrate on your niece and your pregnancy for the foreseeable future which means getting her back to school and into a routine that suits you and your partner . Take care of yourself though .