HELP sister had a breakdown. Niece moving in with us. I'm six months pregnant.

[newmummy0094]

I didn't know what to put for the topics so sorry if it is wrong.
I really need some advice.
My sister suffers from very bad PND and has done since my niece was tiny. My niece is four now and has just started school but when she was two my sister had a breakdown and I had to look after my niece for about a year.
Last night this happened again.

My nieces dad is away on business but is obviously flying back now this has happened.

Last night my sisters neighbour rang the police because my sister was lying in the garden naked at three in the morning. My niece was alone in the house so the police got social services involved. Because something similar happened before they released her into our care. As in me and my partner. They did however make it clear that if we didn't look after her she would be taken into care as my sister is an unfit mother.
My nieces dad just can't cope when my sister gets bad. So he really isn't fit to look after my niece and my sister.

My sister found out she was pregnant again which we think is what caused this.
I could see this coming and but I didn't know what to do. I can't believe I didn't do something.

Obviously my niece wasn't in school today but I don't know if I should send her in tomorrow and keep her routine or keep her off as she is really tired with the stress.

I'm going to be looking after her for months at least I think so I just need some general advice about looking after four year olds.

I'm also six months pregnant and I'm really worrying about juggling everything.
The only family me and my sister have is my dad but he lives in America.
Just to make it clear I am happy to look after my niece as I'm all she has.

Practical advice.

A 4yo who has just started school.

Be nice to the people in the school office. Do you have anything official to wave at them (e.g. from SS ?)

You'll need to ask the school for the new parents info they will have sent new starters so you are up to speed with info, and make sure you are down as carer for emergency contact etc.

She will be learning to read and they may want you to read with her daily. They may also want you to practice counting, and colouring in.

You'll need to find out how they deal with PE kit and stuff.

Try to get to know some other Mums at the school gates, even if only 1 or 2, as they can point you at info and help with routines or whatever. You'll need to know what to say so 'DN's Mum isn't well so DN is living with me right now' or something.

She'll be very tired, so in the absence of other info try lights out time of 7:30pm (bath, teeth story, lights out).

Going from zero (or 0.5 in your case) to a 4yo is a big step. Make sure you keep reassuring her about Mummy and it's not DN's fault that mummy got ill.

Well done OP. If you need it most schools if they have their own wraparound care should be able to put her in breakfast or after school if you need and want it.
Lots of love to you both

@Lollypop27
I doubt she will have an abortion.
She is about three months pregnant so there isn't long to sort things out.
I am going to have a meeting with the social worker at the on Thursday so I will ask about the baby.
I think I will look after the baby if that is possible when it is born.

Get her duvet from home if you can.
Also change to same washing tablets that your sister uses so stuff smells the same.

@Camelsinthegobi
I'm work but I'm going to step back. I own a company so it should be ok.
The money isn't an issue but thank you for the suggestion.

Does your sisters partner have family members that can help out. You will make a great auntie, let the school know the situation, see what benefits you can apply for to help with the costs if possible, the partner should contribute financially and keep the house going while your sister is in hospital. Social services will need to set out a long term plan. Hope your sister is ok.

@theclockticksslowly
Yes that was me.
I guess she needs the room more now.

onemorecup 💐
@newmummy I would try & establish her usual routine as soon as you can, contact the school update them on recent developments, could you arrange some childcare if you have to reorganise your business/hours etc.
You can do this, it will be difficult especially if you are still caring for her when the baby arrives, but you are an experienced carer & obviously have lots of love for your niece, I wish you well.

@KateGrey
Yes that was me asking about the rooms.

I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing, truely wonderful. Your sister, BIL and niece are so lucky to have someone as lovely and supportive as you. I hope your sisters mental health improves Wishing you all the very best.

I'd also send her to school - keeps the routine and normality going, and will distract her from worrying to some extent. If it's too much for her, they can always call you to pick her up earlier than planned. Plus it gives you a bit of space / rest time.
Good on you for stepping in. That little girl will always remember your kindness.

Routine.
School is a safe space, she will know what to expect there and will be distracted, i’d Send her in.

Well done you!

Will SS help with counselling for your DN?
I agree get her stuff from home and spoil her a bit. But routine is key with kids.

This is so heartbreaking to read, your poor sister.

You are very lovely OP to step in and look after your niece like this & possibly the new baby too.

Is it postnatal psychosis that she has? A relative of mine had it after her baby was born and went to a special mother & baby unit, might be worth investigating now whether when the new baby is born this might be an option for her?

Just wanted to say you're an amazing person. Such a selfless thing to do. Your niece will appreciate this so so much when she's older, even if she plays up a bit now x

I really recommend you join therapeutic parenting on Facebook. It will help you to support your niece through the trauma.

My best advice would be to give loads of nurturing and to only get her to do short days at school if you can manage he childcare aspect.

As much as it might be nice for you neice’s dad to step in, you are the most consistent figure in her life right now.

Agree with the bit about routine. Feed her healthily, lots of exercise and early bedtime with loads of cuddles and stories will help.

As your dn is only 4, you have had her living with you for a year previously, and it's likely to be a few months at least this time, I suspect the social workers will be looking very closely at whether it is in dn's best interests to stay with you long term instead of returning to her parents. They will need to be completely sure that your dsis and bil have the capacity to care for her adequately, without the same thing happening again.

@newmummy0094 I know little about four year olds or what is best to do in a practical sense in these circumstances but wanted to send you for stepping in. Do ask for all of the support you need, from the niece's school, from social services, from MN, from your own supports (friends? partner? GP/midwife?) and keep reaching out for help if it gets overwhelming. I am sorry to hear about your sister, and that her husband won't step up. Some posters were saying that he needs to or should step up, but some people can't or won't, and I think if that is the case here, better to prioritise taking care of the children and babies and fight that battle later down the line.

More

No advice to offer, OP, but this is a fantastic thing that you are doing.

Speak to social services/school and get advice

Particularly about the baby because I think you should be discussing with your sister whether it is better for this baby to be put up for adoption and you focus on your baby and your niece

Can't they hire a nanny?

Of course they can, @Racecardriver. I'm sure the butler has sent the footman to get one as we speak.

Bit heartless isn't it Nota.The poor women is seriously ill

I don't think it's heartless to say that in a choice between prioritising an adult partner or a small child the child should take priority!

@brotherphil read the post. The husband works abroad, he probably has a proper job and could afford it. Nannies aren't just for rich people, many many working families have them, no harm in discussing options.

Another one sending you OP. I had pnd after my second, classified as mild as I was still getting out of bed but it had me on my knees, I felt utterly unable to care for my kids. Even the thought of making them breakfast felt impossible. I was nowhere near as bad as your sister, I hope she recovers eventually. In the meantime you are doing a wonderful thing and as a pp said, your niece will always remember your kindness.

Why would they remove a child who has a capable father?

I'd get her to school but consider half days, better than nothing.