HELP sister had a breakdown. Niece moving in with us. I'm six months pregnant.

[newmummy0094]

I didn't know what to put for the topics so sorry if it is wrong.
I really need some advice.
My sister suffers from very bad PND and has done since my niece was tiny. My niece is four now and has just started school but when she was two my sister had a breakdown and I had to look after my niece for about a year.
Last night this happened again.

My nieces dad is away on business but is obviously flying back now this has happened.

Last night my sisters neighbour rang the police because my sister was lying in the garden naked at three in the morning. My niece was alone in the house so the police got social services involved. Because something similar happened before they released her into our care. As in me and my partner. They did however make it clear that if we didn't look after her she would be taken into care as my sister is an unfit mother.
My nieces dad just can't cope when my sister gets bad. So he really isn't fit to look after my niece and my sister.

My sister found out she was pregnant again which we think is what caused this.
I could see this coming and but I didn't know what to do. I can't believe I didn't do something.

Obviously my niece wasn't in school today but I don't know if I should send her in tomorrow and keep her routine or keep her off as she is really tired with the stress.

I'm going to be looking after her for months at least I think so I just need some general advice about looking after four year olds.

I'm also six months pregnant and I'm really worrying about juggling everything.
The only family me and my sister have is my dad but he lives in America.
Just to make it clear I am happy to look after my niece as I'm all she has.

Aww poor girl. Based on your update I would keep her close to you. School is still new and unfamiliar you are her secure.

I would let the school know so she can be supported when she goes back.

I would attempt to get out tomorrow even to the park distraction is good.

It does sound like psychosis. Luckily there are some very effective treatments for this.
I would send DN to school as routine and friends etc is important for her. Especially as she's just settling in.

Ask the school if they have a counsellor attached to it, must have been traumatic for her to be plucked out of her home like that, even if it is the right thing to do.

Also speak to social services about any young carers service and a carers assessment for yourself.

At least your sister is in the right place for treatment at the moment but don't forget you need support also!

OP, what you're doing is fantastic. I'm so pleased your niece has you.
If school are good, they'll be an invaluable source of info about what works for your niece - they spend a lot of time with her, they'll know what makes her tick. Schools often go above and beyond supporting children in these circumstances too, be sure to ask how they can help you both.

Sorry if this is repeating as I've only skimmed the thread, but I'd recommend getting some initial legal advice about your situation - most family solicitors will offer a free half hour consultation. The reason I suggest this is that, whilst there are good and supportive people in the system, the legal framework assumes that biological family are both best placed AND responsible for their biological relative. What that means day to day is that if you don't ask you won't get - statutory services kick in if noone in the family can provide X Y or Z. Legal advice can help you by suggesting what is reasonable or commonplace in your situation and what it might be advisable to push for.

@Kahlua4me
She has been admitted but if she try's to leave then they will section her. I think she will be in hospital for a while.
If you have experience do you know what the options will be for when my sisters baby is born. Will I be aloud to look after it while my sister is getting better?
Do you know how long it usually takes to recover from a breakdown?

I won't let my niece go anywhere unless I think it is best for her.

I thought postpartum psychosis happened pretty quickly after the birth, and then resolves once treated ? I wonder if your sister is bipolar ? I have a family member with a very similar pattern of depression.
I hope your sister get some better quickly, but for your niece, I agree to keeping things as stable as possible. She must have had a rough and frightening time recently. Four year olds are easy to please, you can do nice things after school like painting, making simple fairy cakes or pancakes. I found that ok when I was pregnant and had a toddler. When I felt really done it I would just snuggle up on the sofa and read stories. CBeebies can be a godsend if you are done in as you get bigger. As she might be with you still when your baby is born you can prepare her for her new cousin using books and dolls, so she learns a bit about newborns and isn’t too thrown by the shift, although perhaps she will be home again by then .
So lovely that she has you, she is very little to be dealing with this. I really hope your sister responds well to treatment, good luck with everything op.

@ArrivisteRevolt
She is better off with me.
She does need a Dad but at the moment he isn't good for her.

She needs to stay with me.

*gets better quickly . Sorry iPad keypad is a bit glitchy .

No advice, I just want to say that you’re wonderful and a very special aunt. Good luck with everything.

Is your BIL offering you any support at all? Maybe you haven't had the chance to talk about it yet.

He doesn't sound like a great partner or dad- leaving his vulnerable wife alone while he works away, gets her pregnant again and then leaves his heavily pregnant SIL to pick up the pieces because he can't possibly cope.

Your DN is very very lucky to have you.

@kahlua4me it's impossible for anyone on here to say how long your sisters breakdown could last for, and at what point she might be in a position to care for a child again. Mental health services and children's services don't have a particularly great working link so if you can, keep in contact with MH services and see what info they can share with you /discuss at what point your sister is well enough to consent to information sharing, giving you're caring for her child.

In terms of the baby, Ss have to look at family as a first option (and will do because removing a child to an unrelated stranger is awful and is a worst case scenario). Given that you'll already be caring for a child and with one on the way it's worth having those conversations with Ss now because there may be things they'd need to put in place as support for that to be a viable plan. The last thing youd want is for baby to go to a stranger because they are concerned that you can't split yourself in three to meet each childs needs on your own.

I have no advice either but I too just wanted to say you sound amazing I hope your niece is doing ok, I'm so glad she has you, you should be proud of how you are handling this

Oops meant to tag @newmummy0094!

So sorry you are all going through this

Kids like routine and if she’s used to going to school and has friends there, I’d send her in. But be led by her, if she really doesn’t want to go then keep her close.

I adopted my youngest dd and she copes far better with routine, than not knowing what’s going on.

@dinosaurkisses
She only found out she was pregnant the other week and has refused to talk about it.

It's only six months away so I don't think she will be well enough to look after a baby by then.

If she isn't well enough then I will look after the baby.

Fair play to you, @newmummy0094. You're some woman for one woman!

I hope once she recovers your sister and bil appreciate all you've done for their family.

@Threadastaire
I will speak to a lawyer. I hadn't thought about that so thank you.

Has your sister suffered psychosis at any other times in her life? She will probably have an MH midwife. Do you have support from your parents?

@dinosaurkisses
I haven't spoken to him as he is still at the hospital with my sister.
I think he will still see her but I don't know how much.

@tempester28
Our mum died when she was seven so she had some mental health issues relating to that. But no psychosis.
My dad live in America so not really much support there.

@newmummy0094 there's an odd legal grey area about whether a child was ' placed' with a family member or whether it's a 'private family arrangement' that I'd advise you to enquire about and establish.

Placing a child with a family member is effectively a care/looked after child arrangement. It means there's a legal duty to support in various ways, though also means there's a legal duty to assess, monitor, meet the regulations that foster carers would meet etc.

Private family arrangement by a mother with an aunt (which wouldn't count as private fostering) means less monitoring, but equally less duty to support.

The difference between the two can be as subtle as whether your sister asked you (or had previously volunteered you when of sound mind) or whether a social worker asked you as an alternative to placing your niece in foster care.

Its details like that that a solicitor could help with. Its common for people to assume that Ss just don't want to help, but the legal framework actually only allows them to step in when necessary and that can mean that people don't get the right support because the courts assume that families are responsible and able to effectively ' look after their own'.

You are a fabulous aunt. I just want to wish you all the best.

If at any time this becomes a formal fostering arrangement you should get support from your local authority.

I am an adopter (and a birth mum) and we've had so much training and support over the years.

It will be very difficult for you emotionally to support your sister through
this. Make sure you look after yourself so you can continue to cope and be effective - it sounds like you have several people relying on you. I hope your sister receives good treatment and you get a good outcome. Good luck

What a wonderful person you are OP, hats off to you.

Yes to all the posters saying routine, dinner, bath, story, bed 7-8pm. Chill out mid morning, when she may have been used to naps, cuddle on the sofa with Peppa pig on the telly.

She may be able to better express complex feelings through drawing, so lots of paper and pens.

She will need to know that mummy and daddy are safe and may like a picture of them and at least regular phone calls from her dad.

He doesn't sound like a great partner or dad- leaving his vulnerable wife alone while he works away, gets her pregnant again and then leaves his heavily pregnant SIL to pick up the pieces because he can't possibly cope.

I completely agree.

It sounds like your DN is better off with you but her father should definitely be contributing financially.

You sound wonderful OP