HELP sister had a breakdown. Niece moving in with us. I'm six months pregnant.

[newmummy0094]

I didn't know what to put for the topics so sorry if it is wrong.
I really need some advice.
My sister suffers from very bad PND and has done since my niece was tiny. My niece is four now and has just started school but when she was two my sister had a breakdown and I had to look after my niece for about a year.
Last night this happened again.

My nieces dad is away on business but is obviously flying back now this has happened.

Last night my sisters neighbour rang the police because my sister was lying in the garden naked at three in the morning. My niece was alone in the house so the police got social services involved. Because something similar happened before they released her into our care. As in me and my partner. They did however make it clear that if we didn't look after her she would be taken into care as my sister is an unfit mother.
My nieces dad just can't cope when my sister gets bad. So he really isn't fit to look after my niece and my sister.

My sister found out she was pregnant again which we think is what caused this.
I could see this coming and but I didn't know what to do. I can't believe I didn't do something.

Obviously my niece wasn't in school today but I don't know if I should send her in tomorrow and keep her routine or keep her off as she is really tired with the stress.

I'm going to be looking after her for months at least I think so I just need some general advice about looking after four year olds.

I'm also six months pregnant and I'm really worrying about juggling everything.
The only family me and my sister have is my dad but he lives in America.
Just to make it clear I am happy to look after my niece as I'm all she has.

Not much advice I can give as some amazing posters have shared.

My husbands family member had two of her children taken away from her due to drugs and criminal activity. One got adopted the other stayed with a family member. That family member has done amazing as her children were late teens at the time but she stepped up.

You're an amazing aunt and sister and I hope your sister is grateful what you're doing for her and her daughter.

Her Dad sounds a bit of a waste of space to be honest (loves his partner more than his kid and can't cope at least having his daughter some of the time) and your sister sounds prone to episodes of fugue or psychosis. With this in mind you may be advised to apply to have your niece long term. The baby will likely be put up for adoption if they feel your sister can't cope - unless you take it in.

But if I'm reading ages correctly your baby will only be 3 months old when your niece or nephew is born. That's a very tight age gap, not even taking into account a 4 year old.

Have a honest conversation with your DH. Could you cope? What kind of contact would you agree to? Who will have Niece when you go into labour?

Bold NewMummy
I just wanted to say you are so lovely to take your niece, I would do it a heartbeat too. I would think going to school and setting a routine as others have said would be a good option, and allows some stability. A long term plan with SS should be discussed especially as this has happened when DN was 2. I really hope the meeting with SS helps on Thursday.

I might skip a day or two of school, but after that the routine will help.

Thank you for providing her a safe place.

Post in adoption op

Adopters will be better able to help

Another one saying send your niece into her school as normal. There will be hundreds of phone calls going on in your house during the next few days, she will pick up on the atmosphere. I would go so far as to turn your phone off while she is at home after school, you can turn it on again when she has gone to bed.

Tell the school what has happened , and also tell them whatever you have told your niece " mummy is feeling poorly, so the doctor says she has to have a rest" , so they can reassure her using the same words you are using, and also divert any comments from classmates who might have picked up local gossip,

You are lovely.

My 4 year old likes routine and really need to know what we are doing and when and who with. He's always asking about tomorrow and after tomorrow etc and when are we swimming and what are we eating.

Dont be afraid to wind down with a cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV. That's when I get the questions about what is bugging him.

Not sure, but things like child benefit... should that go to you? I'm sure others know better.

School wise:

• Is DN in reception? If so, is she all day? Our primary is still on a phased start for reception, so worth double checking drop off and pick up times.
• Make sure you're on the contact list at school, not just emergencies but that they've got your email for newsletters etc. The school might also use social media, so worth looking into that (ours uses Twitter if school trips are late back or bad weather/school closures).
• Check if her PE kit is at school, does she have a book bag at home that you need? Water bottle for school?
• School might well have access to a counsellor, so definitely worth talking to them.

In terms of routine, DS is 3.3 (so a fair bit younger), he goes to bed at 7pm. He's still prone to napping after nursery which throws out him going to sleep on time. In the circumstances it might be worth putting a waterproof mattress cover on, just in case you get an increase in bedtime accidents, especially if DN is very tired and sleeps deeply.

Good luck OP, you sound amazing.

Speak to social services/school and get advice

I agree, ask the people who know the situation and are trained to help. You are going to get differing advice on here. Personally I’d have thought it better to send her to school but who knows.

Good luck.

I just wanted to say that it's a really amazing thing that you're doing OP. You're a real blessing to your sister and her kids. X

You are doing a wonderful thing OP. Here's fingers crossed that your sister is helped with some effective treatment for her MH crisis. She may still be able to parent effectively in the future when she is better but I think you are right to be thinking long term as your niece needs stability right now.

If she's just started reception she'll be tired out from the new routine and the demands of building new relationships. Definitely worth letting school know what is going on so that they can help to support her. She may have behavioural regressions eg toilet training might be forgotten temporarily while she has so many other things competing for brain space. Lots of children go through hitty or bity stages which are normal and short lived.

I would say at home she needs calm, consistency, cuddles. Find time each day to have her sitting on your lap to read to her. Maybe find out which foods are familiar and buy those. My four year old can be wonderful but can also have enormous temper tantrums still with much wailing and gnashing of teeth - again, normal, if requiring some patience. I find giving my 4 yr old small responsibilities and things she can control (eg choosing own clothes, dressing self, helping set table and prepare food) are good for bolstering confidence. This might also be useful for preparing her for an effective big sister role when your own baby arrives.
Maybe worth looking to see what support organisations there are for children with an ill parent - they will have useful resources I expect?

'I think you should be discussing with your sister whether it is better for this baby to be put up for adoption and you focus on your baby and your niece.'

This. As much as you may want to or feel you should, I think taking on your sister's baby too may well be a step too far for you, your child and your niece.

What an amazing thing you are doing OP.

I would also advise school but definitely tell the teacher.

How is your niece doing as she has lived with you before I imagine you are very close ?

4 year olds -I have one.

Half days. To start with.

Lots of positive praise. All of them different. Mine loves books and cuddles. Counselling should be provided for all of you. Obviously home environment is not safe -so her life must be safe and secure all the time -all the time. That first and boundaries and love love love ..........

PM me if you like.

On a practical note, a white board showing the days of the week and where your niece will be (school/your house/after school club) can be very reassuring for small children. Even if they can't read, you can go through it with them each day and explain where they'll be, with whom and where they'll sleep.

My niece had this suggested by her play therapist to help deal with lots of changes in her life and it does help. Maybe let her help to choose some meals that she likes too, so she feels she has some control.

Another poster here who thinks you are amazing for what you are doing for both your niece and sister. I remember reading your previous posts about the bedroom at your house.

Is your sister in hospital now? If she has been sectioned, or simply admitted, they should be looking at managing her throughout pregnancy and afterwards, either in hospital of with specialist community nurses. Our area has mental health nurses who specialise in pre and postal natal psychosis and depression.

Many years ago, I was a nurse and I did spend time working in mother and baby units so do feel free to message me if I can help at all.

I think it is probably best for your niece to live with you for a while, whilst your sister is having treatment. If you know that her dad will not cope with her please do not let her go back to him. Perhaps he can just have her regularly to give you a break and time to rest. That way at least you know that she is in the best place and her life will not be any more affected than it currently is. The key thing for her will be stability and routine.

MyDcAreMarvel the father does not seem that capable. He prioritises his wife and on previous threads the OP has talked about the niece staying with her every week for a few days, to give her sister a break. The father works abroad a lot. If he priorities his child surely he would try and get a job so he can be around his DC.

Fair point, @Racecardriver, but I must admit that - at least at my income level - if my niece was going through what OP's is, my first reaction would not be to look for a stranger to take her off my hands. I might look for some professional help once things were settled down a bit, but to me, a child in need of my care is in need of my care, not an issue for staff to deal with. I am not saying that you would approach a situation like this in that manner, or with that viewpoint, but your rather glib seeming "Can't they hire a nanny?" came across to me like that.
My apologies if I've misjudged you.

Please do not enable your sister and her DH’s co-dependent relationship. Your niece will always adore you but she needs her father to be her father.

Return her to her dad and tell him to get his priorities straight. If you have the means, offer to pay for some family therapy for him and his daughter.

@brotherphil fair enough. I meant it more like why the hell haven't they hired a nanny before shit hit the fan but obviously it's possible that they couldn't afford one. If I didn't want to take care of my children and my wife couldn't because she had mental health problems the first thing I would do is go out and hire a nanny, it would mean the child was cared for and the wife would have more support to recover.

Hey OP, you're doing a wonderful thing for your niece. Whatever happens next for her, she's old enough to remember that although her mum might be too poorly to be there for her she has you.

School wise: I agree with most, keep her in school. The routine and distraction will be good for her. Plus it will limit the amount of 'handwringing' she'll witness around her adults, even though you are putting on your bravest of faces.

Her school will have a SENCO / Designated Teacher. They are responsible for her welfare now that she is a looked after child. Sometimes it the head sometimes not. But most importantly they'll make sure that she's ok in school, they'll keep a closer eye on her and involve the relevant agencies if needed. It's a good thing.

If her dad is away a lot, there's a very real chance that she's seen her mums mental health declining. She won't have the words to express that, I imagine that it would be a very scary and confusing thing to witness. Encourage chats about feeling, there's some really good emotion face cards you can get. Getting her to draw and tell you what she's doing will help her to channel her thoughts too.

How lovely that your niece has you looking out for her xx

@ArrivisteRevolt

I think it’s obvious that if she did that her niece would be taken into the care system. Give your head a wobble.

OP, good luck. It won’t be easy but I’d do exactly the same.

The school will be completely aware of what has happened - they will have been one of the first places SS will have advised which is standard protocol.

I would take DN to school and then speak with the safeguarding lead to ensure provision is being made to support her through this massive change (particularly as, given her age, she will only have started school the last week or so?)

You're doing a really good thing