...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

Norm for us with kids with SEN. Throughout primary school he got invited to 1 party.
I would urge you to keep this in mind for the future, I'll never forget the glow on his little face when he finally got an invite.

It's quite normal.

Invite everyone in reception, as they don't normally have a specific friends group.

In Y1, my DS invited a hand-full of friends who he normally played with at playtime. As a parent, I just said he could invite maybe up to 6 friends. He then chose them.

YABU. There is no obligation to invite anyone to a party. The birthday child should be able to choose who they want to celebrate with them. I wouldn't tell my child they could only invite 3 or 4 or all their sex. They can invite their friends, no matter how many that is. They would also be free to exclude anyone who was bullying them too.

Is it the norm to have the party your child wants with the amount of guests that suit your birthday budget? Yes it is

Oh gamerchick that is so sad.

My friend is a teacher. Her advice/rule on this is good, I think. You invite either:

A) the whole class
B) just all the girls or just all the boys; or
C) just a handful (i.e. 3 or 4 kids)

Anything else - especially at that age - can be really divisive.

Yep - ds is in yr2 and is autistic. He got included in whole class parties in YrR and then a couple in Yr1. I don’t think any more invites will be coming his way despite his insistence at having a party for his whole class again this year. Pffft.

Yes YABU!

This is normal - reception, everyone gets an invite. Relentless parties weekend after weekend, it's exhausting!

Year 1 onwards, Kids pick who they want and less people come as kids have more established friendship groups. Normal.

My DD is the same age. She’s been invited to some and not others. That’s fine because when her birthday comes around there’s not a chance in hell I’ll be putting on a party to cater for her whole class. She’ll be 6 not 16.

She’s not upset by it, she understands. So do I. She’s not even friends with anybody in her class and I’m not about to teach her she has to be. YABU.

I guess in part it will depend on parental funds /space at home if party is there etc - only 11 or so in my kids class throughout primary school so inviting all was not an issue

She’s not friends with everybody that should read.

To be honest a whole class party feels like a lot of work with my second child and I usually like to let them pick within reason what type of party they have. Price will be a factor for me as will how many the venue/activity allows. Parties to tend to get smaller as their friendships deepen. I found it sadder that my DD who had a few male friends was not invited to their parties because they were 'boy' parties - she actually really likes football etc.

You could be reading too much into it, it could be that people just want smaller, less chaotic parties with children they know well and there is no malice behind it. It is nice to include everyone but having invited the child my DD didn't want to invite on one occasion I soon realised why she didn't want to invite her!

It's ok not to like people and kids . Why would you invite a child your child doesn't get on with . You need to grow a thicker skin because not everyone will like your child .. oh and as an aside some parties have maximums of 15/18 so you c at invite the whole class .

I dont think that you have to invite all the boys or all the girls or the whole class as long as you don’t exclude only a few. So if there’s 10 girls inviting 6 or 7 would be ok in my book

Yes, some parents are cunty.

Luckily DS' class's parties have all be inclusive - soft play type places, the park, or the beach. Including older/younger siblings without batting an eyelid.

Niece's class (different school, fee-paying) is how you have described in your OP. Very separate parties from the off, boy/girl, with individual invites ostentatiously handed out to the chosen few, even gift lists from X shop. Their parties have also been fairly run of the mill (see above), nothing vair expensive.

But they exclude the children with SEN. Tremendously cunty.

The whole class parties can't continue indefinitely. From Y2 onwards they are definitely unusual.

It is the case that children will be friendlier with some children than others. It should be the children deciding in the guestlist and not the mums. If mums are excluding based on their own prejudices that's not right.

Totally normal imo. My daughter only has 13 in her class and still not everyone gets invited to each other’s parties. We invited everyone from her class and a few from the above class (girls she got close to)

I agree Natalia, That is also my view. I am quite shocked...

Have just read pps.

Ds and his niece are 7yo, they have been in education for 4 years, just started their 5th. Where we are, whole class parties are the norm until around 8 or 9.

None of the parties from ds' class have been exclusive, not one. Niece's school a whole different ballgame.

Never did whole class parties. My DS1 is Summer born and was bullied by a boy in his class in YR. By the time it got to his party there wasn’t a chance in hell I would have invited him!

Both DC (now Y5 & Y4) select who they want to invite - I’m not having kids to their party whom they don’t even like

Lots of people are talking about a whole class party....but the thread is about same sex parties. I never said that people should invite the whole class. If you want a mix of girls and boys, then you can do that without leaving out 2 or 3 people.

There is no obligation to invite anyone to a party. The birthday child should be able to choose who they want to celebrate with them.

The problem with this is that kids are often too young to understand the social niceties surrounding this. Or, indeed, the consequences. Kids aren't tactful about this sort of thing; as a result, a child who isn't asked doesn't feel just "not included" but "deliberately excluded". And they will probably feel upset about this and, because they are kids, pretty aggrieved towards your child.

Plus - even as adults, people don't usually operate on a "just who I want" basis; I can't decide, for example, to invite my BIL to a party and not my SIL - or at least, not without causing huge offence and family ructions. If I invited my friend Sue and not her husband, she would think it rather strange and wouldn't come (myriad threads along these lines on here). It'd be considered pretty rude to invite all my neighbours for a drink except one household. Etc etc. It's not a bad way to introduce children to these concepts and get them to have a basic grasp that social occasions can be tricky to manage.

I think it depends. If the reasons are money then while not great it's understandable. If it's because X had a party one year and invited Y and Y hasn't had a party themselves then Y isn't invited to X's next party because of that then I think that's beyond shit and more shocking (never heard of this in real life though)

Gamer, if I knew you lived near me your DS would be welcome to one of our parties anytime.

Two children with special needs. One autistic and one with ADHD. Autistic son hadn't had an invite since nursery. Adhd rarely. It sucks x