...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

I have to say that I have no idea whether there are any SEN kids in my dc’s classes. I know who their friends are but that’s about it.

So I would be the parent asking them to invite 5/6 if their friends without realising that the same kids are always being excluded.

Another with two kids with SEN, not bullies, not violent, who weren't invited because they didn't fit in, and that is the only reason.

Some parents are encouraging their kids to be cruel and dismissive to any one who doesn't fit the norm, and parties show that nicely.

Luckily, a couple of really lovely and very sympathetic Mum friends of mine made sure that my kids still went to parties (which they invariably enjoyed, and the other kids enjoyed having them at) so that they didn't grow up having never been to a party.

Really though, if you're not inviting kids with SEN to your childrens' parties AT ALL - you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

My dds know the score. If they have a hall
Party they can have everyone. I had 36 when dd2 was 4. If they want an activity it's 10 kids including the dds. It's about cash not anything else.

There no one the dds have wanted to exclude that I recall just priority friends

Mine are now y1 &y3. With DS1 we did whole class parties in yR and y1. Through y1 the invitations dwindled as it changed to mostly girls/ boys (after our party in the autumn term). Part of it is that they out grow softplay/ large venue type places and prefer more expensive activities of smaller capacity that cost around the same. DS1 (7) got bored of soft play as DS2 got invited to parties.

For y2, I asked who he wanted and got a list of 10/13 boys and a couple of girls so we invited all the boys plus the girls. DS2's class could be interesting at that stage as 10/30 are boys, so I'd see who he wants to invite and maybe tweak to make sure a couple of boys weren't left out and aim for about half with some mixing.

YABU for complaining about children being left out and then leaving out children from your own parties because they are the ‘wrong’ sex.

I loathe single sex parties. I agree completely with the pp who said it’s actually easier for a kid to understand that they haven’t been invited to a party because they are not close friends with the birthday child, than for them to understand that they haven’t been invited to a party because they are a girl/boy.

I’ll never forget ds’s crestfallen face on finding out he wasn’t invited to a friend’s party because it was a fairy party for girls only. “But I love fairies Mummy!”

The indoctrination about what boys and girls ‘should’ like starts very young, and single sex parties hammer the whole distasteful thing Home.

Really shenanagins you don’t know the SEN kids?
You never go to school assemblies or Christmas play or just chat with your kids about what’s going on at their school?
In my sons class was pretty obvious as they always needed the extra support teacher...it’s about taking an interest in the people around your dcs....

and just imagine how heartbreaking it is to see your child not be liked and related to by the neurotypical kids again and again, and always left out of the games and parties.

Surely you're one of the people saying . "it's my child's party, they can invite who they like" teaching your children that birthday parties are all about them and an excuse to be selfish, rather than an opportunity to share the good fortune they have and make other's happy!

and maybe even learn about people who are different to you .

This article says it better than I.

themighty.com/2018/08/please-talk-to-your-kids-about-disabilities/

How do people know if a kid has SEN when your child is only y1?
My ds is 5 and wouldn’t have a clue. I can barely get other kids names out of him, never mind any further details.

In Reception, when girls fell out, there were a lot of "well you won't be invited to my party comments" thrown about. When my DD told me about them, I dismissed them as being empty threats and silly throw-away comments children make. I didn't believe that would happen. Perhaps I was naïve in thinking parents would make sure that a few kids would not be left off invite lists.

Looks like they carried some weight after all!

Sad thing is, this carries on into adulthood. We all have stories of working situations where individuals have been left out of office drinks, not invited to go to lunch, etc. I know occasions when this happened because people disliked another's accent or looks! When I worked in HR, repeated exclusion from these kinds of events was listed as one of the indicators of bullying. Obviously, it's not viewed in that light when it happens in childhood, but perhaps that's where it begins.

Haven't RTFT, so will go back and do so.

My eldest is just turned 9 and has autism. We have held 6 consecutive annual all-class parties for him. ^, parties... at soft play, a farm, at home, trampolining, archery etc.

He's been invited to 2 parties.

Both when he was aged 4.

I well recall the last day of school in the summer and I picked him up at noon and everyone was buzzing around about so and so kid's party and one of the other mothers shushed their kid when he asked my DS what present we were bringing to the party. DS looked a bit non-plussed.

In the age of class facebook groups and whatsapp groups, we know very well we are being excluded.

My daughter's friend at school is autistic and has been invited to the majority of the kids parties from reception up, she has declined some that were not something she felt she could cope with. She is a lovely popular little girl and seeing how she has become more involved in the actual parties over the years has been fantastic. I wish this was the same for all sen children

YABU / We stopped whole class parties after reception because they are frankly hard work - we chose activity type parties with 10-12 guests much easier. I don't agree with single sex parties though - why can't boys/girls be friends? It's a good life lesson for kids to realise that sometimes there are parties that they are invited to and sometimes there are parties that they're not - that's life!!

girlflieshome, that rings a lot of bells.

Happened this weekend gone actually. The growing hurtful realisation as you slowly hear from more and more people that there was a party at the weekend. Children in the class chatting about it. Some of them displaying matching key rings on their bags from the party. The photos appearing on Facebook.

the not knowing whether to ask your child about it or not. Not wanting to leave them alone with the sadness of being excluded. but also not wanting to bring it more to their attention if they've managed not to notice or are trying not to care.

holiday I go to Christmas nativity where there is more than 150 kids on the stage so it’s not that obvious. Plus my kids never know what they have done that day at school, if I’m lucky I get what they had for lunch.

So yes I do ask them about their day but information isn’t really forthcoming.

I’m only giving my reason as to why I would genuinely no know and would hate to unwittingly do so as I can’t imagine the unintentional hurt caused.

I dont know i cant get worked up about people inviting 20 out of 25. It's one party.
But feel very sad for kids who never/rarely get invited. That's much worse. And the who only invite a few if you dont want all etc doesnt help them.
Dd has very few invites. It was sad in yr r as she was being excluded possibly due to behaviour. She was just very immature/tired etc. But those seeds have been sown and will probably continue to grow throughout primary. Quite shit really for a kid under 5yo.

Also i can see where it reaches the point that parents drop and run that who wants to be responsible for the uncontrollable ones? (we will probably get even fewer invites then).

Also their behaviour when the sept born have theirs and your dc is only just turned a year younger must seem very bad.
I think it's likely that winter born kids get more invites possibly for years.
As some have whole class parties in say sept and then people feel obliged to invite back rather than invite some other dc who you dont know will invite your to their August party. Also this way winter kids get seen at more parties and known how they behave so invited to more.

i invite maybe 15 of 60. It's impossible to know if some kids arent getting any invites. As well because some seem to group friends around a certain point in the year.

Im sure anyone who doesnt reply to invites or doesnt turn up when they accepted will eventually end up with their kids not getting invited and that is also sad for those poor kids too.

DS has SEN and was invited to very few parties in First School. At one he was invited to the the entertainer made fun of him for stimming by imitating him in an over the top, mocking way to try get a laugh out of the audience. DS was excited because he thought he was about to get chosen to help with the next trick as the entertainer had made him stand up and was talking directly to him. Once he's had his fun and had his cheap laugh at the expense of a disabled child he told DS "sit down, Fidget Freddie's don't get to help" We had a whole class party for him last year, hired the local hall and booked entertainment, food, etc. Out of a class of thirty only five bothered to show up, thankfully his cousins and my friend's children made up some of the numbers but five, and these are kids he's been in a class with since the age of three when they were all in the school nursery together.

DD on the other hand - NT, bright, popular - gets invited to almost every party, gets asked on playdates, gets invited around for tea, gets asked if she'd like to go on days out, and so on. I'm glad she's happy but it doesn't half highlight much DS gets excluded by his peers.

I don't think it's normal anymore to invite everyone. It's difficult when it's your child but it's not the end of the world

Oh god this thread has started to worry me now. DD has just started reception (at the school where she went to nursery) and it’s her birthday soon. I was Only going to invite the kids who I know she is friends with. Now I’m feeling like i should be inviting all the kids. Even the ones that she doesn’t know.

Inviting the whole class is painful for lots of parents and some children, especially if you are not used to managing large groups. Plus there's the expense.

I think that often it does come down to people not feeling confident in managing behaviour.

Hey, relax - it's year 1! They are turning 6 not 13.

My daughter has just been left off the guest list of a party because the mum does not like me - even though our children play in a small group together.

I place no value on friendship linked to party invites. I explain to DD that not everyone can go to every party and no big deal.

Her latest comment was, "I did not get invited to A's party but I don't mind cause she's actually quite bossy"

It's up to us as parents to not make a big deal of it - they learn from us.

I can't remember all the kids parties I attended before the age of 10.

You don't have to invite all of them though, just don't invite most and leave a few out.

@EwItsAHooman

I don’t get this at all. We also live in a fairly affluent area (and are definitely the least affluent!) and have invited the whole class still in year 3.

You don't have to invite all of them though, just don't invite most and leave a few out.

Very succinct summary - well put.