...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

It is true that by doing that, some children will never be invited (dc2 wasn’t). But it’s not because those children in particular have been excluded iyswim

I absolutely see what you mean - they've just not been included. Which is wholly different. The problem is that it doesn't feel that way to a small child. And small kids are not known for their tact and sensitivity. If we have a mutual friend and the two of us decide, for whatever reason, to do something together and not ask you along, we wouldn't spend the week before and the week after discussing it in your earshot. Kids often speak before they think and this sort of thing can be very upsetting.

This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend,

No. You said they're picking a handful to attend. Which is it? 25 invited and 5 not. Or 5 invited and 25 not

**Parties are not just for enjoyment

Wow.

The ones who are left out - any of them bullies? Play with boys so not invited to girl's parties and not a boy so not invited to boy parties? Maybe the left out kids have friends with families who don't do parties?

Just because someone can afford an expensive and large party it doesn't mean that they have to have one every year.

Of course not. Some kids don't want a party or want a small party.

Year 1 onwards, Kids pick who they want and less people come as kids have more established friendship groups. Normal.

This

Just because someone can afford an expensive and large party it doesn't mean that they have to have one every year.

No, they don't. But inviting three or four friends for a film and a sleepover is a different kettle of fish to inviting 10 boys out of 15 to a party and leaving out a small minority.

I've 2 with autism...the eldest never got invited to a party ,despite him having one every birthday and every Halloween...the younger one had a full class party every year for 4 years ,he's had aprox 4 invites back ,over the 4 years...both of mine found it hard making friends ,but were not naughty children,just quiet ones...

It is fine, they will have friendship groups that they gravitate towards. What is not ok is to exclude one or two kids from a whole class party, unless that kid is particularly nasty. Having two kids with sn, ds was invited to loads of reception parties, but a few in Yr1. Those with SN tend to fall under the other kids radar. Their SN may make it hard for them to fit in with the others, so other kids don't want to play with them or be their friend, hence not getting invited to parties

The SEN issue is why I intend to make sure we always take my DD for an awesome holiday over her birthday, I never want her to feel more excluded than she already is.

Do you have a gripe with the dad's about this too or is it just the mums who make these decisions?

If a child has been bullying my DD all year I'm not going to invite the child to come ruin her party. not sorry.

Also you've contradicted yourself, if you've invited just girls surely the boys are left out?

Also you've contradicted yourself, if you've invited just girls surely the boys are left out?

They won't feel "left out" because it is easy for them to rationalise. Little Jimmy won't think "Lucy didn't ask me because she doesn't like me", he'll think "Lucy is having a girls' party". In the samevein, if my DH is invited to dinner with his friends and their wives and I'm not invited, it's a deliberate snub. If he's invited out for a drink just with his friends, then it's a chaps' night out.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The older kids get the more they break off into their own friendship groups and just because people have big houses doesnt mean should be obliged to throw a party for the whole class. Also not all children will like each other. I think it's sad though if you get parents who choose not to invite a child purely because they are different e.g. have autism etc. My child is at risk of having learning difficulties and it breaks my heart to think she could be excluded because of it,although i can understand why if children have really severe behavioural problems some parents might find it too much to handle and that it migt overshadows their childs party.

Natalia everything you have said is spot on

Just do what I do and don't have birthday parties. I'd much rather spend the money on a nice day trip out with my family to celebrate.

Not everyone has the funds, time or patience to have a party for 30+ children. My kids also have cousins who would have to come as well as friends from outside school. So we're talking about 50+ children. It would be like organising a bloody wedding.

YABU OP.
I never did whole class party's. If a child is friends with 8 out of 30 children then invite that many. Why invite children your child isn't friendly with/doesn't play with.

We did whole class parties in nursery, reception and year 1, however his class is 19. This year he’s either having all the boys (7 including him) or just pick a few friends depending on what we do.
It’s normal for the parties to get smaller as they get older.

It’s such a shame that something which is supposed to be fun can cause so much upset . I’m dreading my DC being old enough to have to worry about this sort of thing. And the posts by some of the parents of children with SN who’ve been excluded are just heartbreaking

LadyMary . It's a rare day if so, but thank you!

DS1 and DS2 are autistic. DS1 invited some friends for pizza and movie at ours for his 16th birthday. Well, so called friends because having accepted the invite not one of them turned up. People are unbelievably twatty with kids with SEN.

Quite normal. They all turn up to our parties and the mums chat and the kids play - but then no invites back. Sometimes I and my kids know there is a party but there's rarely been an invite back.

They play just fine in school so I don't know why. I think it's because I work so don't chat with the mums usually and don't do play dates. I have stopped bothering and still invite whoever my kids want at their parties. After 10 years I have a thick skin and don't care anymore.

And yes, my eldest has SEN. But not the other one.

This
*The problem with this is that kids are often too young to understand the social niceties surrounding this. Or, indeed, the consequences. Kids aren't tactful about this sort of thing; as a result, a child who isn't asked doesn't feel just "not included" but "deliberately excluded". And they will probably feel upset about this and, because they are kids, pretty aggrieved towards your child.

Plus - even as adults, people don't usually operate on a "just who I want" basis; I can't decide, for example, to invite my BIL to a party and not my SIL - or at least, not without causing huge offence and family ructions. If I invited my friend Sue and not her husband, she would think it rather strange and wouldn't come (myriad threads along these lines on here). It'd be considered pretty rude to invite all my neighbours for a drink except one household. Etc etc. It's not a bad way to introduce children to these concepts and get them to have a basic grasp that social occasions can be tricky to manage.*

And this

*It is true that by doing that, some children will never be invited (dc2 wasn’t). But it’s not because those children in particular have been excluded iyswim

I absolutely see what you mean - they've just not been included. Which is wholly different. The problem is that it doesn't feel that way to a small child. And small kids are not known for their tact and sensitivity. If we have a mutual friend and the two of us decide, for whatever reason, to do something together and not ask you along, we wouldn't spend the week before and the week after discussing it in your earshot. Kids often speak before they think and this sort of thing can be very upsetting.*

I think we spend so much time saying “I want my child to feel autonomous, I don’t want them to do anything that could make them upset or put them out to other people.” Which is obviously totally fine
But at the same time if these attitudes continue into adulthood like inviting all of your office for a meal except Suzy who does accounts but all we spoke about in front of her and was how lush the meal is going to be or was, or in the situations outlined by natalia if we acted in the same way we encourage our children to we would be labelled as CF’s by the all powerful mumsnet jury.
Children are always learning, and of course they are the most important people to us and themselves but at some point we’ve got to teach them about kindness, empathy and thinking of others and whilst this doesn’t have to start at four, and nor does it have to shape every interaction they engage in, it certainly should be food for thought.

This is something I worry about with DS1, he’s in Yr 2 and has ASD.
I can see that he’s not fitting in as well as his other classmates because of his ASD, and that’s before we get to the sometimes disruptive behaviour that’s a result of him struggling to cope with things like sensory issues.

So far parties have mostly been whole class, or boy / girl parties, so he’s been included so far. Small classes at his school, which probably means whole class parties have continued for longer than they might otherwise.

But once parties start being smaller I think it’ll be a different story. Because although at present none of his classmates are deliberately excluding him from things, he’s not formed close friendships with any of them.