...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

Mine go to a very large primary now, think 60 kids per year, 30 in each class and they mix them up for different classes - it works really well & is a good school. This actually makes it easier, as a lot of activities are 8-12 children max. It was much harder at their old school, 15 children in a class, there is no way I could have left out 3 / so chose to do class parties. Unfortunately about half the class parents did do that, and the kids they repeatedly left out were lovely, no reason bar the numbers & previously formed parental cliques. The parents that did went down in my estimation.

The projection on these types threads that excluded small numbers - must mean that they are bullies is not correct & not helpful. It's not a catch all excuse, just because that's the case at your school - doesn't make it the same elsewhere.

My ds has only ever invited a few friends to his parties.
I guess if it was a tiny class I would maybe make him have everyone but so far we’ve done less than half the class.
I do feel for kids who are never part of another child’s choice of friends but I’m not about to force my kid to have a whole class party when that’s not how he wants to spend his birthday (he’s a bit quiet and prefers smaller group activities).

I second everything penisbeaker said. Spot on

Is it really the case that children with working mothers suffer in terms of friendships/parties?

Inviting a group of friends (say less than 10) is perfectly fine. Whole class parties would get a bit much quite quickly.

Inviting the whole class except 2 or 3 is mean in my opinion (Unless one of them is a bully who's bullied the birthday child)

My kids invite who they want to their parties, they would rather not have a party that have to spend any more time with certain kids or have them in our house.
They also are taught to deal with it if they arent invited somewhere, I just say that kid probably doesnt like you as much or want you at their party as much as the kids they did invite, perhaps you did something wrong or perhaps they're just mean in which case you dont want to go to their party or be their friend anyway.
Why would you put the feelings of children who have been nasty to your child above your own childs feelings?

I would never do that. Parties aren't just for enjoyment. They also teach children good etiquette, a part of that is ensuring that people don't feel excluded

Would you exclude the girl who sends nasty messages? Holds your DD down by the gate while her friend stuffs grass in her mouth?

Would you invite the boy who cut your DDs hair off?

Would you invite the girls who make your daughter cry every day?

Would you invite the boy who throws tables and gets angry and hurts others?

I doubt you are truly a saint

DS1 invited some friends for pizza and movie at ours for his 16th birthday. Well, so called friends because having accepted the invite not one of them turned up. People are unbelievably twatty with kids with SEN

SEN or not, that is awful. dr coconut I am so sorry to hear this. People can be really crap sometimes. No excuse for that, at all. I HATE it when people think "oh, I don't like to plan ahead, I like to be spontanaeous, they won't mind if one person pulls out on the day".

maybe it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ie. Child A invites best friends B,C and D, plus E! f and G. Then B invites A and C and also B and C because they are all friends. It’s then F’s birthday, who’s best friends are D and G, but invites A, B and C to reciprocate the earlier invites (hope,you are all keeping up).

X and Y are the class bullies so don't Get invited to any party.

If parents have a limit on party numbers, you can see how this happens.

I'm a saint - oooo new name changing coming I think and the projection of it must be a bullying thing is rampant again.....

Urgh, no, sometimes it's just entitled parents bringing up the entitled darlings who will become our entertaining CF of the future. Oooo actually carry on, we need the CFs of the future to keep us entertained 😇😇

I have two kids, one currently being assessed for SEN. The issue I have found with SEN kids is that they can play differently and interact differently, hence making friends is trickier. So when it comes to invites they can fall by the wayside unless it's whole class. It's sad, but I don't have the answers to that.

For the neurotypical child, not being invited to a party is something they will experience, and feeling disappointment at not being invited is OK, it's a developmental step and will (hopefully) help build resilience as they realise they can't be included all of the time as they grow older.

(Just to add if they are being deliberately excluded - say one of the 5 kids out of a class of 30 being excluded - then that's different. However if you're a parent who always has teacher having a word with you at the end of the day over your child's behaviour, that may indicate why!).

YANBU I think it's fine to have a very small party- e.g. a day out with a few friends but if you're going to do the majority of a group (e.g. 12 out of 15 girls) then you do all of the group. Same with adults. If I was going to arrange a work night out I would either just do one or two friends or everyone never 70% of the office leaving 30% out.

What about friends outside of school? Do they not get invited to parties or do you have to factor those into the whole class parties too? So maybe 35-40 kids if everyone turns up?!

sounds fucking awful

Obviously there's an exception of there have been genuine bullying instances but that's very rare at the beginning of Y1.

In all truthfulness, of course you are unlikely to invite a proper bully. But then saying that I did. And actually it all worked out very well, & the bullying stopped, and all the kids grew to be good friends.

Why invite children your child isn't friendly with/doesn't play with
Exactly.

Is it really the case that children with working mothers suffer in terms of friendships/parties?
Definitely in our school!

And am i the only one that finds the idea of all boys / girls party strange?

Another Mum of an SEN child with no behavioural problems at all who I think attended one party after reception.

Tbh it's the norm after reception or year one where they do pick a few friends and have smaller parties. There has been occasions where she has been the only one in the class not invited though and that's sad.

YABU I'm afraid. By Year 1 many children will have formed friendship groups, and may have also identified children which they don't get on so well with.

In addition, some children don't like big noisy parties, and prefer something quieter with a small number of close friends e.g. a pottery painting party might work well with 5-6 children but probably not with 30 children.

It is rather hard on children who are less popular, however.

Fast forward 20 years...... Precious & Lavina are organising the work Christmas do... they don't talk to Moonbeam in IT, so invite the whole office bar Moonbeam, only fair, I mean what would they have to talk to her about.

I live in Germany and they have a quite good rule for parties
4 yrs old -4 friends
5yrs old - 5 friends
6 yrs old-6 friends and so on.It works well and I stopped parties at 10 yrs and did invites of good friends to cinema , carting plus pizza for a few friends after that.
and for those of you who have ADHD kids.My son was invited to very few parties when small because of his liveliness.He is so popular and the event organiser of his massive group of friends at 18 yrs . He is all go ,go, go and they love him for it.He does not even remember those days of being left out.I do so feel for all of you going through it.every cloud has a silver lining.

I hear you gamerchick my sen child rarely gets a invite to anything also

I've set the rule my DC can invite the number of children of their age. I don't see the point of an overwhelmingly large party where I know DD will be too shy to play with anyone apart from her Bf so she's having 5 friends next month round to our house for traditional party games and a bit of craft. She'll actually chat to them all then and have a better time, and less expensive for me too.

WE NEED TO STEP AWAY FROM THE IDEA THAT ALL THE CHILDREN WHO AREN’T BEING INCLUDED ARE BEING TREATED THIS WAY BECAUSE THEY ARE NASTY/NAUGHTY/HORRIBLE/AGGRESSIVE

@greentulips what about little jack who isn’t cutting anyone’s hair off or anything of the like but doesn’t get invited because he’s quiet and no one has met mummy because she’s a teacher at the big school and daddy is a paramedic so he is always in wraparound care so they can make ends meet.
What about Norman who doesn’t understand social situations because he has ASD but is bloody desperate to make friends.
What about Jessie who lives with her granny after her mummy and daddy died in a car crash and isn’t allowed other children to play at her house because she lives in an over sixties complex so no one returns the favour
Or Abbie who no one would play with because she smelled funny due to reoccurring yeast infections
Or Brandon, because his mummy can’t afford a good present because she’s off work due to cancer treatment

these are all real children whose names I have changed who were gorgeous but regularly excluded during my teaching career

No one is saying invite the bully, hopefully there will be measures in place to sort the bully out quickly but seriously how many violent KS1 bullies are there? I’ve never met one

@iamasaint
moonbeam logs onto mumsnet to ask if she’s being U in feeling left out, Lavinia and Precious are labelled first degree CF’s

for all who have had sad experiences it is really soul destroying.x